Friday, June 11, 2010

This is where it gets hard

As I initially began learning about D/s, I formed opinions about what must be included for a relationship to be D/s out side of the bedroom, to be 24/7 so to speak. I figured we were never really going there because it all just didn't seem like useful or feasible transformations for our lives. I came to see, over time, that there were so many different possibilities, and potentially a lot more depth to it.

This all started for us because I asked my husband if we could incorporate D/s into our sex life, not because I had always fantasized about such things, but because that was the part of our relationship that didn't feel right and loving and connected. We never made a one time conscious decision to expand things beyond sex; it just progressed naturally that way, very slowly, sometimes easily, and sometimes more fitfully. Now when I look at our relationship, it is "just us". The changes have been, for the most part, so gradual that I don't necessarily recognize it as any different than it ever was.

Until something big happens. And this week something has happened that has highlighted just how different our relationship is now from a year ago. He has moved into my mental space, my privacy, my mind and thoughts; and it is intrusive in a way that I would never have tolerated before, and which wouldn't be in vanilla relationships.

We have never discussed an overarching structure for our dynamic, never spelled out consent for certain things but not others, never talked about limits for the reach of his involvement in my everyday life. It continues to just evolve as seems natural, useful, or needful. His involvement is not so much in logistics, but in behaviours; not in presentation, but in underlying beliefs and motivations; not in asking me to change to his specifications, but to examine and consider my choices. While i think i might chafe a bit at controls on my external self, i am finding his insinuation into my underlying self to be confusing, difficult, uncomfortable, disturbing and at times painful. It takes self control and determination to make changes to ones habits or appearance. I am finding it takes a different kind of self control, one with which I am much less familiar, to accept and work with this sort of intrusion.

His probing my mind has compelled him to be brutally honest with himself at the same time. It is this process that is responsible for each of us learning about ourselves more thoroughly and honestly than ever before, and more importantly, knowing each other differently and more deeply. And this is what leads to us finding more joy and connection with each other. The ends are well worth it, but the cost is not negligible.


  1. There is no better mirror with which to see our true reflection, then from the one who knows and loves us best.
    I'm so happy for your joy and better connection!

  2. Very nice post with great points. You are seeing how a true D/s relationship is and can be much more involved and intense than a vanilla one. Having to show every inch of your inner self can be hard, as it makes you very vulnerable. Yet, the rewards can be tremendous. I'm happy to see that this is working so well for you both, and that is has been so natural.


  3. "The ends are well worth it, but the cost is not negligible."
    Such a completely open and honest statement. One that really touches at the core of TTWD. The inner battle that rages within us trying to find our way in a D/s relationship is very real and very powerful. All I can offer is the hope that the storm will rage on yet the intensity will lessen to a much calmer setting.

    When you reach this place it is an incredible feeling. But it is a feeling that needs to be constantly maintained and worked with by both of you.

    I appreciate the honesty of your blog. It doesn't candy coat TTWD for those out there that maybe wondering about how this lifestyle works. Keep up the awesome blogging and just "let go" when you can, the rest will fall into place.

  4. While I sometimes find that deep connection uncomfortable, it's also a huge relief. Because they're that deep and they're still there.
    Not running away,
    not pulling back,

    That's something you don't trade for the world.

  5. Elysia,
    That is such a nice way of putting it - last week was a week of paying the upfront costs for the joy and connection - but we are coming around.

    It is more than I could have imagnined - both in the difficulty and the rewards. It's a whole new world.

    What a nice compliment, especially because I consider your writing to be all of those things. Things are better now - he was out fo town which always makes these thigns more difficult. He is back now adn we are able to work through the issues and the feelings.

    An incredible important point you make - thank you for pointing out that which i should really remember.

  6. Knowing each other differently and more deeply,,,
    Starting from a place of love, the choices made allow you to move forward into uncharted areas despite uncertainty and even fear. I am not sure that many of us understand the sacrifice, the price of the closeness we crave. Like being exposed to the searing face of the sun up close it seems,,

  7. CD,
    I think that, typically,things that are gained cheaply don't have much value. This is a good example. You're right though - hte love is where it starts and what allows it to happen.

  8. The deeper you get into it, often it gets more and more difficult as you peel back the layers of the onion.