Friday, November 11, 2011

cheap date

I'm a really cheap date in some ways.   The same way that men (or boys) feel like they get a good return for minimal outlay with their date, my husband gets a lot of squirminess and mental discomfort from me for some pretty easy tasks set on his part.

Once upon a time, I was able to go to him out of the blue and tell him i thought sex would be far better for us if he changed the rules.  I was even able to tell him - repeatedly and specifically - that i thought i wanted for him to cause me pain and to use me in weird ways.  These weren't easy things for me to tell him, but i managed to be coherent and grown up about it.

Somehow, some things have changed.  

The smallest, simplest, shouldn't-even-make-me-blink things make me feel self-conscious, silly, out of place, or very small and at a loss for how to respond.  After almost two years - asking permission to get into bed with him makes me stare at the floor, giggle, and act like the silly, pre-teen girl i never was.  I've asked him, but he won't tell me how he wants me to be in that situation, and I feel like i have no idea at all how to respond.  As a ritual, it ought to make me feel very submissive, quiet, demure maybe - but this one doesn't do that for me.

He sometimes gives me tasks - with a  time frame - and they are things that shouldn't be that hard.  This post by Jake hit on one thing.  Occasionally, my husband will send me links to websites and ask me to choose three things - usually they are toys, of a sort.  He makes it clear that he may or may not ever purchase what i choose, but he wants me to show him what i've picked.  I find this incredibly difficult to do.  It is hard for me to show him what i might or might not want; to think about what really does arouse me; to admit, even to him, what i so very much don't want to admit i find intriguing.  

I don't think he's going for humiliation; somehow to me, humiliation seems like it should be deathly serious.   But he gets an evil grin when something is clearly hard for me, or makes me uncomfortable, or better yet gets me to blush.  He has that Chesire Cat grin every night when i ask to get into bed.  And he pushes forward with these kinds of tasks with the same glint.

There's a really fine line for me between uncomfortable, makes me feel silly or self conscious, or even blush - and over the edge into angry, or shut down, or totally pissed off.  So maybe that's the thing...Sometimes it feels like play - in the very best senses of the word: not so deathly serious, joyous, connecting - like the bedtime ritual.  But it's also got a challenge to it every time, it's him pushing me to go with him and keep myself from moving into anger and withdrawal.  

I still have trouble (obviously) thinking about us in terms of humiliation.  Mostly, i imagine that some things are really just that, in principle, it's just that i'm such a weenie/cheap date/easy target - take your pick - that it hardly seems the right term.  I've also had a fairly dim view of the idea of humiliation used in this way - which is to say, honestly, it scares me.  

This is another area where i really don't know my husband's feelings about the whole thing either.  If past experience is any indication - there is more to it somewhere deep in my head than what i see right now, and in his as well.  I have to add though, that two recent posts, one by mouse and one by sin both gave me a different perspective than i had before.  It's not where i am, or where we are i suppose, but a nicer view than i had previously.  


  1. This is an interesting post. Thank you for sharing it.

    I like the idea of looking for "toys" whether you buy them or not. I think its a good way to discover what turns us on.

  2. greengirl,

    You and my wife, Joy, are much alike in this respect. I have several times asked Joy to pick out toys (see her Christmas list this year, for instance) that she likes and tell me what they are, or watch video clips online and then show me her favorite one, or even think about something she fantasizes about and then share the fantasy with me. Each time it's been difficult for her, and like you, the line between blush and anger is a narrow one.

    However, there are a couple important things I'm trying to accomplish when I ask her to do things like this, and I wonder if your husband has similar goals. The first is to learn new things that Joy likes, that I can then use to provide her with excitement and pleasure. The second is to expose her to a broad spectrum of fun ideas that she may not have seen or thought of before, or that she's thought of but never considered possible in reality. And the third and most important goal is to help Joy realize and admit to herself what she likes, what excites her, and what she fantasizes about.

    All of this, I think, boils down to trying to expand limits. If you can dream it, you can do it, so the more dreams I can foster within Joy's mind, especially nice juicy dreams around activities she feels are "forbidden", the more possibilities open up. Note, by the way, that no flavor of humiliation is involved in this in any way. That's not one of my goals, and in fact, the feeling of humiliation this type of activity sometimes engenders in Joy is a primary obstacle and a source of great frustration for me.

    Obviously that's my relationship with my wife, not yours with your husband, but as I said, I wouldn't be surprised if there were similarities.

    Thanks for the interesting post. And if you feel like writing more on this topic at some point, I'd be very interested in why this makes you feel humiliated. That's something I don't understand.

  3. Sky,
    thanks. I have a feeling that is exactly why my husband wants me to do it. Not at all sure why it is so hard for me.

    I will give some thought to your larger question - i don't have an easy answer. I don't think my husband is going for any level of humiliation with this one - maybe he is or isn't with other things - i don't know. The fact is - it has the same feel for me - different degree and different flavor maybe - but still the same general feel. Sounds like there are indeed similarities. Thank you for the insight into your thoughts.

  4. I think, too, there's a distinction to be made between humiliation and embarrassment. To me, humiliation implies deliberate degradation, whereas embarrassment is simply the curse of the shy person. We don't like being forced to open up.
    Yet even thought this may feel almost as painful in it's own way, it's not the same thing.

  5. Jz,
    I hadn't thought about it that way. Clearly - I feel embarrassed with some of these things - most actually. I think degradation is a good place to start a distinction. Thanks