Friday, July 27, 2012

Open



No kids, him actually home many of the nights...  This past week could have been one long wild and crazy sex, sex, sex party.  I could have been naked or bound or in a cute apron and heels and nothing else.  He could have beaten me and used me morning, noon and night, non-stop.... 


Except that he couldn't: we both have jobs that have each taken a turn for the challenging lately, and the dog needs to be walked, and we have social obligations, and lots of open windows and neighbors who really don't want to see all of us, and - well - you get the idea.  


So - not a week long scene of B or D or S or M or even sex, sex, sex, although there was some of all of that, and it was nice......


But it was a week of working on open (specifically me working on being open).  I honestly hadn't realized how not-open i quite often really am. 


So - while i wasn't fully naked the whole week, my bottom half was to be constantly and completely unobstructed and uncovered when in the house.  Open access and open view for him, some serious mental discomfort and self consciousness for me - although his demonstrations of his appreciation of my bottom half were very encouraging.  


He worked on my being open to him - all of me - in whatever way he wanted, not in whatever way i do or don't prefer.  Waiting in his position, open and exposed - i do like that, and as much as it makes me feel vulnerable, self conscious, and maybe apprehensive - it is submissive and i know he appreciates it, so i want to offer that.  


On the other hand - i really dislike being played with, fondled, groped - whatever - when it's just an idle passing thing.  It feels to me like i'm just something for him to fidget with when he has nothing else to do with his hands.  It feels like he is not interested in me, just bored.   I tense up and cringe away and roll my eyes and sigh loudly. He worked on that, worked on me understanding that he wants me to be open to him playing with me in whatever way his mood takes him, that i am his plaything in whatever form.  I will keep working on this.


There was also work on my being open to him making decisions, my letting go of my expectations and learning to embrace and appreciate what he lays out. And there was work on my doing what he asks, and doing it graciously.  


For a week that i had hoped could be a bit vacationy for us - i've used the word 'work' a lot in talking about it.  But, maybe not so surprisingly, this week has helped me feel more secure, more grounded, and more confident in him, in myself, in us.  








And....  you know how there are those verses, lines, poems, etc that you always remembered from childhood?  For some reason, this particular poem has been with me since i was 8 or 9, I have no idea why this one, but it turns out part of it fits, hopefully not all of it though.    I'll be back in a few weeks.


I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."
             
                                 Ogden Nash

20 comments:

  1. I think we all need to work on those things from time to time. I am glad you were able to have some time to do it and that you found it beneficial.

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    1. Db,
      I think you are right, it's prt of the continual work of the whole thing. Thank you

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  2. All the things you mentioned, I think are elements that require constant feeding and attending to...tackle it all in one week? Wow.

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    1. Oh its absolutely not finished work, just things that we haD some time and privacy to really focus on. And apparently things he felt were important to him Absolutely they are ongoing.

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  3. Being open isn't as easy as it seems it should be, or feels like it should be. It's a place, which at least for mouse, makes her feel vulnerable to him.

    It sounds similar to what you feel.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. I I certainly have a long way to go with this one.

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  4. I first thought Oooh that sounds hot. Then I read how it made you feel at times. Yeah I can see why you would maybe feel that way, but it sounds like you had a great week of communication and the end result was worth it? :)

    Dee x

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    1. It was a week that was very good in an unexpected way, but good for us I think.

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  5. "Open" is tough.
    I know I seem to have only two settings for it: the rarely-seen completely "On"; or completely "Off" (as seen by most who know me.)
    It's not a setting I have any control over, either. Just an instinctual response. So while I can't know "exactly how you feel", I can certainly visualize how incredibly difficult I would find it to have to learn to beat down that response. Even wanting to does not make it easier.
    You are a very brave woman.

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    1. Well thank you. I don't know about brave, somehow it seems like it should be so simple....

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  6. I am not a fan of random grabs either - I feel like I need to know what is coming at me - or being in a space to accept the unexpected. Perhaps we need an open week.

    Naked lower half all week - that would be tough!

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    1. He did manage to pick some things that didn't seem like a big deal on their face, but were pretty targeted challenges.

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  7. Love the poem, greengirl! Ogden Nash is one of my favorites.

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  8. O, wow. This sounds like a powerful experience. Challenging.

    And, um, hot. At least it struck me as very hot. Nice.

    And hard work, for sure.

    aisha

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    1. Aisha,
      It all seems to add up to good, or good for me, or us. Thank you.

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  9. I know this wasn't the sex sex sex you hoped for but it sounds like a very intense week-and that always ends up being hot for me-hope you too! Enjoy the trip-I enjoyed the poem!

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    1. Saoirse,
      It was a very rewarding trip. Thank you.

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  10. Interesting how different we are in feeling here. If H does anything similar, it drives me wild (in a very good way) and I need that -if he has plans for me later. "Work me up" I tell him, b/c sometimes his own switch goes on and I have to play catch up- in my mind and physically. We've never "worked" at it, in such a focused way, but I would just love it. I don't know if I'm always open, but I think... at least when he comes by and focuses on me "that" way.
    This kind of "work" is much better than lots of other things called work - I'm jealous and
    I like the poem. :-)

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    1. Elysia,
      I know this Is a particular problem for me. I have a pretty good idea why this is so hard for me even. It's good he pushes it a bit now, it forces me to be in the present with him, not in the past in other circumstances. It is one benefit to ttwd, setting the right conditions to allow this. Thanks.

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