Saturday, March 22, 2014

last questions: Sir J and Petals MJ

My bandwidth is pretty much maxed out these days, so i'm chugging along very slowly here.....

Petals MJ asked: 
How has your dynamic changed the way you see your husband, if at all? 

The first one made me really ponder.  I feel like i should say i respect him more, look up to him more, that kind of thing.  But those aren't the things that come to mind.  I have always admired and respected his integrity, his way of just digging in and doing what needs to be done, his strength in being true to himself and what he believes is right.  Those traits are highlighted in ttwd, but they've always been there and have always been things i very much appreciate about him.  

He's not overtly emotional or passionate. He is truly the 'still waters run deep' person.  What ttwd has let me see is the depth and the passion that are there - that no one else, including me previously, sees.  I feel very privileged to have that view in fact.  It's something i feel protective of and very much drawn to.

And.. to piggyback Mouse's question...If you gave him a list of things you wish for, would he begin some because you needed or wanted them?

This very thing has been the subject of way too much angst and over-thinking for me.  The whole thing was something i wished for - and he gave it to me....  Or that's how the story sometimes goes in my head.  I get completely caught up in the mess of, "He's just doing it for me, he doesn't really want it or like it, that's not how it's supposed to be, it's supposed to be about what he wants, not what i want, so I should never ask for anything......" 

It has taken me a long time to learn to tell him what i feel like i need, what i think i want and what i think i might like.  And he does sometimes do or give me those things - sometimes in different ways than i expect.  And sometimes he chooses explicitly not to do or give them.  That feels like it's because i asked - which makes me sometimes reluctant to bring ideas to him - because if i think i want it he may deny it just because i want it....  In the end - his consistency in doing just exactly what he chooses to do - no matter what - is what allows me to bring things to him.  

Thank you for these questions - they reminded me of some of the things about him i really love.

And Sir J asked: 
How do you see the dynamic and the sex evolving as you get older?

So - my first smart-alec response is that i foresee creaky joints, saggier bodies, and lots of other bleak ageisms.   On the flip side - he reminds me with some frequency that once the house is ours (i.e., kids no longer living here), he will be able to keep me more the way he wants me - whatever that entails at any given moment.  Which i suppose is both a sex and a dynamic answer.

I guess i do see that some accommodations for aging are inevitable - we are human, not fictional.  On the other hand, i have seen us becoming more and more comfortable and open to expanding what 'sex' encompasses - maybe i mean being 'sexual' more often with it being spread around and not just as part of a finite act.  I've also seen more and more the sexual side of us being woven throughout our dynamic - as a means of communication and giving and taking of power between us - that impacting the rest of our experiences each day (positively) instead of our daily experiences impacting our sex life (negatively) so much.  I can only assume these things will continue to grow and expand and deepen.  

I see us being more and more open to trying different things sexually.  I feel like we were  (I was) in a hurry to try everything - and now we are calmer about it.  We have the rest of our lives to have adventures - and we both like adventures.  

The non-sexual aspects of the dynamic - i see myself becoming less panicked about doing it the right way, or about it just suddenly disappearing, or second guessing what every nuance implies.  I think that will let it be more and more us - more right and good for us- and more reflective of us.  Specifically, as an example: i am learning to hold the me that is His and the me that is in the world at once and integrate them to have a sum greater than each of the parts, rather than just keeping peace between the two.  I think he saw this in me long before i did.  I know he is more and more imposing into my existence - but i'm not even going to try to guess as to what he feels about it all.  

Thank you Sir J for the question.  


  1. "he reminds me with some frequency that once the house is ours (i.e., kids no longer living here), he will be able to keep me more the way he wants me - whatever that entails at any given moment."

    You know, I get these reminders too, and they make me a tad nervous...

    1. lil - yea - more than a tad as a matter of fact....

  2. Greengirl: Lovely post. I love your answers here.
    I totally get that whole consistency thing where he does exactly what he wants....Yeah.

    1. Thanks. It is more important that he be consistent than that he be nice or accommodating or any of those things - it's conterintuitive, but there it is.