There is a person (other than my husband) that i talk to about D/s, ttwd, and relationships in general. I contacted him a long time ago, when i first came to my husband and asked him to not let me say no any longer. I had so many questions, and so much fear. This person, this friend, doesn't make suggestions or give advice, and he has never requested i do anything, has never asked anything of me. He has, however, very patiently answered my questions, discussed ideas and concepts, given counterpoint to my views, helped me learn to form better questions, and helped me to see my own answers.
So i recently brought up this issue - that sometimes I can't get past the feeling that my submission means nothing to my husband, that it isn't really submission - it's just me randomly doing stuff.
My friend was more blunt than usual in his response:
I think it is in those moments that you continue doing the things that matter to you even when you think he does not care that you are being your most submissive. I believe that if you can only feel your submission through his dominance or if you can only feel value in it when he forces it from you then you have not really submitted yet. You are playing a game of action and reaction, if you like me, I will like you back. If you love me, I will love you back. If you dominate me, I will submit. However it does not work this way...... you submit because it is who you are, because it makes you happy, because it full fills you and in doing so you make those around you happy as well.
It is all about you when you decide to let go of expectation and give yourself to him and take joy in the way he enjoys that. That he does not, in your opinion, reciprocate in the way you want is the wrong kind of selfishness. It is attitude that says you must be as I want you instead of a attitude that says I serve because it makes me happy and I accept who you are as you do of me.
I needed to hear this.
I have needed to let go of the image in my head.
I have needed to recognize how self centered of me to want him to be what i think he should be rather than knowing i love and respect him already.
I have needed to let go of contrived notions and just serve him.
I have needed to just be what he has all along told me he wants me to be.