Tuesday, June 8, 2010

he can't tell me how to feel

I guess he can tell me how to feel - but it doesn't really work well quite that directly.

There is a lot he can do to affect my mood, to cause good or bad feelings. He can tell me to do or not do things. He can set the environment, he can manipulate circumstances to influence how I feel about a topic or event. He can make decisions he knows will please me, or upset me, or not phase me either way. He can ask things of me that challenge me and make me feel good if I succeed or feel bad if I fail. His mood, actions or inaction, and words all greatly impact my mood at a given moment or my general impressions and feelings towards things. He has known and done and taken advantage of all of these for a long time; that's human and that's the nature of intimate relationships.

There is real life though. And he can't take away stress or anxiety or fear or nervousness or anger. I can do what he asks - abide by his decisions - good, bad or indifferent - but I do still experience feelings and moods and mental turmoil. Most often my feelings are good ones - no conflict, no problem - but what about when I am angry, distressed, stressed, frustrated, or hurt- in general, or because of his actions in particular?

At work, with strangers or acquaintances or even perhaps with friends - I can put on a face and hide how I feel about something in particular - or my mood in general. But should I do this with him - what is the line between disrespectful and honest? Obviously - I don't think that my never expressing my feelings to him is a great idea. On the other hand, walking around in a pout or angry funk all the time is no answer either.

I wonder this because I need to find the right balance - it is important. I am just learning to really trust him with all my feeling, thoughts, emotions, but I get stuck on feeling like I need to protect him from the burden of me.


  1. I really struggle with this too. It feels very unsubmissive for me to tell my Husband he has made me angry or upset me about something. But if I don't I just end up sulky, so he knows something is wrong, just not what. He tells me over and over again I have to tell him how I'm feeling even when I don't want to.

    One thing I have found that helps is getting my feelings down to just a few sentences. That makes "the burden of me" a little less overwhelming, I hope anyway.

  2. If I may, a practical solution to your issue. Get a journal and at least once a day write in the journal about your feelings, thoughts, what's good and working and what isn't. Not bitching but honest feedback.

    Keep the journal somewhere safe but know to both of you. At his leisure daily, weekly or whatever your Dom can read it and better know you. Then in his own way and on his own schedule he can respond or adapt or not, to what ever your issues are. You must trust this will happen.

    I highly recommend this be a paper journal and pen exercise not a computer an keyboard. Some how the act of writing has a way of focusing and clarifying our thoughts and feelings in a way the computer cannot.

    If your response to me is you have terrible handwriting then I would suggest MY response to that, as a DOM, would be... then penmanship will become a relationship focus...

  3. Since we are in the same boat, I hope you won't think that I know all about it, and that it happens from me with any regularity. Wait, you know this, you read my blog! But what I tell myself to do is to definitely tell him how I feel, and use "I" statements and an even, calm tone. "I felt like you weren't listening to me explain why I walked away from you after you told me to do blank." (I'm practicing here.) Of course tone is important too, but that gets me, because when I'm truly angry, there's not hiding it, at least at that moment. There are times though when I can cool off before I say anything to him. I'm working on all of this too,and hoping that I get better with practice. You're right though, holding it in is never good, for either of you.

  4. I second Sir J... journaling will help a great deal. I have the online journal for general things, but I also have a notebook I use for when I'm feeling really emotional. It really does help me sort through my feelings. And don't really think about what you're writing... don't try to make sense of it. Just write and as you write it will come together and what's really bothering you will just come out.

    Then you can show it to your hubby or speak to him about it, and you can both work it out together. Much better than walking around in a funk... which I won't lie, I still do it... but when I do the first thing Asha tells me is "go get your journal".



  5. Serenity,
    I have in the past been a terrific sulker. I think that is somewhat better now. I am better at telling him what's wrong, just maybe a softened version, which helps but doesn't always get the whole picture. I am also notorious for not beoing able to say anything concisely, so your idea would likely be a good exercise for me.

    Sir J,
    I'm thinking about that idea, working out the logistics, etc... Actually, I'm finished thinking, and I am.

    Ooh - me too. There is no way for me to really hide my feelings when I am truly angry or hurt. Probably for the better, there is some part of my brain that carries on a complex and heated dialog when I am very emotional, but which won't let me express myself out loud until that dies down some.

    I have never, even as a little girl, kept a diary or jouirnal, to this should be a very interesting experiment.