We are resolving the things that became difficult last week. Everything was made worse by the fact that he was not home - so we talked about things, but we couldn't re-connect. I couldn't feel that things were really better. I had been reassured that he was no longer angry, that things were over and done with, that I should put it behind me and go back to being myself, but I wasn't able to and I remained tentative and unsure of how to act, what to feel, what to say. I didn't feel fearful or worry our marriage would end, but I also couldn't go back to feeling at ease with him. I was nervous.
Which made it very bad timing. Our kids were to leave for camp in a few days. This would be the first time that we would have more than a few hours truly alone together without other obligations, distractions, interruptions, or potential eyes and ears waking up or walking in. I was already more than a little anxious about this. Last year they went to camp very shortly after I had told him I wished for him to assume control in the bedroom. That was a fun and very welcome opportunity at the time. But we've changed since then, a lot.
He especially is different now. I guess I don't talk about this aspect of our life much, but he has grown into the Dom thing. I used to worry (a lot) that he was doing his side of things for me only, or just tolerating them, or kinda - sorta interested, maybe a bit uncomfortable with the idea of causing me pain. All very reasonable, at least to me. If those were ever true, they aren't any longer. Now there is no doubt in my mind that he enjoys (plans, dreams about, anticipates, savors, is excited by) everything he does; and if he doesn't, it isn't done. We have reached the point that I believe it will be me who's boundaries are stretched or pushed, or maybe limits reached, not his.
So I have had some anxiety about the idea of several nights in a row (we do both have to work) of free play time. He has been drawing up plans, actually taking measurements, and dropping hints, all designed to keep me either on my toes, or maybe back on my heels. He had me choose several new toys for him to order [I think I may like the flogger better than some of the other implements, at least I tell myself that; the clover clamps were pure bravada I will surely regret]. He has promised the red (i.e., giant - to me) plug. And I can't imagine what else or what other new realms he has planned to explore.
All of this is, of course, exciting - but not in a yippee!! way. He, willfully I think, doesn't understand my trepidation or lack of enthusiasm. I trust him, I don't fear for my safety, and I know he is not at all seeking to overpower me or to test his mettle, but maybe mine. We are both learning, but he pushes, not tries to break. And I want several things: I want to experience the sensations, or I want to have experienced them; I want to give him the way to play out what he has imagined in his mind; and in an odd way, I want to see how we can be together in this way. This all means that I do want to have my boundaries pushed, even if it makes me a bit nervous.
He is home now, and we have had a chance to re-connect. I feel much better. But the eggshells feeling from our disconnect is still there in the background. And my anxiety about being able to really engage in what he wants me to is in the forground. This could go either way. I don't want the anxiety to block me, I want to be able to take a deep breath and step into it with him and let it happen.