Monday, November 28, 2011

each night

each night he asks me to tell him something

not 1001 nights of tales - although it does have to be something new every night

and something he doesn't already know

about me, or us, or how i feel about me or us or him, or something that's bothering me, or things that are really good

and the problem is - he already knows an awful lot about me; and other stuff seems silly, or embarrassing, or unimportant, or unflattering

till i have so much of nothing to say

all day, i can have a million thoughts,

all brilliant and important and well fleshed out, ready to present

things that are weighing on me, things i realize and want to share with him, things i want him to know

i can even write them down to reference later

then at bedtime......nothing

just stammering, and diversions, and giggling, and ..........

and shame for having nothing to say that's worth him listening to, nothing to take advantage of this opportunity he gives me
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11 comments:

  1. KNovember 28, 2011 at 9:24 AM

    greengirl, reminds me of Christmas lists and favorite movies. I have a lot but when someone asks I draw a blank. Maybe if you have nothing to say Then you can tell him just exactly how you feel and that in itself is unique. The each night sounds great and I am sure I'd be tongue tied at first too.

    Good luck:)

    K

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  2. StormNovember 28, 2011 at 9:34 AM

    Oh that tongue-tied, empty-minded feeling...I'm quite acquainted with that one. I think when I'm put on the spot like that may be the only time I don't have a million thoughts rushing through my head.

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  3. AliceNovember 28, 2011 at 10:03 AM

    Oh I totally get this feeling! Chess always asks me about my day, or what I'm thinking or feeling, offers me the chance to just talk to him... and I can think of a million things to say during the day, may even be determined to ask some question or tell him something, and then when it comes down to it I get all shy and tongue-tied and can't force out anything of substance.

    It's annoying isn't it?!

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  4. faithfulNovember 28, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    me too!! me too!

    about all I can managed to say is " my day was good " (lol)

    I would much rather listen to him talk !

    ~faithful

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  5. SerenityNovember 28, 2011 at 9:14 PM

    I wonder if it has anything to do with the time of day. Maybe you are settling down for the night and your mind is quieting.

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  6. AnonymousNovember 28, 2011 at 11:04 PM

    I know the feeling. I have to write my man an email each night. I am to write about my day, my thoughts and plans for next day. Often I have been thinking about things during the day, then the evening comes and I am to write and I end up feeling stupid. Feeling stupid when I write some boring lines of what I did. I do it tough, even the days it is super hard and I relly feel I'm not writing about anything. I think that is his point. That I am to do it, even tough I sometimes(often) feel blank, because he told me to. And it is a great tool the days I actually manage to spew out thoughts, because there are things that before this task I wouldn't necesseraly have thought about sharing with him. And I guess that is his major point of having me do it, he get a better insight into me.

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  7. greengirlNovember 29, 2011 at 6:51 AM

    K,
    Maybe that is the heart of it - i'm very, very good at thinking, but i suck at feelings. And i think he is looking for more feelings kinds of things. Thanks - i think that's something i hadn't put together before - i think it is so hard because it does make me try to look at how i feel.

    lil,
    It is so unusual for me to have nothing to say - yet this gets me almost every time. Thank goodness he's persistent - he could have given up long ago.

    Alice,
    It is incredibly annoying - to him too i imagine.

    faithful,
    Maybe i can relate a little to our teenagers' answers when we ask them how their days were. Same thing i suppose when all we get is "ok" or "good".

    Serenity,
    I wonder if a different time of day would be any different - morning maybe - i am more of a morning person. Logistically - bedtime makes the most sense - but maybe i can try to channel that morning feeling. Thanks.

    ponderouspet,
    I think you are exactly right - he know darn well this is hard for me, but he persists. And i'm very very glad he does.

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  8. AliceNovember 29, 2011 at 8:58 AM

    I got to thinking, after I read the comment you left on my blog about anxiety... I wonder if this problem we have is part of that. Like being put on the spot like that, even though it's just us and our husband, brings out a bit of that shyness and anxiety?

    I know that's how I've tried to describe it to Chess in the past, that I feel shy and the words just don't come out... it didn't go over well. But I wonder if that really is it.

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  9. AnonymousNovember 29, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    And it seems incredibly sweet and loving to me -on his part, to continue to ask, but on yours too, to continue trying each night... Intimate and tender.

    Thank you for sharing your experience, Gg.

    aisha

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  10. greengirlNovember 30, 2011 at 6:59 AM

    Alice,
    that could be part of it - it would make sense - i am glad he keeps asking though.

    Aisha,
    Thank you - we don't have much in the way of ritual - this is one of the few - and i like it and don't - if that makes sense.

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  11. AnonymousNovember 30, 2011 at 10:19 AM

    That is so nice that he asks you. I would be hard for me to come up with something every night too.

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