Wednesday, November 23, 2011

coming back to him

A while ago I had that conquer me feeling - overwhelmingly so - to a different degree than ever before - even different than the sub fever of when we started all this: i needed to feel contained, to be reassured of my place, of his feelings, to have him stop the spinning and put me to rights

This is some thing we have learned, sometimes the hard way - it is something that is different about this dynamic vs. our marriage previously.  When it's good - when the level is just right - it is the feeling that keeps me focused on him and on what i need to be doing, it keeps me centered and level and content - it is the joy that underlies my construct of Him in my head, and it keeps me humming along with energy and power.

But -  sometimes I get overwhelmed with this kind of need and it derails my focus and the energy and power start to swing too far.  If it stays unchecked, i spin out of control, it resurrects and amplifies my doubts. Eventually, something switches off, and i stop wanting it - any of it.  

And that is what happened recently.  I hinted, and i tried to manage on my own, and eventually i went to him and told him what i was feeling.  But with life and between the two of us, it didn't get fixed, and i went completely off the rails, and it was a train wreck.  

And neither of us really knows how to clean up this kind of wreck.  We both tried - and everything we tried just made it all worse.  We couldn't say the right things, and we couldn't hear the things right, and we did too little or too much... 

And last night we had some time - together - because things are just harder to fix when we are apart or crowded out by other people and other obligations.  And we were both very hopeful, i think - very excited, anxious to pick up and resume.  He filled my head with teases and promises (threats?).  I was nervous and anxious and hopeful and ... trying to get back on board. We were both trying.  He was doing what has worked in the past; he was also trying to figure out what i needed, and i told him a lot of things, none of which turned out to be the right answer.

There's the fun stuff, the sexual and the intimate and the impact and the pain used to all its effects, and being his to play with as he wants.  And then there's the whole entirety of our relationship - the everyday stuff, and the underlying agreement that i am his, in everything and at all levels.  They are so intertwined and interdependent, but they are distinct.  And i had gotten back on board for the first, but i was still holding back and reserving judgement for the rest.  

And then the evening didn't go that way, it didn't go the way i had thought it would, or had gotten myself ready for.  He didn't go the way i had wanted him to.  I couldn't adapt, so i went away.  In my mind i hadn't gotten back to him really anyhow, but i went far, far away.  

He has told me in the past - when i feel far away - to just come back to him.  But i always want him to bring me back - to come and find me and force me to come back - to do it for me - which is a pretty metaphor for, "I want him to change what he's doing and the way he's doing it to do it the way i think i want." 

After lots more hard feelings and confusion, after i left our bed, he told me to come back - literally and otherwise.  He told me that, regardless of whatever else was going on, i needed to come back now.  

And that was exactly what i needed.  That cut through my confusion, it put an end to trying to think through all the details and what could or should be done about each.  It gave me something to come back to.  And i did.

Some of the details probably need to be thought through in time because i have no desire to repeat this. But he figured out how to tell me, and i figured out how to listen - finally.   


  1. That on/off switch is not my friend. It's good to come back though. And somehow it's better than before when you do.

  2. I am glad for you, gg. Sometimes that distancing is almost unbearable.

    Sometimes that one step makes the 1000 mile journey seem like a breeze, as hard as that first step often is.

    The way *I* convince myself to come back is to remember that Padrone doesn't take what isn't offered. Often, for *us*, that first little indication that I am ready to come back is all it takes for him to grab me and yank me back, emotionally of course - lol. It doesn't work for everyone of course, but it is how we have grown and where we are at this moment.

    You will find what works for you both. You both love each other, and need this dynamic enough that it is inevitable.


  3. I learn so much about the other side of my own relationship by reading your blog, greengirl. Thanks for sharing as much as you do.

    I'm glad you guys worked things out together. If you ever figure out what causes this distancing thing in the first place, or a sure-fire way to help resolve it when it occurs, please share that too! I, for one, could use a clue...

  4. lil - oh me too - unfortunately it was not the only thing i completely tripped over this time around. Hopefully you are right - i want to think it will be stronger for all this.

    thank you - someone else told me nearly the same thing - that it would seem impossible - until suddenly it didn't. i like your way of looking at it - i do need to give, not just let him take. there is a difference.

    oh if only - I am glad to think this helps anyone else make sense of anything - goodness knows i've benefited from so many other peoples' writing. But i have no answers - barely an understanding of us - certainly no magic for anyone else. But i'm sure you and she do what we do and just keep hammering at it till it finally works.

  5. Lately I have been distant, too and I finally just told Him what I needed. I hate telling Him how and or what to use that will help me reach that center of focus. I always feel like I'm robbing Him in some way when I do this.

    This time I asked for the nipple clamps. The effect was astonishing and immediate. After a long weekend of being unavailable emotionally, I was connected and His in a matter of minutes. I am back to being His girl.

    Other times, I ask for a flogging or the one tail. I only ask when I know I'm emotionally distant for too long or I feel there is a need for me to center myself desperately for reasons outside our relationship. He never feels cheated or less than my Master, but appreciates that I can and do communicate my needs.


  6. Going away, leaving and being left...I think every couple goes through this from time to time. How to get back is so freakin' cpmplicated at times. I'm glad the two of you figured it out! Sara

  7. smiling soul,
    Those would have worked, for sure, probably a lot of other things too. We are both working on the communication - before and after, and on how to deal with this, especially when time and privacy are scarce. And yes - i need to work on asking or telling him what i'm feeling sooner, before it's too late. Thank you.

    We do - i know others do, and i'm sure we'll be here again. I do hope that next time we can negotiate the aftermath better. Thank you.

  8. Having that moment where you were told to come back right then, and the fact that you did come back, really shows just how tightly bound you are now. Glad things are back on the right course. Sometimes I think we go through these times just because we have important lessons we need to learn from them. *hugs*

  9. Serenity,
    It did feel different this time, as lost and angry as i was, i was able to just turn away from that and go back to him. Thank you.