Friday, June 4, 2010

I am submissive

I have been operating, or learning to start to operate, as submissive for about a year now. But it has been only in this past two weeks that I have been able to come out and say this, that I am submissive.

I would think this might make me one of the slowest learners in the world, or deep in denial, or very resistant to the notion of submission. I don't feel like these are true though. I can be incredibly stubborn and convoluted in my thinking, but I'm not generally a slow learner. I don't deny that I posess so many of the attributes of submissive: many are qualities I considered my strengths, others I always viewed as areas I needed to fight to change, but I know they are me. I also am not resistant to the notion of submission, per se. I haven't ever had the impression that "submissive equals doormat" or that it was turning myself over to potential abuse, or that it would make me in any way less than I am.

There must be deeper, subconscious reasons for my reluctance or resistance; I am human and complex like everyone else. But there are some more mundane ones that I can identify. I don't like to be wrong - it's not a very attractive attribute, but it's true. So i was reluctant to commit to something only to have some (real or imagined) person thinking or saying what i fool i am to say such a thing. Too - I think that not owning it out loud left me an out if it got too hard. If I failed -I could just point to the fact that it wasn't the right thing for me in the first place.

The biggest reason though had to do with what if "dominant" didn't fit my husband? Initially I worried that he would reject me if I turned out to be this other person than the one he knew and loved, and that all these new needs and desires would be just too much or too strange or just distateful to him. I would so much have rathered deny any new feelings than risk upsetting what we had. As he reassured me and showed me this part was ok with him, I came to worry that, even though he could "put on" dominance, what if it weren't really him. What if I were asking him to be someone he wasn't. Wouldn't that ultimately be damaging to him (and to our relationship.)

I know that "submissive" isn't something I can put on or take off at will, or choose not to be based on what he truly is or isn't. But I would have. I know now that I have to accept that this is me, no matter what anyone else is or does or says. If I fail - it will be because I have failed. And his true nature and true desires are things he will need to explore and learn. And (the very hardest part) I will need to learn to just let that go and trust him to be him.

I didn't expect the shift in my perceptions or feelings about things that occurred with this change from "maybe, sort of, seems to fit, I'll try it for awhile, but I'm not committing" to, "It is who I am, no matter what circumstances necessitate in the future - this is me." I had spent a lot of mental energy on resisting this step. During the letting go - I felt very relieved and light and maybe free. I expected (silly girl) that the thinking and fretting and wondering would be much quieter now. Instead, things feel like they have speeded up, like the brakes have been released. I just hope I can keep up.


  1. Getting through it to the point of letting it go is, I think, the hardest part.
    I'm just really glad for you.

  2. Great to see you're ready to concede you are a submissive. I think you now have many great experiences ahead of you.


  3. "I am submissive" are very powerful words. It shows that you are a wise woman in that you took the time to study and think and make sure it was right for you to say them.

    I've had many moments where I swore I was going to "give up" being a submissive,but I've never been able to. Like you I've had to accept that I'm a submissive whether my Husband is being Dominant or not.

  4. Jz,
    Thanks - for someone as thickheaded as me it is the hardest part.

    Thank you for your consistant encoragement.

    I believe you are right. And I believe that our marriage has been changed for good. How it will continue to evolve I don't know. There are so many sources "out there" saying that bringing D/s into a marriage won't work, that it is doomed to fail; i appreciate reading of your success.

  5. Wow... this is really a huge step... the acceptance part. Congrats! And don't feel bad... it took me nearly two years to really accept it. I think most of the fear and reluctance comes from societal standards to be honest. Somehow being submissive is always equated with weakness, when it has nothing to do with that.



  6. Greengirl,

    You crawled inside my mind and wrote exactly what I feel. I am so glad that you can say that you are now submissive.

    I hope to be there soon. This post really helped me a lot. I hope you don't mind but I used a lot of quotes from it in my blog today.

    Thanks for being so honest.

  7. Janet,
    I'm glad it helped. I benefit enourmously from other peoples' thoughts and learning processes, yours included.

  8. Hi greengirl,
    Wow, I'm with Janet. It almost seemed as if I was reading my own thoughts. The only diffence...I came to the truth of knowing I was a submissive before I talked to my husband. That is actually what got me to the point where I could talk to him. Hindsight lets me see that I have been a submissive all my life, just waiting to actually live it. We have just started on this journey, W and I. It's hard already, but it's right. Thank you for putting all your stuff out there. It is a great help to the rest of us.


  9. Kelly,
    Welcome, it is nice to meet you. It does seem that a lot of peope have such a similar experience with this, and yet to me (and I imagine everyone else) it feels so incredibly personal and unique. It is enormously helpful to be able to read so many other peoples' thoughts and experiences, and insights.