My husband has commented to me, more than a few times, that I just don't seem very excited when we have plans for adult time. He looks forward to these things, and whether the period of anticipation is an hour or several days, he anticipates with pleasure. He finds it frustrating and maybe off-putting that I seem more often distracted, uninterested, nervous, or just in a bad mood about it. I am, and I tell him I am, interested, looking forward to it, etc, but I know my face and body say something else entirely. Along the same lines, he has been frustrated by the fact that I am unable to rally much genuine enthusiasm when he asks me what I might like to do, or try, or experience.
I have never really known quite how to act about it. I certainly don't want to be sad or scared or hang my head, but there is a certain amount of nerves involved. Excited or gleeful don't seem quite right given what it is. It just seems wrong to be genuinely excited, what kind of person is excited or looks forward to such a thing? The fact that my body immediately announces its own interest and arousal at the idea, in direct contrast to my mental state, further confuses things. This is part of why I seem ambivalent.
I do anticipate sessions- not exactly with pleasure, although partly. It is a large part that shy, small, quiet, drawn in, submissive feeling. Maybe it is also a little like the feelings before a big race - the potential for accomplishment, and the potential for failure - but you know there will be pain, and you just don't know how body will perform for you today. It is also maybe a bit like the feeling before doing something almost scary, like a roller coaster or a really challenging ski run - something that you know will get your adrenalin flowing.
I truly do want all of this. And I am aware it is completely contradictory to want something and to seem so very ambivalent about getting it. I also know that my husband cannot read my mind, and does rely on my feedback to know how I am about things overall, or specifically, and to make decisions about what or how or how much. I have promised to be completely candid and honest before, during and afterwards about any and all of it. But part of that honesty is that I honestly don't know exactly how I feel.