coming back to him

A while ago I had that conquer me feeling - overwhelmingly so - to a different degree than ever before - even different than the sub fever of when we started all this: i needed to feel contained, to be reassured of my place, of his feelings, to have him stop the spinning and put me to rights

This is some thing we have learned, sometimes the hard way - it is something that is different about this dynamic vs. our marriage previously.  When it's good - when the level is just right - it is the feeling that keeps me focused on him and on what i need to be doing, it keeps me centered and level and content - it is the joy that underlies my construct of Him in my head, and it keeps me humming along with energy and power.

But -  sometimes I get overwhelmed with this kind of need and it derails my focus and the energy and power start to swing too far.  If it stays unchecked, i spin out of control, it resurrects and amplifies my doubts. Eventually, something switches off, and i stop wanting it - any of it.  


And that is what happened recently.  I hinted, and i tried to manage on my own, and eventually i went to him and told him what i was feeling.  But with life and between the two of us, it didn't get fixed, and i went completely off the rails, and it was a train wreck.  


And neither of us really knows how to clean up this kind of wreck.  We both tried - and everything we tried just made it all worse.  We couldn't say the right things, and we couldn't hear the things right, and we did too little or too much... 


And last night we had some time - together - because things are just harder to fix when we are apart or crowded out by other people and other obligations.  And we were both very hopeful, i think - very excited, anxious to pick up and resume.  He filled my head with teases and promises (threats?).  I was nervous and anxious and hopeful and ... trying to get back on board. We were both trying.  He was doing what has worked in the past; he was also trying to figure out what i needed, and i told him a lot of things, none of which turned out to be the right answer.


There's the fun stuff, the sexual and the intimate and the impact and the pain used to all its effects, and being his to play with as he wants.  And then there's the whole entirety of our relationship - the everyday stuff, and the underlying agreement that i am his, in everything and at all levels.  They are so intertwined and interdependent, but they are distinct.  And i had gotten back on board for the first, but i was still holding back and reserving judgement for the rest.  


And then the evening didn't go that way, it didn't go the way i had thought it would, or had gotten myself ready for.  He didn't go the way i had wanted him to.  I couldn't adapt, so i went away.  In my mind i hadn't gotten back to him really anyhow, but i went far, far away.  

He has told me in the past - when i feel far away - to just come back to him.  But i always want him to bring me back - to come and find me and force me to come back - to do it for me - which is a pretty metaphor for, "I want him to change what he's doing and the way he's doing it to do it the way i think i want." 

After lots more hard feelings and confusion, after i left our bed, he told me to come back - literally and otherwise.  He told me that, regardless of whatever else was going on, i needed to come back now.  


And that was exactly what i needed.  That cut through my confusion, it put an end to trying to think through all the details and what could or should be done about each.  It gave me something to come back to.  And i did.


Some of the details probably need to be thought through in time because i have no desire to repeat this. But he figured out how to tell me, and i figured out how to listen - finally.