Friday, March 14, 2014

sofia's excellent questions

  1. Sofia (at inlovingsubmission) asked: 
  2. 1. What is your favorite part of D/s? Least favorite?
My favorite part of D/s, or of our relationship now, is the whole thing.  I know that sounds like a cop out, but our relationship is closer, stronger, more connected, more open (with each other) and more intimate than ever before.  For me - that comes from being allowed to, being required to be honest with myself and open and honest with him.  That has been far harder for me than any other expectations.  

I think that intensity and connectedness come at a price though; when it wanes or hits the usual low points in the cycles of life, it feels devastating, terrifying.  Through the highs and even the level periods, i wouldn't trade this.  During the lows though i have a very difficult time believing it's worth the price.  

  1. 2. If you could plan a kinky evening (no kids, no interruptions, and he's in the mood) what would it include?
We had an unexpected opportunity to have 24 straight hours to ourselves recently.  We finally used a certificate for a night at an Inn that we had won but figured we would never really have the chance to use.  We indulged in room service and a bottle of wine for dinner, in bed, fire in the fireplace - the whole cliche.  He got to indulge his (previously unbeknownst to me) taste for having me in thigh highs and nothing else.  We talked, and talked, and talked - we needed that so badly, to be able to be intimate on every level.  To re-connect.  To have time to get past the 'i have to rush to have this necessary conversation because we have to be constantly moving along...'  

Later there were cuffs, and clothespins (his most recent fixation), lots of them - he likes the little patterns of red marks all over the next day.  And the crop (love) and the heavy wood paddle (struggle to accept) and the cane, and maybe more- and a vibrator, and several orgasms each.  It was lovely, floaty, not deep-space or pushing limits, but a very much needed reestablishment and re-connection.  
I know that the dinner in bed at the Inn isn't a kinky evening - it's not even something i would have said i would go out of my way to do.  But it was perfect to allow us to relax, focus on just each other, play along with the cliche and know that we are free to explore whatever we want and take our time with it.  That aspect is part of my perfect kinky evening.  Being able to take our time with it, not need to watch a clock because we have to go somewhere, or kids are coming home, etc.  

We used to sometimes play harder.  And i miss that.  I think - for me - i have to be connected and focused for it to work - so the stuff above has to happen too, often enough for me to feel, really feel the submission to him, not just meet the obligations.  But (another) perfect kinky evening would be harder play, on a spanking bench, or not-quite-suspended from the hook in the ceiling in the basement, or laid out on the table in the basement... It would involve pain and invasion and enduring. The particulars aren't important - it's the fact of needing to work hard to give him whatever he's asking for.  

  1. 3. What is your least favorite thing about D/s?     Absolutely the crashes that happen from time to time, the feeling of being disconnected from him.
  2. 4. What does he most appreciate about your kink? (Or what do you think he most appreciates?) What do you most appreciate about him?
  3. I think his first answer (with a bit if a grin) would be related to 'any hole, any time, any way I want..."  I think if pushed for a more serious answer (not to discount the real importance of the former), he would also talk about the connectedness and intimacy of our relationship now (he wouldn't likely use those words though).  I think he most appreciates that i am open - in every way - to him now, most often i want to be, and when it's more difficult, he can expect it anyhow.  
  4. I most appreciate that he was willing to explore all this when i asked - that was a huge risk for me.  And over time, as much as it thwarts me and drives me nuts, i am grateful that he does things exactly the way he wants.   

these made me think - so thank you Sofia


  1. Oh, what lovely answers! This is what i think of as REAL 24/7 D/s, you know? Something sustainable. In my secret heart, i am still hoping that Sir and i are moving toward that.

    Thank you for sharing your responses!!


    1. sofia,
      Your questions looked simple - but they made me take a little deeper look - so thank you. I think we are sustainable, that is what we work for. We know what we are to each other, what our power exchange is, though i imagine form out there it doesn't necessarily look so impressive to a lot of people. I know you're frustrated and hurting - but there is so much that goes into a relationship - each person working on their own stuff, working on fitting with the other person, working on the whole the two people make...maybe that's where you two need to be for now - to make it all sustainable and stronger in the end, to move towards what you want.

  2. Greengirl:
    This is such an insightful post! Thanks for sharing :)

    The inn get-a-way sounds perfect! I think those moments of intimacy are important and however they happen, with a lot of play or just a little, they are always great.

    I love what you said about the crashes, those lows that come and this is a really great point and also something I struggle with. It has left me pondering.

    1. bleuame,
      thank you . we are in this for the long haul - so all the flavors and levels and aspects have to be seen to - this weekend was very much needed. Hope fully - to help make the lows a little less common.

  3. 'I think that intensity and connectedness come at a price though; when it wanes or hits the usual low points in the cycles of life, it feels devastating, terrifying. Through the highs and even the level periods, i wouldn't trade this. During the lows though i have a very difficult time believing it's worth the price.'


    1. mckitten,
      yea - when this hits - it really is hard to see out of the bottom of the pit - one of the long term things i see happening wiht us is that the lows a somewhat less frequent - and - when i'm stuck there, at least now i have faith that there is something outside of the pit, even if i can't see it.

  4. Those were great thoughts you had.....there is a price to pay for the connectedness, but it is worth it...That was a perfect getaway, i yearn for more time, for time to relax, enjoy, talk, play, build up...we do manage it occasionally, but not nearly enough.
    hugs abby

    1. abby- thank you - i suppose people all around the world want more time to be in love this way, time alone, time to relax and enjoy just each other. It is so nice when it does happen.