his way/our way

We are what you would call extremely low protocol.  The rules and preferences he does have are now so long in place and so ingrained that they don't seem like anything more than just how we do things.  There are huge, vast expanses of areas of interaction that we have just never talked about how he wants it and he hasn't expressed an opinion.  Sometimes i fill in the blanks myself - otherwise known as making assumptions - about how he might or maybe should want things.

He has no rule, for example, about my touching him uninvited.  [Except his nipples - i may almost never touch those, i don't get it either]  Often he makes it clear that i need to keep my hands, mouth, etc to myself - but that is always situational.  Likewise, there is no rule about my not asking for sex, or hinting, or anything like that.   But - i do assume that if he wants it, he will take it, and that i shouldn't ask or initiate or hint or whatever because that is just not done, or is like me taking charge, or it would somehow force him to have sex against his will.... Plus - it just doesn't fit the image - the hard ass Dom keeping the sub at a distance, keeping me in my place.....

The other night he got home from a long trip, dead dog tired, spent a bit of time with the boys, then collapsed into bed.  I got home very late from a very long and overstimulating work day.  He was wiped out and i was hyped up.  I had been oh so very needy for days.   It felt soooo good to melt into him, to just be with him, but it wasn't making me less needy.  I assumed though that he would want to sleep, just sleep.  I assumed a lot of things actually - that i shouldn't ask, that i should try to guess what he wants, that i should follow his lead, that it wasn't my place.....

But i took a risk.  I took his hand and guided his fingers.  I was swollen and dripping.  He likes wet - that's something i never knew before: he really likes the feel, the sloppy sounds, smearing all over, (i think) the fact that he can humiliate me in that small way. He says juicy - for some reason that term does feel humiliating, dirty and wrong.  But he says it with something like glee, part evil and part joyful abandon.  It's all very un-Domly - he tells me how much he loves it, how good my cunt feels, how much he loves fucking me - sooo not aloof or cold or distant, not putting me in a lower place, not dignified or reserved, not sadistic or mean.  But i so love seeing him enjoy himself so well - i love that i can do that for him.

Wet won out over tired.  It's fuzzy - but i remember grasping his balls - the where that he would let me touch him this time, cumming so hard, him breathing good girl into my ear through what seemed like a never ending orgasm.  Then him taking.  That's another thing that i've learned, that seems un-Domly, that i assumed all wrong; he loves fucking me just after I've cum.  I don't know what it is - but he likes the feel, he likes my response, he likes the look on my face.   It means he makes me cum, before him quite often.  The opposite of orgasm denial and seemingly the opposite of it being all about him and me of no consequence.

Good things happen when i do it his way - when i don't make assumptions.

Things that I have thought about blogging - but then didn't

Saw the 50 shades movie cuz it was on TV - never did read the books - lil was right - they couldn't have found two more bland people with no heat between them whatsoever. I also wondered how i would have responded if i had never stumbled down this particular rabbit hole - mostly i wanted her to sit back, shut up, and enjoy - but also - why does it have to be out of a place of being damaged for him- why can't it just be one more right way to be?  And yes - if i didn't have the perspective I do - I would have been outraged and thought it was abuse.  Maybe something to think about.... perspective and assumptions, etc.

That hypothetical question.... the one about would you still stick around as his slave if what he wanted from you as his slave was to be very non-slavey, to run the household, work hard at your job, raise the kids, and carry on like any other married couple with too much to do and too little time, with misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguing, but no real kink, no accountability, no discipline and no submission.....  that question feels less hypothetical some days - and the answer is yes - i will and do stick around because it's what is needed and the big hard thing i agreed to as His (sub/slave/whatever) was to trust him and follow him.

My pain tolerance has really declined - maybe that's good; like getting buzzed on one beer makes you a cheap date - is there an advantage to being a lightweight for pain?  Or does that make it less satisfying for him?  Or easier for him?

I love worshipping his cock - in the bad old days i would offer blow jobs to get around having him touch me or look at me too closely - it took a long time for me to learn to really accept his hands and his eyes on me.  It dawned on me recently that i love worshipping his cock now - without any of the old motivations - it's purely a focus on him and his pleasure.

I do so love having him assert his ownership of me - physically, mentally,  in deeds and demands.  It is still hard to flip from the world to him on demand - if there were ever a course that I would consider taking if it were offered - it would be on how to move from 'regular life' mode to 'His' mode - or better yet - how to be in 'His' mode all the time and still function in all the ways.

After all this time - and it has been a good deal of time - communication is still the absolute most important thing - and the hardest.

She's doing it again.....

Jz that is....

Dust off your baking pans, because on Wednesday, December 9th 2015

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza returns!

Won't YOU please join us?

It's easy to play along. 

Just post a recipe that day for a holiday goodie -- any goodie. 

It doesn't have to be for cookies… or even be sweet.

We do not discriminate against any goodie.

(We are equal opportunity consumers around here.)

That's pretty much all there is to it.

The single catch is that there's only one way to get your name in the official list of participants: You have to contact me (Jz) by Monday, Dec. 7th with both your name and the address of your blog.  

shame or self-consciousness

I had never discussed any of our dynamic or our kinks with anyone irl who i didn't already know was involved in this lifestyle, and even that has been very, very few people.  

I obviously write about it freely enough - although not as explicitly or articulately as many people. And I chat with some people online, never in particularly explicit terms though.  

Even talking with my husband - I sometimes (most often actually) find it hard (actually, very hard) to say the explicit words, to ask for things in anything but euphemisms.    

I found myself talking recently with someone about our lifestyle/arrangement/dynamic/kinks.  This person is someone who it is appropriate to talk about these things with.   I was a little concerned about being censured or rebuked about it all, but I took the leap and i was reassured that wouldn't happen.  

I found it impossible to say any of the words out loud though - masochist, spanking, caning, pain, control, submission, dominance, marking, bondage, rituals, service....  I tripped over all of these and more - in fact, i really wasn't able to say much out loud at all.  I talked about us in such vague and general terms that i don't think i would have recognized us from my description.  

She asked if it were shame holding me back and making it difficult.  I immediately told her it was not shame - it felt like being self-conscious.  I don't believe i am ashamed of what we do and how we are - i know i don't believe any of it is wrong.  But what about it makes me self-conscious?  Why is it so hard for me to use the language?  Where does that feeling come from?  

who is serving whom?

I could write very long winded pieces about each part of this - but honestly i barely have time to sneeze these days.  We knew this phase would be coming - lots of travel, lots of obligations and activities, just lots of life - it was on the calendars...

So i will be short and sweet (maybe).

[Yes - i recognize that writing this is a somewhat backhanded way of bringing this up to him -  bringing things up to him though is the purpose of the blog - and maybe we will find 5 minutes sometime soon to have a long and deep heart to heart talk, in which case, this gives us somewhere to start]

One of his biggest goals when all this started was that i open up to him, that i learn to let him see me and to help me, that i learn to rely on him.  Let's just say i was not remotely open and i had no idea how to let another person see me, or help me,  much less to rely on someone else.

It was a hard and sometimes gut wrenching thing for me.  It still requires hard work, ironically enough.

I have never fully figured out how that all fit with my serving him.  Letting him help me - with advice and guidance in my personal and professional life, with encouragement, with the kids, or with doing the dishes and grocery shopping - it seemed backwards of what was 'supposed' to be.  It felt like it made me a princess rather than a slave.  I have to actively fight against this feeling.

But.... I think I've let it let me get lazy.  I do let him do things for me, for us.  I let him help me figure things out that i need to figure out.  I even take advantage of time to do things for myself or time to relax that is created because he has done parts of what needs doing.

Then i wonder if i've gone too far.  Am i taking advantage of him?  Does he feel put upon or overworked.  Do i feel like a princess to him?  If I have those thoughts, why don't i just shut up, get up, and do more?   What happened to active submission?  Service?

And why doesn't he just stop it, put me back in line and re-set things?  [See...burden on him... passive submission on my part... ugh!]

And maintenance??  The daily caning was good for me.  I dreaded it, but it was good for me - for my state of mind and for my connection to him, for my submission and thus for my service.  But it was work for him, a chore and something else in a long list of things that have to be done each day.  So it was him serving me.

Likewise whenever i am horny or just really craving whatever i'm craving.  Is he serving me or himself?  Taken to the ridiculous extreme - wouldn't it be better if i hated sex and all the aspects of BDSM - then I could be sure it would be serving him only and me not at all.  See - i can see the flaws in my thinking sometimes....

All of this sounds pretty superficial and petty.  In fact, we both have pretty weighty things going on.  He, like many fathers and husbands, takes on the weight of the world for his family willingly and gladly.  I do believe that his job is in fact easier if i am open to him and accepting of his help.  He has said that a big part of the beauty of this lifestyle for him is that he sometimes feels like I am the only part of his life that he can influence for the better and make a positive difference in, that there is so much he can't control and that to be able to have any control over a part he cares so much about makes his responsibilites feel easier.

from the files of OH HELL NO!

Lots of things leave me thinking there's no way in hell i could ever.... big, loud, harsh, over the top....easy to shrug off  cuz they will never happen.....

This one is quiet, simplisitic, minimalistic, and still so very FUCK NO!   But i can't seem to look away, or get the visual or my visceral response out of my head....

[Warning - you really can't un-see it]

not so hard...should maybe be harder...sometimes i just want it harder...

Ancilla_ksst wrote about something that is hard for her.  This particular thing would be very, very hard for me.  Impossible i think if i'm honest.  But that isn't the point.  It is hard for her, but clearly not impossible.  They have done the work, set the stage, built the trust and the submission/slavery, all the necessary things to get there.  What "it" is isn't the point here.

It's the hard that is the point.

There are times that many of the bits and pieces of real life are hard - exhausting, gut-wrenching, defeating, overwhelming, and more.  I couldn't take anything more on top of all that sometimes, and he wouldn't add more - and shouldn't for his own sake really - he's right here in all the hard parts with me, his focus needs to be where it needs to be as well.

But there is something about this dynamic that needs the hard also, however that looks for the individuals - pushing limits mentally, emotionally, physically, service, humiliation, pain, whatever it is....  always easy isn't always best.

I love pleasing him.  In some ways, the simple things are what he wants, what pleases him: coffee in the morning, good meals prepared, shaving on schedule, asking to get into bed,  all not hard, although sometimes easy to let slide and easy to forget the real purpose of.  But i don't have the wiring to thrive on just simple, quiet service. I suppose if he asked that of me, it would qualify as hard, it would push my limits, but i don't think that's what he wants, he certainly hasn't been molding me that direction - though i have learned not to assume anything....

So if I'm not a serving girl in the background, and stepford isn't at all what he wants, how do I please him?  And how do i make his life better, easier?

In my mind, I please him by doing things that are hard, by rising to the challenge when he pushes my limits.  By enduring.  By allowing him to explore his desires, his whims, his fantasies.  By being open to him mentally, emotionally and physically (less sexy, but most important to him and hardest for me).      

Of course, these have to be things he wants, whatever it is has to have meaning and value to him, it has to serve him or it doesn't meet my need to serve him.  I have had to learn to trust that he truly wants what he asks of me.  He isn't demonstrative about his desires.  I'm the puppy dancing around showing the world what i really want.  He is much more stoic all around.  That is part of the hard for me - the trust and the patience - the non-sexy, non-exciting part of the hard.

You can argue the right or wrong of my having needs - but the fact is - i need to have him ask hard things of me. I need him to push my limits and challenge me - control, pain, bondage, obediance, humiliation, surrender, service.... I need to be able to please him in those ways, to give myself in those ways.  It is what i have to offer, it is the value i can bring him.  But also, these are what light my nerve endings on fire, from my cunt outward. And they bind me to him, bend my knees to him, make my heart thrum for him.  

 

reconnecting

Which was exactly what this past weekend was.  Reconnecting might look different for us than it does for many people though - from both sides of the vanilla/not so vanilla world. But it was perfect for us.

It was 39 degrees and pouring most of the weekend, so the outside, tied to a tree naked and beaten thing didn't happen.  I think my husband decided that, even though he could do it and I would certainly obey, probably no one actually feels aroused when soaked, freezing, and miserable, including him.

We spent Saturday exploring the closest little town, had burgers at a local bar, talked and talked, got to ask and answer and explore each others ideas and wishes for our future, our priorities, our dreams.

Back at the  cabin/getaway we puttered around - with frequent breaks for him to bend me over his lap, over the sofa, just plain over. There was no wine, no flowers, no white tablecloths or fancy dinner, though there was some chocolate.   He got to make rules for me that aren't compatible with our usual life.  We got to try the whole - me serving, waiting, attending in nothing but a collar and heels (or in this case, wool socks). The smile that brought to his face was priceless.  He got access at his whim - no interference by all the usual day-to-day and other people and stuff.  

There was lying together on the sofa in front of the fire, just reveling in time together.  There was fucking on the rug in front of the fire (he liked the traction the wool rug provided, I got a whole new kind of pain to process).  There was hiking in the rain, there was having things shoved up my holes, including his fist, there was leisurely coffee and reading, there was beating and sub space and cumming, there was more lying together....

As the weekend was winding down, the clouds cleared, the wind died down, and it made it into the 50's.  I surprised him by lying naked on the porch bench, soaking up the sun. Not quite what he had wanted, and no mosquitos, but surrounded by trees and the pond, and a dragonfly did land on my boob and hang out at one point.  Finding me there that way brought a huge grin to his face and  I love being able to make him happy like that.  





 

little bit nervous

You know how people - ok, maybe not most people, not normal people, not the people you would talk to at work and stuff - but some people - scroll through tumbler and such and get ideas about things they might like to try someday?  *looking around, sincerely hoping this isn't just me*

Well - my husband does that some times - and one of the things that has always caught his attention has been women tied up outdoors.  I mean tied up nekkid and exposed and available for beatings or shenanigans or whatever, tied along a path in the woods waiting for someone to pass by, that kind of thing.

That's all well and good, solidly in the realm of daydreams and fantasy and no chance of reality cuz he's a little bit (very little bit) into exposing me - but nowhere in our day to day lives is there a place or an opportunity for that kind of exposure.

Until there is.

We will be going away, for just the weekend, a quick trip to a place that checks all the boxes: very remote, no one else around, no kids!, lots and lots of trees, probably some rope, and did i mention very remote.

Shit.

Now i'm nervous.

I'm not scared- i'm nature girl here, i like most of the creatures other girls don't, snakes, bats, lizards... not afraid of critters or bugs (except centipedes - really, really do NOT like those), i can pee in the woods no problem, i'm not squeamish. I am a little concerned that it's hunting season and i don't picture him tying me to a tree nekkid and letting me keep the sexy blaze orange vest.

It's more that i'm worried i won't find the sexy in it, that my head will be stuck in the temperature, the mosquitoes, the poison ivy, the remote chance of someone else wandering by, the hunters... which isn't at all where i think he will want my head to be (maybe the remote chance of someone wandering by, but not the other stuff).

He's almost always able to get me to get my head where he wants it, so we'll see.


And there is this....

I've been thinking about why i only seem to post once every two weeks or so recently.  It's not that our dynamic is in trouble and dying a slow death.  Nor is it that we are blissfully happy and riding off into the sunset.

A lot of the usual things apply - we are busy, life is going a zillion miles an hour, far less time together alone....my mental and emotional energy are going elsewhere, by the time i sit down to write, my brain just shuts down.

I think the biggest thing is that we are discovering that we need to talk directly with each other more than ever.  Life has been putting up challenges and knocking us both back on our heels.  We are learning that the only way we can stay stable is by not hiding from each other - in different ways, but both of us are needing to open up even more.  By the time i start to write, it's already been thought out and said.

It is harder for me to be all that he wants when i'm ovewhelmed and very much harder to accept his suggestions (orders) with any grace when i'm stressed, but i'm really trying.  It's also harder for him to attend to all the details when he's overwhelmed and harder for him to not shut down when he's really stressed, but he is working at it also.  And it is like it has always been, when we can make our dynamic work better, everything else flows better also.  

We are still here.  Still not getting everything perfectly right, each of us falling down sometimes.  But also finding the sweet spot sometimes too.  

strange train of thought...

I read something a Domme wrote recently about her very difficult childhood and how her mother expectd her to fall in line and do what people told her to, etc., and how that was clearly so unlikely to happen.  The implication was that she has a dominant personality, is dominant (??), and this played a big part in her resiliance growing up.

This writer doesn't know me, doesn't know of me even - so couldn't possibly have been referring to me, of course.  But i heard it as an indictment anyhow.  The implication that came through for me was that submissiveness and submission are weak and undesireable and, by definition not strong and not acceptable ways to survive.

I guess i partly agree - i don't think that going along to get along is always a great strategy and i think it has to eat away at one's self respect and inner strength to kowtow all the time.  I survived my childhood (also not exactly rainbows and unicorns) not through dominance or rebelling but certainly with resiliance and strength and i guess independence.

I would love to discuss with D-types how they honestly feel about s-types sometime - a discussion beyond how they meet their sexual or relationship needs, beyond "i admire the strength it takes to submit," beyond yin-yang.

Because i honestly wonder how you hold in your mind both the unshakeable belief that you are better than she (he) is at all the things/so many of the things and also that she or he is not less than you in some way.  Or - conversely, and more to the point for me- how does one hold in mind both a belief that the other person deserves to lead/should be deferred to and also a belief in her or his (my) own self worth, value, competence,  etc...

By the nature of it, by definition, or by assumption dominance/dominant is higher, in charge, stronger, righter, more capable, pretty much most of the positive superlatives.   You would expect someone who was all that to have some disdain, or at least pity for the people who are lower, weaker, not so right, less capable, etc, etc...

Whether a domineering ass or with refined gentility, or somewhere in between, a D has to have confidence, a certain amount of arrogance; has to believe he or she is right, capable, and deserves to take charge.  I prefer my confidence with a certain amount of humility - but the fact is, by the naure of being D, they believe they ought to lead.

Us s-types, in at least one primary relationship in our lives - believe we shouldn't lead, that the other person is more something than us.   We look up to our D.  We look up to them, we respect them, we admire - even adore them.  We rely on them, often even for things we could absolutely handle ourselves, we defer to them, we submit to them (duh!)   What is there in all that for them to respect, admire, or even desire?

I couldn't explain how it all really works (and for us it really does) to anyone else.  I'm not sure my husband could answer these questions.  But the contradiction is there - at least for those like my husband who doesn't believe i am less than - and wants me to know that also - but does believe he is who and where he belongs in our dynamic, and that i am also.

I've always wondered...

What happens when M/s has to take a back seat?  When it just does because that is the way you (both He and me) have prioritized things -

I've always figured that it took a certain amount of resources to make M/s really feasible - not money resources, but time for sure, and the possibility of privacy - and also just enough spare mental energy on each side to put into the dynamic and do the work it needs - and i firmly believe it takes work on both sides.  I recognized that we had that - not a ton - but we had pockets of time, some privacy.  And we had the spare mental energy and emotional reserves.  We could do the work, risk the lows, weather the hard parts.  And it fed itself: the work and the risk made things better which led to more mental energy and emotioanl reserves.

Anyhow - those resources have all been reallocated for now.  They have to be - his choice - but also mine.  It is what is right.  But i have to figure out how to be with this.  How to be what he wants, what works, to be strong and still submissive, to be hopeful and not resentful, to hold onto the intimacy without the same connection, to keep it alive when we can't really feed it enough.

it's complicated

A friend, to me:  I need to tell you this because i care about you, because i care about your kids...
    I believe it's all your fault.
    I see you together and you don't do it right (parenting, interacting, being with each other).
    He wouldn't be having the troubles he is now if you had done it right all along.
    It's not physiology, it's not chemistry, there's nothing wrong with him at all.
    It's you, you did this to him.
 

Lots and lots and lots of words to that effect

My husband, to me: she's angry, she's bitter, she can't manage to keep her own life together and it's so much easier to lash out at someone else than to face that


But if she's not wrong.....

Months of recovering from the shock and the trauma, months of working towards understanding and healing and learning how to move forward.... Our understanding of mental illness and mental health... My small flicker of hope closely guarded and tended, but growing...   All destroyed utterly in a few short sentences.


I've been - what - since then - empty, raging at myself, consumed by guilt, hollow, worthless, ashamed, paranoid, unsure

I can't reason through this
What if she is right?
What if I'm one of those people who completely mis-reads everything?  What if I really am that awful?
I can't ignore that possibility if there's a chance i am keeping him from getting healthy

My husband, to me:  why will you not believe me when i tell you she's wrong?  why do you not believe me, why will you not give more weight to what i believe, I've been here, she hasn't, she sees glimpses, i live it, am part of it.  Why do you let her have that power over you?

Why indeed.

Why am i not strong enough to trust him in this, why can't i follow him, or even let him help me.

Honestly, he should have a slave who is good and worthy and who can obey.  That's not really me right now.

I wish

I wish i had the answers when it comes to raising my kids - or at least some insight as to whether i'm on the right track or not.

I wish i could always be the motivated, active, healthy, strong, fit, busy, accomplishing-things person in real life that i am in my head.

I wish the internal workings and functioning of my mind didn't depend so much on his input to keep humming along smoothly.

I wish we had more time for his input, or he had more energy, or bandwidth, or opportunity, or desire, or inclination, or whatever it is that there isn't as much of now.

I wish i didn't miss it so much.

I  kind of wish i didn't know what i was missing.

I wish i didn't wish for things, I wish i could be content with what is.

quick trip

My sons' schedules have lined up this summer pretty much perfectly to insure that there is almost always one of them around the house.

It was my older son's turn to cook dinner last night (yes - my sons cook, yes it is wonderful for so many reasons).  When he got home from work, he decided he wanted to do a bit more than what he had originally planned.  And the younger son wanted to get a few more things for his turn today.  So - quick trip to the grocery store for both of them, together!

I asked my husband very nicely if he could please beat me.  He gracioulsy obliged.  It was short, and fast, only the crop and the very thin cane - oh and his teeth.  A really quick trip to subspace - he knows just how to do that. He also gracioulsy allowed me to come, hard.  A few quick minutes of lying together remembering how much we like and need this. Then the car pulling into the driveway.

the un-sexy side of M/s

Keeping M/s in the bedroom would never really have worked for us - i think we both realized that a long time ago.

It would be fun to have a relationship that was only about sex and intimacy and the play of power with all that.  I think that (very, very hypothetically speaking) I could easily compartmentalize a relationship that involved play and pain and sex and fun neurotransmitters, completely apart from house and kids and jobs and pets and yardwork and family and politics and, and, and.....  That play/sex relationship could be incredible - no distractions, nothing to bring it down, nothing but the fun.  Since it's hypothetical - neither or us would ever be stressed, or under the weather, or unavailable either.  ....oh, wouldn't it be loverly...?

I'm not, in fact, interested in engaging in any sexy fun, or intimacy of any kind, with anyone but my husband/Master - and neither is he (with anyone but me).  That means that there is no real compartmentalizing - we each get the whole package, warts and all - ups and downs, fun and frustrations, our whole selves, all the time.  Of course - it's the fact that we bring all of ourselves and our years together that allows us to be who we are with each other; the knowing and the trust are just so much more than they could possibly be with anyone else.  That hypothetical, sexy fun would be so much more superficial and limited than with Him - it just wouldn't be the same.

Being His - really His - means serving too.  I don't really mean keeping house, cooking, cleaning... Honestly - i did all that before and i would need to do it no matter what.  Our division of labor (yes - there is a division of labor, he does a lot for me/us) looks like it always did and like a million other married/working families.  I try to do nice things for him - i do think i could do more, something to work on for sure.  And he does nice things for me -  i don't think that will ever change, not outside of a scene or particular circumstance he sets up.

Serving means putting my ego and my wants aside to put his ahead.  I've always thought that concept didn't fit for me.   I would read people write about, "I live to make Him/Her happy, I just want to please Him/Her..."    I've wondered if slave/submissive really fit for me - i do not always and in every case have his wishes/desires/happiness as my first impulse.  My own ego asserts itself pretty strongly and i often struggle with feeling hurt, deprived, put-out, whatever.  I do like to be able to please him, and i love him - i love it when he's happy, content, satisfied, enjoying himself, at peace, feeling good...

When doing what i can to help bring about his happiness and good feelings, wellbeing, etc., conflict with my wants and desires, i have to work to make that choice and to act on it.  And i don't always succeed.  It is especially hard when what he needs is room and freedom to see to the things he needs to take care of, when i can't materially help him, i can only back up and let him do what he must.  The un-sexy, serving part of it is waiting patiently for his attention and time, relieving what burden I can, not being more of one.

It is full of paradoxes, this lifestyle: i am both more self-less (though hardly where i would want to be) and more greedy than ever before; and wants both of those from me, plays them both and enjoys them (putting words in his mouth - i believe he does in any case).

24/7

Vacation was great - incredibly scenic, physically challenging, adventurous, unique, and long enough that, as great as it was, and it was, we were ready to come home when it was time.  There was time for relaxation, time for introspection (even the teen boys), time for adrenalin (especially the teen boys but also the grown up one), and lots and lots of time together.  (Re-entry has been a bit harsh - we're all sleep deprived and completely off schedule, but that will fix itself.)

We were together as a family 24/7.  We are, of course, always a family, always 24/7 - just not always so together so closely.  And it was good.  As the boys get older, they really have grown and matured, the whole dynamic between them and among all of us changes - sometimes and is some ways really nicely.

We are each - He and I - parents 24/7.  These two are our first time being parents (obviously, but i sometimes forget this is true and important past the toddler stage).  Each new phase still comes with a brand new learning curve.  This still takes energy - less physically these days, but more mentally and emotionally than ever.

We are our respective professions also.  We both try hard not to be that 24/7, but neither of our jobs is just 9 - 5 either.

We are husband and wife 24/7.  That alone covers a lot of territory - parenting, but also running a household, planning for and doing all the things now, planning and doing for our future, enjoying each other's company, adapting to life and each other as things flow along, being intimate, being concerned, taking care of each other, being annoyed or even angry sometimes, being joyful with each other.

He owns me and I am His 24/7 also.  And just as parenting is a near constant learning curve, and what it entails to be husband and wife evolves and flows and adapts, this looks and feels different day to day and over the longer arcs of time.  Somehow though, I seem to expect this part of us to be more predictable and static.  I assume it will look and feel the same all the time, to work the same way all the time.  When i reach out for it, I look for it in the same forms and manners all the time.  I behave and react as if it is always the same.

Not recognizing and growing with the M/s aspects of us is about as effective as it would be to still relate to each other as husband and wife as we did when we were first learning each other, or to parent now as if my boys were still toddlers.

vacation and kids

We are leaving this week for vacation.  We will be gone over two weeks - we've never taken such a long vacation before.  In looking at the next few years, it became apparent that this summer is the last summer we could do this.  College is right around the corner, and their need to really work more and save money for college are here.  So we are going all out and we will have over two weeks as a family, together.  With adventures.

Which isn't at all kinky - and won't be - we will be 24/7 with the boys; this is an active, outside, i'm a little concerned i won't be able to keep up, taking my boots not my heels or cute little sandals, kind of trip.

But it impacts us - our kink, our dynamic, our Dominance and submission.  Because our kids and our family are part of us.  

I assume - actually - i think it goes without saying - that people love their children, care for them, do whatever they have to for them.  It follows that a D/s or M/s dynamic has to accommodate children if children are part of the family.  Kids are stubbornly and fiercely their own people - more deeply and consequentially and less cute and adorably as they grow up.  And as the mom and dad they often impact or determine what we do, when, and how, and most of all - they have a big impact on our emotional state.  

Here in our household, in our dynamic, he doesn't play hard if he isn't in the right frame of mind.  He will use me to let off steam, amuse himself, take his mind off other stressors, help him fall asleep, for the fun of it, to satisfy an itch, or just because......  But he won't take out real frustrations on me and he won't use me hard if he doesn't feel like his own head is in the right place.  In fact, he won't engage in controlling me, even non-physically, if he feels he isn't resolved with his own emotions.  It doesn't happen often, but outside concerns do sometimes occupy his mind. The thing that has the most power to agitate him to that degree is our kids.  

Likewise, he won't push me if my head clearly isn't in the right place.  I don't mean just not quite feeling it or i'm in the middle of my book and would rather wait a bit (ha! because that might just go down well)....  He re-aligns me if i'm distracted or pushing back, or he feels i ought to be able to get my head in the game.  But if i'm really tied up in knots emotionally, he tries, because, often, being re-aligned, even somewhat harshly, is good for me in the end.  But sometimes even the beating doesn't really reach me.  He'll thank me for giving myself and my body to him, but he chooses to stop, to hold me, to let me cry, to talk.... And yes - the thing that has the most power to upset me to that degree is our kids.  

It's been a hard year kids wise.  I don't think a vacation will erase anything, or make the future any easier - the stresses they face at this point in their lives are actually kind of incredible.  I am hoping that the change in scenery, the escape from the "have-to's" here, and the fun and the physical of it will refresh and renew all of us.

blurred lines

No - not the song!

I wax and wane on this one (like most things) and it is something i think about more or less at times, but not something that really causes angst. My husband is sure of himself on this one though, and in the end (like so many other things) it's quite likely a very good thing that he is less mercurial than I am.

I think about meeting other kinky people, for just talking or for learning or maybe even for playing.   It's why i joined fet - to see if there is a kinky community nearby - turns out there is.  They have meetings and seminars and weekends and camping and playspaces and things to learn....  I seriously toyed with the idea of signing up for a seminar in fireplay - and surprising him - he is very intrigued by fireplay - but would not be happy about that kind of surprise.

I'm not sure why i want to seek a community based on our lifestyle.  We each have groups and activities we participate in based on our interests - not avidly - but there are benefits to meeting up with other people with shared interests - of course - this is our sex life and the structure of our marriage, not gardening or biking or biomechanics or football.

I pretty easily get lulled into a mindset that it's all perfectly normal, accepted and mainstream. It maybe ought to be (at least not abnormal and certainly accepted, maybe not mainstream).  But, the fact is that it isn't and i tend to ignore the reality that many people would find it disgusting, perverted, immoral and perhaps criminal.  And i conveniently forget what a small town this really is.

A few little things reminded me - a person i see pop up in my (local) friends' feeds on facebook now and then uses his same profile picture on fet - he has a very distinctive look, it's definitely the same person. And - my son was planning to go see the midnight Rocky Horror Picture Show with his friends at the local theater, so was a local kink group.

The lines in reality are blurred.  In my head they are sometimes non-existant.  And maybe the lines shouldn't be there at all because there really is nothing actually wrong with us, and maybe our sex-life should stay in our bedroom like most peoples' do....

magic

He's awfully good at getting me where he wants me.

And - as much as he enjoys my pain and my struggle - sometimes he enjoys my pleasure as well.

That's not quite accurate - he almost always enjoys my pleasure, seldom does he deny me and most often he ultimately takes me there and drinks it all in.  It's just that - quite often his path there leads through my pain and struggle.

But sometimes there's magic involved.  Turns out ginger is magic.

He'd never tried figging before, which is a little surprising since i cook a lot with ginger and there's almost always a hand around.

I waited in his favorite position for a long time while he futzed around downstairs.  I'm getting better at centering my thoughts on him in those moments, though i can't banish all the noise, usually the noise is focused on him now.

He came back up with stuff, but i couldn't see - part of what he likes about this position i assume.

He was making small little noises that didn't really make sense, then i caught the smell - no way to hide that.

Floods of thought then - i've always been curious, but i've read that it's awful, but i've read that it's great, what if it's truly unbearable, what if i can't take it and it doesn't stop when the plug comes out, what if he forces me to just endure it no matter how bad it is, and damn doesn't that make me just melt, is this a punishment, no - he would do this all differently if it were, he's just experimenting on me, is he going to also flog or cane me with it in, won't that make it so much worse, i should be afraid, but really i am just sinking into submissive and good gods, oh so aroused.... all the while he's very slowly peeling and carving behind me....

Then it was ready and he pushed it in - it wasn't too large, but the tingle was immediate, which led to clenching which of course intensified the tingle that was quickly heading towards burning.  I was still head down/ass up but starting to pant and really wanting to squirm and change position. The sensation really does just ramp up all by itself.  He just stepped back and watched.  The pain, but also the struggle to stay in place and the humiliation of what he'd done and how i must appear - i was very, very quickly off into a screaming need to be touched, to be pushed around, to be mauled,  to be fucked.  My attention jumped from the overload of sensation in my ass to the very palpable lack of sensation in my tits and the achingly empty feeling of my pussy.

His fingers were covered in the juice - i hadn't considered that.  Eventually he grabbed my tits, twisting and pinching, more pain - and i was off and flying - but still achingly empty.  When his fingers found my clit though - the juice, the burn there now too, he spread it around so everything was lit up

I don't know if he took the plug out first or not - but when he slid into my cunt from behind - that was the sensation, the feeling of him filling me that every piece of me had been screaming for.

equality

Bleuame (blog private - so i'm putting the article link here ) had posted a link to one woman's take on the "mommy bonus" concept.  I talked to my husband about it - actually - i brought it up on a longish car ride (great time for long, random discussions that we don't always have the luxury of time for). The boys were with us (they are 16 and 18 yrs old), so they had some interesting input and perspective also - i think it's fascinating to see how mature some of their ideas on things are, but with room for the color of actual life experience.

My husband had, coincidentally,  read this NY Times article about the same thing.  This one is longer, and not at all a defense of the mommy-bonus thing.  It is, as stated explicitly in the article, a view of a very, very specific subset of SAHM's, a subset i wouldn't qualify for if i wanted to.

For background - i do work.  I don't have nearly the income my husband does - my occupation is not a lucrative one, but has value for the people i serve.  My husband insists that i work, for a number of reasons, including that value.  We made and continue to re-evaluate the decision for me to work, and the specifics and implicationbs of what that entails, very carefully and intentionally.

For further information: i struggle with the stay at home vs. work outside the home as much as anyone.  I think the 'mommy wars' is unbelievably destructive and also stupid.  I do feel the censure and disapproval from many directions for my (our) choice, so this should not be construed as a criticism of stay-at-home-mothering!!!  IT IS NOT.

There are so very many words in my head about this whole mommy bonus thing, and even more words about the NYT's article - the gender segregation, the pitting of one group against the other (husbands vs. wives) and the resultant power differential....  but, in the end, i have boiled it down to a completely self-evident and too obvious conclusion - --

--- the only way i can genuinely give him power over me is if each of us wholeheartedly believes we are equal to begin with.  

I know - duh!  But whether it's some tiny micro-culture that dictates the inequality, or religion, or a much larger society, or just that the guy you are with is a misogynist and you buy it also - i don't think that allows for a full exchange of power.

maybe: a not very D/s and somewhat touchy subject.....

But i don't have another blog - so this goes here.

I was raised Catholic and moved away from that to a more liberal, inclusive flavor of Christianity.  But, as i see it (feel deeply in my bones,) Christianity in the US has been hijacked by groups who are the very antithesis of Christian.  It is becoming very difficult for me to willingly accept the name, which should be causing me great concern and angst...crisis of faith and all that.

Except - it isn't - i worry that i ought to be feeling some crisis, but i actually feel kind of more at peace.

I find myself feeling more sure of what i think is right and wrong, what i feel i personally should and should not do for myself, my family, others, the world...and I'm sure much of this -  my conscience i suppose - is rooted in my upbringing - because i do feel that i am obliged in many ways to serve others - not out of guilt, but just because it's what is right.  I also feel more sure that religious institutions offer some good ways to serve others, but for me, a poor way to worship or find faith.

At the same time - maybe related, maybe unrelated - I feel myself changing.  And i have such a hard time explaining it - it feels like my soul changing maybe.

It's springtime and i do plants - but this year the pull to plant and tend and grow has been especially strong, and oddly specific.  Some things in our circumstances have changed and we now have access to a fairly wild piece of land and i am feeling something waking up inside of me in response to it.  I am just waiting though, waiting to see where the feelings and pulls and nudges lead me.

Maybe i'm sliding into crazy.  Maybe as i get older, the crazy is just freer to come out.  Maybe it's just a need to unplug - there's plenty in my daily life that is way too plugged in.   Maybe my soul has just reached a limit of being disconnected from what it really needs.


Like i said - not D/s - maybe crazy - but what's in my head a lot recently.....

marked

A small, discrete and meaningful tatoo would be sexy.

Peirced nipples would be sexy - and require a certain amount of hiding from the rest of the world so they would remind me of being his even while i present a different face to the world.

Even a cut in mark (I scar like no one's business) would be sexy and kinda cool as long as no one else could see it....


But the matching patches of discolored, dried-out rawhide i now have instead of normal skin in the middle of each ass cheek are not at all sexy, attractve, or nice; though, he does keep reminding me that my opinion on this doesn't really matter at all.

on my mind

He often asks me what I'm thinking about.  Yesterday was a particularly all -over-the-board kind of day.  I'm missing probably 90% of it - but this is the remains that was still swirling in my head as i tried to fall asleep last night.

Is my mom going to continue to be able to live on her own and be safe and enjoy her retirement and freedom?

I got a profile on fetlife and poked around out of curiosity - mostly I realized I'm old - am I too old to be kinky?  Will I be soon?

Are the engines in ATV's fairly simple - simple enough that we could do basic maintenance, or are they more complex?

How would i change the dish i made for dinner last night - it was ok - but could be better.

Since we've gone far past the mini-van stage, does it make sense to trade that in for a different car - with all the other changes coming at us?

What about what comes next - two more years till both boys are off to college (all fingers crossed) - what does that mean for us - what should we be doing, what can we do to prepare?

Can we really kinkify our home at all - in any way?  How will things in our daily lives change - or will they?  Will it still be something that waxes and wanes with the demands of everything else? Am I just too old?

Why in the hell is it 87 degrees in early May - it doesn't get that warm in August here where i live?

What's up with the dog?  He's not old enough to be slowing down like this, is he?  Wonder how old he really is?  Should i take him in to the vet?  Is it just the heat?

Can we really impact climate change - or is it much too late?

I should move the roses there, and the rudibeckia there, and pull out the pachysandra, and finish the kitchen garden here......

What does my son's future look like?  Is he really doing what he needs to be doing?  What about the other one - is he alright or not?

Need to remember to hang out the laundry tomorrow morning before I go to work.

Work - oh crap - there's so much going on and so much i need to do I can't even let myself think about that tonight.

Why does he forbid me to touch his nipples?  And why do i always feel compelled to try anyhow?

If we do get a different car - it should be a stick so the boys can learn to drive a stick.  Plus - I miss that.

Getting divorced sucks.  I wish I could help in any way.  I don't know what either of them needs.  That loss of intimacy - physical, emotional, all around - must be devastating, i just can't imagine.  Although - maybe that intimacy hasn't been there in any case....

I should have bet something fun on the basketball game tonight.  (I don't care a bit about basketball, but we happened to root for different teams this time)   Abby has fun with it - i should think about that.

Why do i sometimes crave really harsh treatment and subjugation so badly, and other times i really want to turn the tables and be able decide what i want and when and how.

How do we get more involved and engaged in our community as our time frees up a bit in the next few years.

Isn't it possible to build a bed that doesn't squeak in any direction?

All the small and subtle signs of aging in our parents over this past weekend - what does the research say about successful aging - physically, but mostly mentally.  What do we need to be doing differently?

Since there was cock-worshipping going on tonight - will he still want me to be available tomorrow morning?  Or should i plan to go to work early?

Can I get away with not shaving - no - i suppose he does expect me to shave either way....

Since I'm in one of those 'want it - but not really sure i'm metally prepared for it' frames of mind - maybe it really is better that it's up to him after all.

Could i get into the right frame of mind?  Maybe a good beating would help with ALL THIS NOISE IN MY HEAD

not just about sex

A little slow to respond?  A little huffy and smart-mouthed?  Having a little trouble sliding back into, "He's home so I'm not in charge anymore?"  

Being dragged by my hair up off the sofa to where he wants me, shoved against the wall with his hand on my throat, substantial pressure bringing on more than an edge of fear, breasts mauled painfully and body used roughly.....

That works.

Makes me soft and makes me His.

How completely screwed up is that?

soft

Mouse describes it sooooo nicely - and makes it sound soooo lovely

I want that feeling, want it back that is.

He wants me that way.  And who wouldn't?

He really likes it when i'm softer, pliable, contented, attentive, warm, quiet, agreeable, needy in a good way.  I'm much nicer to be around when i'm focused on him, looking for ways to please him, when i really want him, am completely open and actively trying to seduce him.

I like me and i love us when i have all soft edges and, whether literally or figuratively, am bowed and small and all tucked up in him.

I especially love (and so does he of course) when that feeling, that flow between us, can be sustained over time and carries us through our days and nights.  When it's there and solid, I can go off into the world and do the things i need to do with confidence and competence, i can focus on the difficult things at home and outside of our home, i can make clearer and more reasoned and compassionate decisions, i am in the zone and on top of my game.

Right now that feeling, that flow is gone.  I'm edgy and hard and busy and stressed and kind of unpleasant.  My skin is jumpy and my attention is in overdrive.  There are reasons.  We are both finding our way out of the hard places.  This is bigger than just "snap out of it."

This is the heart of active submission for me: not the little extras i can do for him to please him when things are good, but working and fighting to open myself to him.  He can be strict or demanding or lenient or loving, he can cuddle me or beat me or give me orgasms galore, but none of it will impact me unless i can find a way to let it.

why - sometimes

Why do i sometimes handle things so differently?  A few days ago, 4 months worth of accumulated caning left me with serious welts and bruises afterwards, but i was off flying and loving it from almost the first stroke.  Yesterday i couldn't manage two days worth - i was crying and fighting and tense and ended up angry more than anything else.

And why do my desires not match my responses?  Recently, inside my head i want to surrender more, to have greater expectations, a tighter leash, more discipline.  It's a craving i can feel in my skin.  In reality i am less and less submissive in actions and demeanor. His requests just make me jumpy and prickly.  I'm off more and more just unto myself, managing on my own.    

I don't like it when this becomes something larger and more and more powerful - but only in my head - as the reality becomes weaker and further away and it is all very much less real.  Why does it do that sometimes?

little things that are really big

On what he finds attractive in a woman:
At a formal-ish shin-dig he pointed out a woman - she was tall, statuesque, of a certain age, not particularly fit, not a classic beauty, she was wearing a bright orange dress, fairly clingy, cut up to here and down to there.... but she exuded confidence, not arrogance or obnoxiousness, she was just clearly very comfortable in her own skin.  That is what i find attractive in a woman - that kind of confidence.


On my being one more responsibility, one more thing in his life he has to take care of:
Especially when things are not so great with our son, who has to fight his own battles at this point in his life, and his job where he has way more responsibility than he does power, and life in general where no one really has actual control of much beyond themselves.... I need to have one person, one thing that i can help, who listens and lets me take care of, where i have some control of how things go.

RNBA-PD

(part deux)

This took longer than I expected - I rarely get sick but something knocked me on my ass this past week - today i can breathe again - it's amazing how that can feel....  

So - sofia's and nilla's answers.....  Thank you both.  These made me look at some things about myself.

Sofia's
1. What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you involving TTWD? 
I can't think of one big thing - but we are very comfortable with each other - so we laugh at the small stuff instead of pretending it doesn't happen:  we have one clip/carabiner that magically, randomly undoes itself so my had or foot finds itself suddenly free; the butt plug that wasn't where he left it when we finished; the kids pulling in the driveway as we are both just about THERE; one of the boys asking, "what was that clapping sound coming from your room last night?"

2.  Who is your role model or hero?  (In the lifestyle or not.)  So - this is not meant as a cop out - but i really don't find myself looking at one person as a role model.  IRL i tend to see people do things or approach things in ways that i admire and i try to incorporate that, if i really believe it is a better way of doing whatever it is - from parenting to my job to just life stuff.  I did spend a good bit of time looking for role models or at least any kind of models for the lifestyle.  But i don't find other models of people who are exactly like us - which is the reason i don't look for overall role models irl - so it dawned on me that it's not a good approach for me in this lifestyle either.  I've consciously tried instead to move to taking the approaches or attitudes and small pieces i admire and think would be useful for me, and trying to apply those.

3.  What’s your favorite kink activity?  Whatever he wants!  That's the right answer, right?  I miss the caning every day.  But i kind of hope i haven't discovered my favorite yet - not because i don't love all the things so far - but because i still love trying new things, and there is so much more out there that intrigues me, in a slightly fearful, but very tingly way.

4.  If you were granted one personal wish, what would it be? To be able to really, really know what my kids need from me.

5.  What is your greatest strength – the quality you value most about yourself?  Sofia - you ask really tough questions.  They look so innocent - but wow....  Problems solving i guess - the ability to look at the whole picture and see possible solutions - in all kinds of contexts.  I'm not creative in the usual sense, but in seeing solutions to problems i can be.

6.  If you could give one thing to your Dom/Master (or to your slave, if you’re the Dom) what would it be?  Some peace of mind - from my POV, he takes on so much responsibility.  He says that is what he needs to do, who he needs to be.  Others have explained to me that this is how some people thrive best.  It is hard for me to see though.  I need to be doing, moving, working.  I'm not lazy.  But the weight of all the stuff - it would weigh on me.  My urge is to want to relieve that from him.

7.  What’s the most important thing to you about TTWD?  The way it binds us and makes Us stronger.

Nilla's

1. How did you get into reading, then writing, erotica?  HA!  I read - I don't/can't write erotica.  I fell into reading erotica late in life.  The standard bodice rippers never did a thing for me.  When i discovered that people do all these crazy things, that turn me on like never before, i discovered them because people also write about them, and publish them, right there on the internet for naive souls like me to discover!  Talk about life changing.  So thank you to all you writers - you front and center among them nilla - thank you.

2. What do you get out of blogging?  Connections with people, ideas, perspectives, challenges to my perspectives, friends, clarity of thought, more questions, a way to communicate to my husband...

3. What are your favorite things to do/to be done to you by your partner?  I love whatever it is in the moment that gives him that look - the look of being lost on the edge of his own rabbit hole, of his desire and his need, not sexual so much as the sadistic and hungry and all about him.

4. If you had the choice to live 24/7 D/s dynamic (assuming one isn’t at this point)…would you? Do you feel it’s a realistic way to live in this day and age?  We do.  But i don't believe 24/7 necessarily looks like what people think it looks like, or at least what it looks like on the internet.  It is good for us - and i'm at peace with the fact that it looks more like real life than a work of fantasy - though i would love more of the fantasy version - but, that's life.

5. What scares you about D/s?  What happens if we stop - for whatever reason, how do we go back, what do we do with the feelings, the needs we've allowed ourselves to cultivate?

6. Multiple partners and experiences in a scene–is this a fantasy or something too scary to contemplate–and why?  Definitely a fantasy - a strong one.  Bottoming - in the purely sexual sense of it - is all about experiencing: the sensations, the emotions, the edge of fear, the loss of control over what will be done and what impact it will have.  Having more than one person at a time doing that to me, and by definition someone i don't know and can't read or predict at all, just compounds that.  This one is likely a safe and effective fantasy precisely because i know it is only a fantasy.  

7. If you could fuck anyone, who would it be? (bonus—would you be the Top or the bottom of the scene?)   Easy part first -- definitely the bottom.  I've heard the argument that it is the natural growth and maturation to go from bottoming to topping.  I've no desire to top - so either i'm stunted and immature, or the argument is wrong - i choose to believe the latter.

Harder part - mostly because my husband does read here and i've never asked him how he feels about it at all.....  There is no specific person/celebrity/character in my fantasies - ever.  But there has been, since i fell down this particular rabbit hole, a nebulous, all knowing, "him."  It's a grass-is-greener thing: we both have been and are learning this whole thing together; at times, i've built fantasies around a person who already knows all about kink, and all about D/s, and all about himself, and all about me.  So that i wouldn't have to do the work of processing and discussing and learning; i could just sit back and enjoy the ride.  It goes along with the fantasy of having infinite privacy, and all the time in the world.  I know damn well that we not only have to do the work, but that the work is why we can be what and who we are.  I know this.  And i'm grateful we have and do.  But sometimes the fantasy of no interruptions, forever and a day available, and a top who is expert with every imaginable toy, knows every trick in the book, and can play me perfectly - - - well, that's why they're called fantasies.

RNBA

And the 7 questions

1)  You win £5,000 what do you spend it on, nothing boring like bills etc...for yourself, both, home etc?

So - that's about $7400. Totally free money?   And all my bills are paid (including kids' college)....?   I think i would hire a personal shopper and revamp my wardrobe.  I have no skill whatsoever in clothes, style, fashion.... And i am not exactly a runway model size, and i have impossible proportions.  It would be like a gift for both of us actually - i hate packing for trips, dawdle in the mornings and get cranky when we go out somewhere nice - all because i have to choose clothes.


2)  Your significant other, gives you the option of doing something kink wise, for one night, your choice, whatever you like, free reign..what you going to do?

As little time and privacy as we've had lately, i should say that anything at all would be lovely.  But - those constraints will end eventually and this is a fantasy anyhow.  I think i would like to go to a public event.  I think i would love to see other people interacting, not even just playing, but simply interacting.  Since it's a fantasy, maybe i would lose my self-consciousness and join in.


3)  Breakfast in bed, chilling together or a night out at your favourite restaurant?

You can all snicker, but one of the best parts of our honeymoon was breakfasts.  It was a tiny little room with a tiny balcony in a tiny little  hotel overlooking the port city.  Every morning a tray arrived with a pot of strong coffee and rolls and fruit. We would open the doors, listen to the city waking up and lay around planning our day.  Best way to do breakfast in bed EVER.  Can i do that for my choice?

4)  Whats the last music album you bought/downloaded?

Hmm - i really haven't.  I have two teenage sons who have vastly different tastes in music from each other, and a husband who likes to have background noise - music, radio, news.  There is enough music and other noise going on that, when i have the choice, i choose quiet.  That may change as they move on to college, but for now, i choose quiet.

5)  What advice would you give your 18 year old self looking back, knowing what you do know now, about anything...you choose?

To make relationship (romantic and otherwise) choices intentionally and then to be true to my choices.  Too often i just let things happen with people who were important to me (friends, family, and romances) without looking at what i was doing or putting in any effort or really making, or breaking, any connection.  I'm sure there are an awful lot of things in did at 18 that i should want to go back and change or see differently, but people are important and i didn't act that way often enough.

6)  New shoes or a new dress? why that choice?....no you cant have both lol

See above about no fashion sense, impossible body (dresses especially are NOT made for my proportions)... So shoes are an easy choice.  I have very average, very easy to fit feet and i kinda like shoes anyhow.

7)  Do you have any rules/expectations you wish you didnt have or are there rules/expectations you dont have but would like?

Left to myself - i would absolutely not shave so often.  Since it's the only real expectation he has about my appearance though, i wouldn't wish to get rid of it.  So probably no to the first part of the question.  Sometimes i wish he would lay out expectations for every facet of my life - the thinking being that i would then stop struggling and suddenly be perfect in every way.  Clearly i'm not too bright in my fantasy life - so probably no to the second part as well.


So - 7 questions from me:
1 - If you were going to create a blog award, what would it be called or be about?

2 - How would you describe your style of decorating.

3 - If you could have your dream job/occupation, what would it be?

4 - Are there any people in your (vanilla) life who you think might actually be kinky, or who you look at and think "no way, but, yet, maybe..."

5 -  Where would you put yourself (the sum total of your relationship) on a spectrum from incredibly stern and rigid to teasing and lighthearted?

6 - If you had a fairly close friend with whom you really could discuss these types of things, do you think you would still blog?

7 - If you had more time (in your day, in your week, in your life) what would you do differently?



I'm going to nominate the people who nominated me, tori and sofia (answers to come shortly) because i like their blogs and i like conversations that go back and forth.  And also Jz though she hates that.  And lil though i get the impression she's buried, so really -  whenever is good.  No obligations to think up new or any questions though - i do see how this could be never ending...

People fascinate me.  And i have pretty limited time to do this blogging thing.  I would love to read far and wide, but i just can't seem to make it fit.  i would love to nominate all the blogs i do keep up with, but that, sadly, doesn't fit either.

sums it up.....

For Bleuame

Bleuame asked.....I feel like I have asked you this before..or it has been asked before but here it goes: "Is there anything you wish he would change/modify about your behaviour and hasn't/doesn't?"

I think i may have answered this previously - but i also think it's worthwhile to look at things over time.  I'll go looking for my previous response after i write this and see if i've changed at all.  

Initially - way back when - and for awhile - i thought it would be terribly sexy to have him involved in what i wear, my appearance, my demeanor, etc.  But he doesn't.  He has no interest in exerting control in that area most of the time.   I also wish - out of pure laziness - that he would dictate my diet and exercise and all that kind of stuff - but for a lot of reasons - that just doesn't work. Neither of us cares much to make day to day chores or things that need to be done part of ttwd - maybe just because we've juggled day to day for so long - it just happens. 

What he does care about is how we interact.  He hasn't laid out rules or codes or protocols except for bedtime - when we are alone.  The boys are always around and they see EVERYTHING.  I got a lecture from one the other day because he heard me ask my husband if he liked the dress i had chosen to wear out that evening; "if you like it it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks, you should wear it, why ask dad.....?"  Real protocols or anything unusual in our interactions would be noticed and not just commented on, i think it could be confusing to them.  

What they do see is that we support each other, we treat each other, and them, with respect, we are polite and try to do nice things for each other, we ask instead of telling each other what to do, etc, etc.  That goes both ways, for both of us.  There have been subtle changes over the past 6 years, a shift in the power that the two of us know, but others don't.  

It is evolving though, our interactions.  We try to be all of that stuff i just said, but we aren't always.  For my part, i can get hurried, short, impatient, cranky, bossy, and other even less pleasant adjectives.  Sometimes he lets it flow, sometimes he calls me on it.  I always feel badly about it, even more so though when he just lets it flow.  In fact, when i feel like i've gotten away with really treating him inappropriately, it makes me doubt the whole thing and my commitment, and whether i'm cut out for this, whether he really cares, etc.  

So - in answer to the question - I often wish he would just lay out the expectations for our interactions, spell out the boundaries and then enforce them. In my fantasy mind, that would solve the problem, I would know exactly how to act, how to sound, how to be, and that would keep me from being stressed, impatient, overwhelmed, all those other things.  My rational mind knows that's not how it works - i'm absolutely still going to be stressed, overwhelmed, short....  

I quite honestly don't know how it would work, his taking more control of what is acceptable for me and my behavior, maybe more specifically the way i talk to him.   The other day i lost it - the stress of what is going on in our home recently is very different than anything previously - and i reacted to some things very differently than i ever have before - badly differently.

He grabbed my throat and pushed me into a quiet corner and made himself clear, fearfully so. He didn't listen to my excuses/reasons, or calm down, or back off or try to see my side.  And maybe that is the part i wish he would take more control but am also very unsure i could handle.  I had a very, very difficult time dealing with his response in the moment - i wanted very much to be heard, not to be chastised.  He did eventually talk with me about why i reacted so strangely.  But i also later, and now - feel better about that interaction than many others.   I feel somehow more secure with him, more grounded and resolved, less afraid of my emotions and feelings.  I'm not sure this makes any sense at all.  I'm not sure it does to me, or to him.  But i do think there is something to it.

If you had to go back and start over again -- but got to keep the knowledge of yourself that you have now -- when do you think you would have started being kinky?

Jz sent me this question.  It doesn't make me uncomfortable, but my first response is that I have absolutely no idea.  Which feels like an easy out - the kind my son would give.

So i thought about it some more - or i stepped back and looked at how i really feel about it all...

I think i wouldn't change anything.  

When we did start was such a tough time to do so - I was so close to the finish line of a huge thing i had undertaken.  Starting something so new and potentially (and in actuality) overwhelming could so easily have completely derailed years of effort.  Our family and life was about to move, change, undergo a major upheaval, one more huge change to our lifestyle at the same time was stupidity.

But it worked, it worked out well, and in fact helped us through the other transitions and stressors at that time.

"But what about the opportunity costs?"  Wouldn't it have been even better if i had found out and we had explored even earlier -  for just kink, maybe just bedroom, maybe the whole tpe.... Think of the years we could have been having so much more fun, better sex, better marriage.  I don't know.  

But i still believe that I wouldn't go back and change anything.  I think I was ready when it happened. I'm not sure i would have been any sooner.  Maybe not mature enough, maybe too fearful, not open enough....  Maybe I would have been, just no way to know.  

I have an odd way of viewing things sometimes - seems to be a theme lately.  I don't really plan far ahead.  I don't have a 10, 20, 30 year plan for where i want to go, what i want to do, where i see myself when....  I look at choices and forks in the road when they present themselves and i try to make the best, most honest decision of the choices in front of me.  

The flip side of this is not regretting the path my life has taken.  That sounds arrogant (i did everything right) or ungrateful, or like i don't take responsibility for poor choices.  It's not those things. I do take responsibility and have remorse for poor choices, especially if I've hurt people along the way, but i don't stew in wanting to go back and change the past.   

So - i also don't think 'wouldn't it be great if i had done this, that, or the other sooner.  It's a strange way to approach life, I know, but for better or worse, that's me.

Thank you for the question!