I am submissive

I have been operating, or learning to start to operate, as submissive for about a year now. But it has been only in this past two weeks that I have been able to come out and say this, that I am submissive.

I would think this might make me one of the slowest learners in the world, or deep in denial, or very resistant to the notion of submission. I don't feel like these are true though. I can be incredibly stubborn and convoluted in my thinking, but I'm not generally a slow learner. I don't deny that I posess so many of the attributes of submissive: many are qualities I considered my strengths, others I always viewed as areas I needed to fight to change, but I know they are me. I also am not resistant to the notion of submission, per se. I haven't ever had the impression that "submissive equals doormat" or that it was turning myself over to potential abuse, or that it would make me in any way less than I am.

There must be deeper, subconscious reasons for my reluctance or resistance; I am human and complex like everyone else. But there are some more mundane ones that I can identify. I don't like to be wrong - it's not a very attractive attribute, but it's true. So i was reluctant to commit to something only to have some (real or imagined) person thinking or saying what i fool i am to say such a thing. Too - I think that not owning it out loud left me an out if it got too hard. If I failed -I could just point to the fact that it wasn't the right thing for me in the first place.

The biggest reason though had to do with what if "dominant" didn't fit my husband? Initially I worried that he would reject me if I turned out to be this other person than the one he knew and loved, and that all these new needs and desires would be just too much or too strange or just distateful to him. I would so much have rathered deny any new feelings than risk upsetting what we had. As he reassured me and showed me this part was ok with him, I came to worry that, even though he could "put on" dominance, what if it weren't really him. What if I were asking him to be someone he wasn't. Wouldn't that ultimately be damaging to him (and to our relationship.)

I know that "submissive" isn't something I can put on or take off at will, or choose not to be based on what he truly is or isn't. But I would have. I know now that I have to accept that this is me, no matter what anyone else is or does or says. If I fail - it will be because I have failed. And his true nature and true desires are things he will need to explore and learn. And (the very hardest part) I will need to learn to just let that go and trust him to be him.

I didn't expect the shift in my perceptions or feelings about things that occurred with this change from "maybe, sort of, seems to fit, I'll try it for awhile, but I'm not committing" to, "It is who I am, no matter what circumstances necessitate in the future - this is me." I had spent a lot of mental energy on resisting this step. During the letting go - I felt very relieved and light and maybe free. I expected (silly girl) that the thinking and fretting and wondering would be much quieter now. Instead, things feel like they have speeded up, like the brakes have been released. I just hope I can keep up.