Wednesday, November 2, 2011

playing vs. really taking the leap

I can sometimes get fixated on a particular question or idea and get myself worked up and convinced it's all falling apart, or never really was in the first place.  Recently I've circled back around to an issue that has come up a lot before: the idea that i need my husband to fit a role i recognize in order for me to know how to behave. In other words, that i need him to call himself my Dominant or my Master and then to act the way i think he should in that role in order for me to be able to submit to him.

There is a person (other than my husband) that  i talk to about D/s, ttwd, and relationships in general.  I contacted him a long time ago, when i first came to my husband and asked him to not let me say no any longer.  I had so many questions, and so much fear.  This person, this friend, doesn't make suggestions or give advice, and he has never requested i do anything, has never asked anything of me.  He has, however, very patiently answered my questions, discussed ideas and concepts, given counterpoint to my views, helped me learn to form better questions, and helped me to see my own answers.

So i recently brought up this issue - that sometimes I can't get past the feeling that my submission means nothing to my husband, that it isn't really submission - it's just me randomly doing stuff.

My friend was more blunt than usual in his response:
I think it is in those moments that you continue doing the things that matter to you even when you think he does not care that you are being your most submissive. I believe that if you can only feel your submission through his dominance or if you can only feel value in it when he forces it from you then you have not really submitted yet. You are playing a game of action and reaction, if you like me, I will like you back. If you love me, I will love you back. If you dominate me, I will submit. However it does not work this way...... you submit because it is who you are, because it makes you happy, because it full fills you and in doing so you make those around you happy as well. 

It is all about you when you decide to let go of expectation and give yourself to him and take joy in the way he enjoys that. That he does not, in your opinion, reciprocate in the way you want is the wrong kind of selfishness. It is attitude that says you must be as I want you instead of a attitude that says I serve because it makes me happy and I accept who you are as you do of me.

I needed to hear this.  

I have needed to let go of the image in my head.   

I have needed to recognize how self centered of me to want him to be what i think he should be rather than knowing i love and respect him already. 

I have needed to let go of contrived notions and just serve him.

I have needed to just be what he has all along told me he wants me to be.


  1. This is a beautiful post!!
    Your friend is very, very wise and so are you!

    I love, love this post!

    Thank you, greengirl

  2. Thought provoking. It's like many things in life...Is it important, is there value, does it mean anything at all, to do 'the right things', even when no one else will know but you? Sara

  3. Very wise advice. Thank you for sharing. I needed to read this.

  4. The advice given to you is great, in my opinion. You give your submission because it's what you need to do, and what makes you happy. Not as a reaction to your husbands behavior. Whoever your friend is...I really like his way of thinking. :)


  5. Recently you commented on my blog that what I write frequently cuts to the core for you...You do the same for me. Today's post is a case in point. I find it almost eerie sometimes.

  6. Dear Greengirl,

    You do posts like this and I have to come back and read them 3 times before I can begin to formulate my thoughts about what you've said.

    I keep thinking - are we talking about submission, or love???? i mean, love as a verb.

    It's a beautiful post. I love the way your friend thinks. And I've got more to say, but not now, not yet. I wish this comment were more coherent...

    Thank you.


  7. You have a wise friend, greengirl.

  8. Dannah,
    Thank you. It was something i was ready to hear - something i needed to hear.

    That is an interesting question - i know i would have answered that i believe we should still do the right things even if no one will know. Not sure why it was so hard to transfer that to this situation.

    Indeed, i know what you mean.

    It does feel like a need, at least it feels like a much more natural way for me. And it feels so much better to have let go and just go with it.

    I wonder if this is just the natural evolution, or if there is something about us, but you're right.

    That's a great thought - for me it is certainly love, but i don't have any experience outside of my own context. Maybe i am really taking something simple (love should be simple - right?) and making it too complex. Thank you for taking it a step further. I love that.

    I do indeed.

  9. Wow that's a very good point and I think I struggle with it. Then again in a lot of ways I don't see myself as being naturally submissive persay. I think a lot of it is sexual and desiring to be dominated.....more than actually wanting to be submissive.

  10. Very interesting and insightful post as usual. It sent me navel gazing.

  11. I have been reading your blog since I have submitted to my husband early this year. This very question has been on my mind, too. I have struggled with it for awhile with no clear resolution I could accept. When reading your post, it became crystal clear what it means to submit. Thank you for your post for it will make my journey into submission so much more meaningful and easier.

  12. Giggling Bunny,
    It is interesting to me that sometimes the sex seem entirely unrelated to the rest of our dynamic, and sometimes it seems central. For me - I do operate better as submissive - with him at least.

    Yea - i need to pull myself away from that particular view pretty often as well.

    I have benefited so much from what others have written, and from my friend's patience...I'm so glad to know i've passed even a little of that along. Best of luck on your journey.