Saturday, June 12, 2010

summer camp

We are resolving the things that became difficult last week. Everything was made worse by the fact that he was not home - so we talked about things, but we couldn't re-connect. I couldn't feel that things were really better. I had been reassured that he was no longer angry, that things were over and done with, that I should put it behind me and go back to being myself, but I wasn't able to and I remained tentative and unsure of how to act, what to feel, what to say. I didn't feel fearful or worry our marriage would end, but I also couldn't go back to feeling at ease with him. I was nervous.

Which made it very bad timing. Our kids were to leave for camp in a few days. This would be the first time that we would have more than a few hours truly alone together without other obligations, distractions, interruptions, or potential eyes and ears waking up or walking in. I was already more than a little anxious about this. Last year they went to camp very shortly after I had told him I wished for him to assume control in the bedroom. That was a fun and very welcome opportunity at the time. But we've changed since then, a lot.

He especially is different now. I guess I don't talk about this aspect of our life much, but he has grown into the Dom thing. I used to worry (a lot) that he was doing his side of things for me only, or just tolerating them, or kinda - sorta interested, maybe a bit uncomfortable with the idea of causing me pain. All very reasonable, at least to me. If those were ever true, they aren't any longer. Now there is no doubt in my mind that he enjoys (plans, dreams about, anticipates, savors, is excited by) everything he does; and if he doesn't, it isn't done. We have reached the point that I believe it will be me who's boundaries are stretched or pushed, or maybe limits reached, not his.

So I have had some anxiety about the idea of several nights in a row (we do both have to work) of free play time. He has been drawing up plans, actually taking measurements, and dropping hints, all designed to keep me either on my toes, or maybe back on my heels. He had me choose several new toys for him to order [I think I may like the flogger better than some of the other implements, at least I tell myself that; the clover clamps were pure bravada I will surely regret]. He has promised the red (i.e., giant - to me) plug. And I can't imagine what else or what other new realms he has planned to explore.

All of this is, of course, exciting - but not in a yippee!! way. He, willfully I think, doesn't understand my trepidation or lack of enthusiasm. I trust him, I don't fear for my safety, and I know he is not at all seeking to overpower me or to test his mettle, but maybe mine. We are both learning, but he pushes, not tries to break. And I want several things: I want to experience the sensations, or I want to have experienced them; I want to give him the way to play out what he has imagined in his mind; and in an odd way, I want to see how we can be together in this way. This all means that I do want to have my boundaries pushed, even if it makes me a bit nervous.

He is home now, and we have had a chance to re-connect. I feel much better. But the eggshells feeling from our disconnect is still there in the background. And my anxiety about being able to really engage in what he wants me to is in the forground. This could go either way. I don't want the anxiety to block me, I want to be able to take a deep breath and step into it with him and let it happen.


  1. Okay... well first of all, I know exactly how you're feeling. This is why some of us kinda need that punishment. It helps get us passed that feeling of not being able to let go... to accept that it's over and done with. I'm not suggesting that you need punishment or that you both should take that path... just pointing out that maybe in some way you need some closure with this issue before moving ahead.

    Also... keep in mind that punishment, correction... whatever you want to call it doesn't have to be physical. It can be as simple as writing an essay or something. Asha feels that the focus of a punishment should be on correcting a behavior and finding closure... not demeaning someone for being "disobedient" so to speak.

    So maybe you ought to think about writing down what you're feeling about the issue. Also let him know that although he's told you it's over and done with, you're having trouble letting it go. Ask him if he can help you find closure and discuss ways that would work for the both of you to get to that.

    I would not suggest going into a play session while you've still got these feelings. The reason I say this is because with the mindset you are in, you won't be able to enjoy it for what it is... it will feel like punishment to you. You will most likely end up hysterical and he will feel like he did something wrong... pushed you too far or something.

    It's really important that he understands where your mind is right now and that you both work through that first so it doesn't cause further issues.



  2. funny how things work out, you ask and you get. Some how though it is never quite like we imagine it. Not to worry it's all been better than you imagined and this will be too.

  3. Turiya,
    I have been thinking a lot about that very thing. I am seeing the other side of it at this point, the benefits. We are talking about it a bit and I will try to untangle all my feelings enough to write it out.

    This case is different in that, it stemmed from us each understanding a very important concept in fundamentally different ways. He was genuinely and rightfully hurt and very angry, but I was genuinely and honestly not guilty of having done anything wrong. That was and is part of the difficulty, I feel awful about hurting him, but i couldn't have known or avoided it, and I'm just not sure how punishment fits into that picture.

    We have gone a long way toward sorting it all out. I am feeling much better today. Thank you.

    Sir J,
    Your're right, I did ask, and I never would have imagined, and it has been very good - and in unexpected ways.

  4. GG,
    You said, "We have reached the point that I believe it will be me who's boundaries are stretched or pushed, or maybe limits reached, not his."
    I know that you probably mean,this particular planned event.
    This made me "wonder", perhaps their boundaries are different than ours. I feel that my husband's stretching and pushing are happening in a more emotional and nurturing/guiding way, where mine are physical and logistical. I'm sure that for yours, he is working on pushing your limits and helping you "stretch" and still trust him and "feel safe",which is the way you say he makes you feel. It can't be easy to provide that balance. There has to be constant "reading and adjusting" on their part. I suppose this means he is venturing beyond his own boundaries. Of course, it's hard to focus so much on what THEY must be experiencing, when it takes so much focus to "be stretched and pushed".
    Your post made me think about this.
    I'm glad you're feeling better about "things".

  5. Elysia,
    You are so absolutely right. He is facing emotional growth and self examination like he never has before. I think it is good for me to remember that, without trying to guide it. "In the moment" I am learning to focus on the moment, and not try to read his mindset. It took me awhile, and I think it was an important step for me.

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  7. I didn't mean that it should be about punishment really... more about finding closure. I was just pointing out why some submissives feel they need punishment, because of that feeling of not being able to let things go. Hope you are able to sort things out soon, though. It's really a sucky feeling.