lil asked, "Mine is, how do you feel ttwd has changed you as a person?" and bleuame added, "Question--kind of in line with Lil's: How has ttwd changed you both, as people? Do you think there is a going back place? Do you think it is possible to take this all off the table (so to speak)?"
My focus and concentration have completely abandoned me the past few days - i have no idea why and if i could focus for more than 30 seconds I would be very upset about it - i sort of need to use my brain most days. But I'm going to try this - maybe forcing myself to do the hard one will force some focus back - fake it til you make it.....
One of the unsurprising ways this has all changed me has to do with sex - not just that we have more of it or more flavors - but that i have learned to be involved emotionally and not just physically in the whole world of sex. I had shut off, or maybe never connected, the emotional aspects of sex long before I ever had sex of my own choosing. I didn't know that's what i was doing - but now i see why it never felt like all it seemed like it should. that has been a huge difference for me and for us.
Also - and related to sex - I grew up with a twisted framework for sex in general - but i also grew up with a very, very narrow world view. I wasn't raised in a bigoted environment, though i could see it in areas just outside of our family, it was just very bland and narrow. TTWD has helped me see not just the lots more world that is out there, but to see the many facets to people and ways of being that i wouldn't have grasped or tried to see previously.
I feel like i should say that being submissive has either caused conflict with my work self, or enhanced and given me greater confidence in that realm. Neither is exactly true in the straightforward way. But learning about my submissive side has allowed me to recognize those traits and tendencies which has allowed me to be more intentional about expressing or choosing not to express them - at work and in the larger world. It has allowed me to see where some of my internal conflict and discomfort comes from and either change what I'm doing or at least accept that it is going to be there.
There are so, so many ways in which ttwd has been good for the Us - for our marriage. That's too much to talk about - but one example of the much better communication and closer relationship is that I know that my husband wants me to succeed in my profession - beyond lip service or just 'supporting' me - his pride in what i do pushes me to be and do more.
I am very curious and hopeful that my husband will be willing to talk with me about whether or not he feels like he has been changed as a person. I do think he is more confident in his role as a husband - he never did fumble around or look to me to see how he should conduct himself as a husband, but i think he found me and marriage exasperating at times. When i got to be truly too much, his answer was to walk away. I feel like he is more confident to go with his instincts and communicate his expectations than before. By the same token, he has learned to see me and hear me much more effectively than ever before. My being emotional was what would exasperate him the most, and he cuts through that now and can stay to figure out what is really going on. I have no idea if he feels like he has changed in his way of dealing with anything outside of us though.
As to going back - i don't think there would be any way to take out many of the ways we now relate to each other, although i expect the form and appearance and details of our dynamic will evolve. One of my biggest fears in asking him to consider D/s and ultimately M/s was that if we ever needed to or decided to go back, our relationship wouldn't be able to withstand the resentment and hard feelings or loss. I truly believe we are past the point that it would be a going backwards - whatever comes would be moving forward on out path.
Thank you both for these questions, these were good things for me to think about a little bit harder.
My focus and concentration have completely abandoned me the past few days - i have no idea why and if i could focus for more than 30 seconds I would be very upset about it - i sort of need to use my brain most days. But I'm going to try this - maybe forcing myself to do the hard one will force some focus back - fake it til you make it.....
One of the unsurprising ways this has all changed me has to do with sex - not just that we have more of it or more flavors - but that i have learned to be involved emotionally and not just physically in the whole world of sex. I had shut off, or maybe never connected, the emotional aspects of sex long before I ever had sex of my own choosing. I didn't know that's what i was doing - but now i see why it never felt like all it seemed like it should. that has been a huge difference for me and for us.
Also - and related to sex - I grew up with a twisted framework for sex in general - but i also grew up with a very, very narrow world view. I wasn't raised in a bigoted environment, though i could see it in areas just outside of our family, it was just very bland and narrow. TTWD has helped me see not just the lots more world that is out there, but to see the many facets to people and ways of being that i wouldn't have grasped or tried to see previously.
I feel like i should say that being submissive has either caused conflict with my work self, or enhanced and given me greater confidence in that realm. Neither is exactly true in the straightforward way. But learning about my submissive side has allowed me to recognize those traits and tendencies which has allowed me to be more intentional about expressing or choosing not to express them - at work and in the larger world. It has allowed me to see where some of my internal conflict and discomfort comes from and either change what I'm doing or at least accept that it is going to be there.
There are so, so many ways in which ttwd has been good for the Us - for our marriage. That's too much to talk about - but one example of the much better communication and closer relationship is that I know that my husband wants me to succeed in my profession - beyond lip service or just 'supporting' me - his pride in what i do pushes me to be and do more.
I am very curious and hopeful that my husband will be willing to talk with me about whether or not he feels like he has been changed as a person. I do think he is more confident in his role as a husband - he never did fumble around or look to me to see how he should conduct himself as a husband, but i think he found me and marriage exasperating at times. When i got to be truly too much, his answer was to walk away. I feel like he is more confident to go with his instincts and communicate his expectations than before. By the same token, he has learned to see me and hear me much more effectively than ever before. My being emotional was what would exasperate him the most, and he cuts through that now and can stay to figure out what is really going on. I have no idea if he feels like he has changed in his way of dealing with anything outside of us though.
As to going back - i don't think there would be any way to take out many of the ways we now relate to each other, although i expect the form and appearance and details of our dynamic will evolve. One of my biggest fears in asking him to consider D/s and ultimately M/s was that if we ever needed to or decided to go back, our relationship wouldn't be able to withstand the resentment and hard feelings or loss. I truly believe we are past the point that it would be a going backwards - whatever comes would be moving forward on out path.
Thank you both for these questions, these were good things for me to think about a little bit harder.
Excellent answers.....it is interesting that what some people view as a "fun kink', is actually life changing.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
I suppose it could be any range of just fun to deeply ingrained, like a lot of things in life. It started for us because i wanted to change something fundamental in myself and between us. I'm glad the fun kink is still a part of it though. Thanks.
DeleteGreengirl, thank-you very much for replying to the questions.
ReplyDeleteThis post is so in-depth and I've truly enjoyed reading more and learning from your perspectives here. Thank-you for sharing.
You're welcome - I have enjoyed it, and it has been good for me - writing things out really does force me to be more clear in my head.
DeleteThank you.
ReplyDeleteThis was a really thoughtful and awesome--if this is faking it, it's working wonderfully well!
Ttwd notably had a huge and positive impact on our sex life too--sometimes I think it's hard, when you honestly don't know what it could be if you're "all in" so to speak. Not sure I'm making as much sense as I would like to...
It helped actually - i'm starting to find more focus - not a lot- but a bit better. And yea - it's hard to have the full picture when you're in the middle of it all, and it's hard to imagine what it's like when you're both much more deeply engaged if you've never been deeply engaged. thanks.
DeleteHow do you see the dynamic and the sex evolving as you get older?
ReplyDeleteSir J
Do you mean beyond creaky joints and saggier bodies ;) ? Fair question and i will write out an answer. Thank you.
Delete