Friday, July 6, 2012

defending us

I am mostly a facebook voyeur - i rarely post and have relatively few friends - but i do enjoy being able to see or at least read about what some of my far-flung family and friends are up to.  Like life though  - the small sample of the world that are my facebook friends are all over the map (globe actually) in all kinds of areas: geograpically yes, but also politically, socially, in age and interests, and especially religiously.


A recent post on facebook was about how 50 Shades should be denounced from the pulpits: it is the new, biggest, stealth threat to marriage, family values, and the fabric of society all around.  The writer of course cited chapter and verse as to how the ideas of dominance and submission (to say nothing of any of the kinky stuff) was counter to how the Bible tells us to live, and more specifically to be married.  I ignored the obvious irony of the many chapters and verses often cited to tell us we are supposed to live in (male) dominance and (female) submission, and moved on.
  
But some of the post fed into a running commentary I sometimes have in my head.   Something will trigger it, maybe a friend who says something, or this facebook thing, or like a certain blog troll who has recently gone away... How would i explain how we live, or more importantly why, if i had to defend it?  


On one hand - we really don't actually have to defend ourselves to anyone - real or imagined. But on the other hand, i do believe that people should do what they do intentionally: they should be able to explain why they have chosen what they have. That isn't at all the same as justifying, or convincing the other person, or even trying to, but one should be able to say why a choice was made.


On one level, it would be easy to defend the HoH, his being in charge, general everyday submission thing to strangers - lots of people live that way and think it's perfectly normal or even how it is supposed to be.  We wouldn't seem so unusual, could just pass it off.  Except to anyone who knows me....


So for the mental and emotional aspects of D/s 24/7 - i do know what it comes down to for me.  We can relate to each other well on a level playing field, but shifting the power dynamic taps into something for us that allows it to be much deeper and much more connected.  Lots of analogies come to mind: water won't flow on level ground - but on a slant you get a beautiful river; skimming along on the surface is fine, but to dive, or to fly for that matter, requires the object to tilt, the leading part must not be level with the trailing part to reach depths or heights.  Of course analogies don't really explain, they just help the other person visualize.  


The shift in the power dynamic allows me to be open to him being the way he really wants to be for me.  And it allows him to be free to be with me that way that i never knew i really wanted, but do.  (that's not clear - really?!?)


He wants, i think, to take care of me, to raise me up, to guide me, to protect me, to push me, to really know me, and to know he has all of me.  That's not a role for someone in a level, peer-to-peer relationship.  It requires the other to listen, to follow, to be guided, to try, and to be open. For some reason (which i can not in fact explain) a deep part of me wants to do those things - for him.  It meets a need or a desire for me to work to give him that, to please him. 


Actually - that's too simple.  It's not just that it feels good to please him that works for me - it taps into something for me to have these things demanded of me. It meets a direct need of mine.  I want to be pushed and challenged and held to accounts and owned.  That's the particular admission that is very uncomfortable for me - why should i want this, is sounds so passive and incompetent and lazy?  And i have no answer except that the end result is just so much better when we go this way.  


I think that it works twofold for him as well - although he doesn't discuss his side of things much at all, so maybe this is wishful thinking or justifying on my part.  I want to believe that he derives some joy in pleasing me, that he likes providing what i really want (to be pushed, dominated, etc) as counter intuitive as my desires may be.   And i want to believe that it taps into something deeper for him to guide and push and dominate and possess, that it is a desire or maybe need for him to do and be those things.


All of the ways we interact that are different now, the rituals we have, the ways we play, the ways we speak at times - all are just ways of expressing, showing each other, and reinforcing the basic dynamic.  













22 comments:

  1. I always thought, if faced with a friend asking, why would I let him do that, I would say, let him? I beg him to do it.

    Because yes, I want to feel that way and I am not exactly sure why. This is an excellent post. (I gather you did not answer it on Facebook though. :))

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    1. Thank you. And no - I absolutely left it alone on facebook. But now you have me wondering how my friends would react at the image of me begging - hmm.

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  2. "it sounds so passive and incompetent and lazy?"

    As you well know, submission, (and dominance, for that matter) is anything but passive, incompetent or lazy. Going with the flow, following the herd, doing what everyone else does is passive and lazy. We strive to know ourselves and be open to who we are, and then to share that in a meaningful and self and other affirming way with our partners. I don't think you can defend or explain to anyone who is unfamiliar to their own deep needs.

    And for what it's worth, Shades of Grey, while entertaining though poorly penned, also missed the mark when it comes to the deeper aspects of 24/7 D/s. The writer read to me like a voyeur.

    Sara

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    1. You are absolutely right of course - i am still occasionally bothered by the idea of not doing absolutely everything for myself - it's a thing with me in all areas actually. But you are correct - i know what i've done - and him as well - but i really don't think i could explain it at all to someone who wasn't familiar.

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  3. I really like the line about doing things intentionally. I believe in being intentional in my choices, but, I don't feel the need to explain it to anyone. People have questioned me for years about how Musicman and I interact, it is often perceived as me "waiting on him hand and foot." Or as him, "telling me what to do," which always brings up the question, why do I allow that? I do not offer any more of an explanation then we love each other and it works for us.

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    1. that's an excellent explanation - better than any other i think. thanks.

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  4. I learnt and have come to the conclusion years ago that trying to explain to a vanilla person and for them to understand is simply not worth my time and effort, i dont expect them to as well to be honest because there are some kinks out there i dont understand...adult baby comes to mind.

    However i dont think this gives them the right to sit in judgement so i do understand how reading such ill informed trash ie the comments on facebook can get one so wound up but i still try not to bite because you cant educate the ignorant.

    I have a couple close friends that know somewhat of how i live, do they fully understand? no but thats fine with me and they dont judge me for my choices.

    tori

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    1. i have not tried to explain to anyone really - and i can't imagine the circumstances in which i would need to. I agree about people not having the right to judge - except... I grew up in a household in which my dad abused my mom - and no one - not family or close friends - no one ever asked or got involved at all - so i guess i think there are times it is right to question people - it's a tough line to see.

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  5. I do not plan on reading 50 shades of gray, because I just don't think I would enjoy it. I have read a mystery or two with some bondage kind of stuff. It made me uncomfortable mainly because I am claustrophobic. As far as reading something that is right or wrong. I believe IF it causes temptation in you that would cause you to sin, then you shouldn't read it. Temptation isn't a sin. Jesus was tempted. The actions you take following that temptation can be a sin. We all sin. We all have to learn what temptations we should avoid to keep from sinning. It is not the same in all people. I believe most people could probably read it like they would a murder mystery book, and not be tempted to go out and murder someone. A big deal were the Harry Potter books. So many people worried that people would delve into witchcraft and the like. It is FICTION to be read for enjoyment, and it is written by a Christian author. There is probably a percentage of people that would fantasize about it, get tempted, and then go deeper than they should (like there are probably a small percentage of people who read murder mysteries and get ideas how to kill someone). Please don't quote me as saying that people that participate in bondage are sinning. I don't know to what extent the book goes. I believe cheating on your spouse is a sin, etc. I can read a book about an affair, and not go cheat on my husband. Some people are already tempted to cheat on their spouse, so they probably should stay away from books about affairs. I think I rambled on and on and on just to make my little point. God Bless You an Yours, Belle L.

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    1. Welcome Belle, i agree completely - from a young age people are able to separate the story from reality. And yes - if a person is tempted a certain direction - they are likely going to find trouble without any added help - and they need to know what they need to avoid. I don't believe that any of what my husband and i do in this area is wrong - in fact i believe it has strengthened our love. Thank you for your comment.

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  6. the explanation is simple... because I can.

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    1. Yes - i think i've heard that explanation before. I'll have to ask him if it is the same for him - he tends to go for the KISS principle so my guess is he will be happy to use this answer. Thanks

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  7. Its really nice to have discovered your blog :o)
    I like your viewpoint about not needing to defend your way of life to anyone but yes, people should be able to explain why they have chosen what they have. Great post and I look forward to reading more :D

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    1. BleuAme - welcome - and thank you. It's funny because in our marriage prior to this - we had never consciously decided to be or interact one way or another - i suppose that is the case for most people. Merci.

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  8. It's interesting how clear the rightness of a concept can be before you try explaining it to someone else...

    I love the new look!

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    1. thanks - i suppose if i can't re-decorate the house - i can change my background sometimes. It is really hard to get into words - i always end up at "it just works so much better for both of us" Which is maybe the best reason in the end.

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  9. Thanks for writing this. I have never really thought of having to explain ttwd to someone in the vanilla world. Now I'm gonna have to think about this, LOL.

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    1. thanks - i'm not sure why i borrow trouble - i don't imagine i will ever need to explain myself. hopefully you will have a nice, clear, simple answer.

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  10. It works. It works and it brings you closer and it feels incredible, "what's gonna be wrong with that?" - Once More With Feeling

    People on facebook make me crazy too.

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    1. that does seem to be what i come back around to every time - and was mu husbands only response to this. Thanks.

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  11. Hi, Greengirl,

    I just dinged you for the One Lovely Blog Award ~ if you've already played, or if you don't want to, feel free to ignore this...

    aisha

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    1. Thank you - what a nice thing and a compliment.

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