Thursday, June 17, 2010

how should i seem?

My husband has commented to me, more than a few times, that I just don't seem very excited when we have plans for adult time. He looks forward to these things, and whether the period of anticipation is an hour or several days, he anticipates with pleasure. He finds it frustrating and maybe off-putting that I seem more often distracted, uninterested, nervous, or just in a bad mood about it. I am, and I tell him I am, interested, looking forward to it, etc, but I know my face and body say something else entirely. Along the same lines, he has been frustrated by the fact that I am unable to rally much genuine enthusiasm when he asks me what I might like to do, or try, or experience.

I have never really known quite how to act about it. I certainly don't want to be sad or scared or hang my head, but there is a certain amount of nerves involved. Excited or gleeful don't seem quite right given what it is. It just seems wrong to be genuinely excited, what kind of person is excited or looks forward to such a thing? The fact that my body immediately announces its own interest and arousal at the idea, in direct contrast to my mental state, further confuses things. This is part of why I seem ambivalent.

I do anticipate sessions- not exactly with pleasure, although partly. It is a large part that shy, small, quiet, drawn in, submissive feeling. Maybe it is also a little like the feelings before a big race - the potential for accomplishment, and the potential for failure - but you know there will be pain, and you just don't know how body will perform for you today. It is also maybe a bit like the feeling before doing something almost scary, like a roller coaster or a really challenging ski run - something that you know will get your adrenalin flowing.

I truly do want all of this. And I am aware it is completely contradictory to want something and to seem so very ambivalent about getting it. I also know that my husband cannot read my mind, and does rely on my feedback to know how I am about things overall, or specifically, and to make decisions about what or how or how much. I have promised to be completely candid and honest before, during and afterwards about any and all of it. But part of that honesty is that I honestly don't know exactly how I feel.


  1. I think you said it best when you said your body is reacting one way and your mind is thinking something else. You body is excited and wants this. Your logical mind is telling you it's not right. This is a quandary for so many subs it seems. It's the mental part of getting beyond how you feel and think you are supposed to act, versus the way you really do want to act.

    From what I read in your post, it seems that a lot of it has to do with acceptance. You have to be able to fully accept this and all the parts of it in your mind to truly be able to open up and enjoy it. Getting to that point can be very difficult. your body sounds like it is there and saying yes. You are just battling some inner mental demons, and that is where your conflict lies. I think the two of you need to openly discuss this, so he knows and understands exactly where you are. Maybe you do or have already. Letting go mentally and accepting this and all that is a part of it is a big part of the battle. It takes time.

    Hang in there!


  2. I fully get your husband's point, so this is in no way criticism of him, but I would guess that knowing that your somewhat mixed reaction causes him frustration ALSO adds to the mixedness of your reaction. (Oooh, parse that!)
    The proverbial vicious circle.

    Unfortunately, there's not much for it but time and patience and persistence, all of which you both have. (I'd mention we're all behind you both, too but I think there are enough expectations muddying the waters at the moment as it is!)

    Slow and steady wins the race...

  3. I get this way too when we're about to try something new... or we're going to do something I know is going to be painful. It's really not abnormal to be introspective when you have a rush of different emotions and feelings going through you. It doesn't mean you don't want it or won't enjoy it (or its effects)... and really... I mean how silly is this picture:

    "WOO HOO... I'm gonna get spanked until my bum turns a nice shade of red and purple," as you jump up and down in excitement.

    Just doesn't fit. I mean sometimes I get playful and giddy beforehand... sometimes I feel dread. It really depends... and neither reaction is right or wrong.



  4. It is what it is.

    I find that unless we've set the scene in advance of a meeting with emails -- racy talk -- what have you....that I feel pretty ambivalent.

    add in that what we do is both pleasant and unpleasant -- so wrong and so right to our/my puritanical upbringing-- it's easy to have mixed feelings

    add to that all the fiction and blogs out there that emphasize that a 'good' sub is endlessly enthusiastic

    hard not to meet that expectation.

    you are who you are -- mixed feelings and all.




  5. DV,
    We do talk. This post was partly out of frustration at not being able to explain very well exactly what i am feeling at these times. Your comment makes me wonder something new though - if i get to the point that i am open and accepting of all the contradictions, would I lose the small, quiet nervousness? Or does that sumbissive feeling somehow remain?

    Smart not to muddy the waters further - i do appreciate that. This is not an existential crisis - just a funny bit of confusion and uncertainty.

    Yes! that was my point - as much as i want and often crave it - it just seems wrong to be doing a happy dance about it.

    SFP (aka: hingho),
    Thank you. I haven't been able to get into it in the right way to help with the scene setting before hand - i imagine we will be talking this all through for some time. There is no one else who know about us this way - and yet i still feel inhibited enough to be confused - guess it all takes time.