distracted

He was just out of the shower and asked me a question.  It was a mundane question - completely un-erotic, uninteresting, but something i needed to think about to decide.
He stood in front of me and opened his robe, guided my head into place.  I soooo love this:  gently nudging with my tongue, drawing him in, creating contact all around then expanding my mouth so he grows into the space, feeling him grow into that space, caressing with my tongue, then opening further as he demands more.

I'm so content here, no thoughts, no questions.
Then he pulled back - huh?

He held my head right there - literally just out of reach of the tip of my tongue
"Are your eyes closed?? Open them!  No - look right there!  Now answer the question!"

Seriously?  Really?  Not a chance my brain is going to manage that.

Again that sweet feeling - soft skin, so firm, filling my mouth, into my throat, him guiding my head, a little faster, a little deeper.....

Then pulled back - right there - so close - but out of reach.

"Answer the question!!"

I struggled and fumbled, such a stupid question, should not be this difficult.  Finally I managed a semblance of a useful answer. 

And he walked away, with a smirk on his face.

balance and entropy

I do wonder, every once in awhile, if I would remain so interested, involved, submissive maybe - if I were always satisfied.  If my sexual hunger were always appeased, if I were fed as much pain (and more) as i daydream about, if our lives could revolve around just dominating and submitting and all that stuff - would I still attend to it, crave it, enjoy it, or even tolerate it.  I think probably not.  I think there is absolutely something very motivating about being hungry for more.

Of course - i think there's a risk to being disappointed too often also.

I do want it to ramp up and up and up - to live the fantasy, see how far it can all go.  That is obviously not really teneable, or sustainable; it's probably not even very smart.  It sounds like and addiction actually - not so much a healthy way to live. 

I am so glad I'm not the one in charge of deciding where that balance point is. 

Of course I have to give some honest indication of whether I feel too far off the mark - off in one direction or the other.

And of course it's a moving target - every change to the system - whether to maintain it or realign it - alters the system and its dynamics.  Even leaving it alone is obviously going to change the system - it has entropy  it will wind down and lose energy if not pushed or pulled. 

Sometimes it gets off balance for no apparent reason at all.

Soooo glad it's not my job. 

thwarted

I came to bed with clothes on - very sexy flannel pj's and an even sexier sweatshirt.

btw - it's been a hard and fast rule, since forever - no clothes in bed - there are very few exceptions, even in the 57 degree bedroom with no flannel sheets (I know - poor me - he will actutally lie on my side of the bed to warm it for me if i wait to get in - he's a nice guy)

so - i was feeling something - horny, needy, bratty, wound up, wanting attention, wanting to play - nothing serious or intense - just play.  To him - i imagine i was giggly, annoying, irritating and - well - bratty.

I thought, hoped, he might want to "punish" me for being bratty.

No Go.  Deadpan -  he warned, gave threatening looks, warned again, put his glasses back on.  Deadly serious -  he asked me if i liked that particualar sweatshirt? more than him? and began to roll over with his back to me.

So very much not the response i was hoping for.  Of course i took the clothes off.  I really, really don't want to be shut out - esp in bed. 

And of course he decided i should make myself useful to him, which i did - and which always leaves me turned on and needier - and completely unsatisfied (unless you think that being of service to him should be satisfaction in and of itself - and sure, it is, but not of the kind i was looking for exactly)

And really - i knew absolutely it would go this way - never a doubt in my mind - it would have been inconsistent with everything i know about him for him to have done anything else.

So why do i try????

everything cookies

Thanks to Jz for putting this all together.  All the other virtual cookie sharers are listed at the end - have a taste....

This is my sister's recipe.  She swore me to never give it away to anyone. 
If she reads it here - she will be angry enough to let me know about it.
Of course - if she reads it here and recognizes it's me - she'll be an awful lot of other things before she ever gets around to angry. 

** Even my kitchen-aide has to really work hard to handle a full batch - so half at a time might be ideal.

2c butter- room temp
2c sugar
2c brown sugar
....................cream these together in mixer
then add............
4 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
...................cream it all some more
then add..............
4c flour (half all purpose, half whole wheat works)
3c rolled oats
1tsp salt
2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp baking soda
...................mix it all up some more
then add.......
12 oz chocolate chips
 8 oz hershey bar - grated
2 c chopped nuts (walnuts, pecans)
12 oz bag of heath chips (crumbled heath bars, or toffee and milk chocolate)
mix it all together, whisper encouraging words to the motor on your mixer.......
........spoon dough onto a cookie sheet just like toll house cookies
........bake 10 min at 375 F  (or eat it raw and freeze some raw dough for later)



Alice
Ally
Cultivated Discipline
Elysia
Externally Motivated Wife
Hedone
Kirsti
Jz
Kelly Red
Molly and Mick
mouse
nilla
Sara
selkie (NB- recipe posted chez Jz, though!)
sephani paige
sin
Striving for Peace
Tempting Sweets
turiya
Xantu

balking

It is ironic that Jz published this post a few days ago.  This sort of circumstance came up for me - for us. 

I had, for the first time I think, been able to tell him directly what I felt like i wanted.  I had asked him, nicely of course, to please push me harder the next time we were able to play.  So, all day, he had been feeding me promises and tastes of what he planned for that night. This was new and I was very apprehensive and wondering (oh s**t) what i had gotten myself in for.  [ know - just exactly what i asked for - go figure.]

I think that the prolonged nervousness was a big part of why i was unable to tolerate much at all right from the start.  That happens to me every once in awhile, and in the past i have just buried my face in a pillow and waited for my mind to catch up to where it needs to be.  But he had done somethign differently also - it was a small, innocuous thing, about the environment, not even really related to what he was doing to me.   But it set me off completely.  It made me furious.  It only took me a few seconds to realize it was much too much like something my father had always done.  In this context I couldn't handle it.  I lost it and rolled away and just said,  "I can't." 

Usually if I'm not restrained, he expects me to stay still, if i do squirm, he waits a bit, puts a hand on my back, then demands I stay still.  He realized this was different and he stopped.  He listened to me and asked more questions and waited for me calm down and figure it out and explain it to him.  He laid down with me and reassured me (and changed the thing that had bothered me).  Then he started again - different pain, in different ways in different areas, with pleasure too this time. Back and forth.  He build up to what he had been wanting to do before - not as intesely I'm sure, but some. 

I'm glad he stopped -and I'm glad he went back to it. 

I believe he doesn't want to see me in psychological pain, or to be angry, at least not by the time it's over.  He wants me to be with him in this and responding the way he likes me to respond - sometimes that means I'm angry initially, certainly in physical pain, to have marks, to be in tears and to be spent - but also to be very aroused,  and to be in that incredibly connected, focused on him, and completely responsive headspace.  

I know this goes against lots of peoples' ideas about submission or dominance.  Maybe it is "service topping," or letting the sub really be in control, or just playing around, not doing it right at all - whatever.  For us, it is part of us learning each other and ourselves, and it is how the trust is built.  

I didn't know that this thing that he did would bother me, certainly not to that degree.  Now I do know, and so does he.  And it helps both of us understand a bit more about why certain patterns have existed in hte past. 

It reinforced for me that i should be honest with him, that he doesn't see it as a failure on my part, that he won't just throw up his hands and walk away, that he will even go back to what he was doing if and when it is right.  It shows me that i can trust myself to distinguish real distress from the feeling of being pushed in an appropriate way.  And it shows me that he can make that distinction too.

It shows him he can trust me to let him know when i am in distress, that i will be honest with myself and with him about it.  This lets him know he can push more, maybe with more confidence - because he knows i won't try to play martyr, but also that i won't cry wolf. 

This also opened up room for me to talk about other things that had been only half formed in my mind.  He is interested in breath play, but i consider it a hard limit.  I am slowly finding myself (cautiously) intrigued by it, just peeking from between the fingers closed over my eyes at the idea.  I have to believe that building up trust is the way to move towards being able to explore this kind of limit. 

yes ...but

Someone suggested to me some time ago that eliminating a certain phrase from my vocabulary may be a helpful thing to the peace and harmony of my marriage, and would maybe be more a appropriate way of speaking, you know, as a submissive and all...  Interestingly, it wasn't a suggestion to cut out "no."  That isn't actually a big thing for me - for whatever reason- I just never said no to him a lot, well, except in one area, and that is solved now. 

Could I at least try to reduce the "no's" from my responses to him even further - of course i could,,,,,,but, then.....

Could I try to go along with my husband without disagreeing or naysaying - yes, i think i can,,,,,,,,but, what if.....

Wouldn't it be more appropriate if i would learn to be more agreeable, to go along more easily, to submit more graciously - sure it would,,,,,,,but, really don't you think.......

So - guess what phrase needed to go????

I have worked on this.  However you word it - but, except, although, however, on the other hand - it is an argument and is not at all the same as saying yes.  It is sometimes just a backhanded way of saying no.  And I had been - I am - very good at it.  Consciously stopping myself at the point of arguing has indeed changed the way i respond to him.  I'm not sure he has noticed specifically that i have changed this speech pattern, but i do think he has noticed that I am (at least marginally) more agreeable, and less argumentative, and more - well - in this case - submissive. 

Contract??

It's a question day today.

This is something I have wondered about in the past a few times, but I never felt like I got any closer to an answer.  It is one of those things in which "life goes on," maybe even just fine, if it is set aside and not dealt with; but it is certainly a case of not making a choice being a choice in itself. 

Mouse's post about "is it a lifestyle if it is how you live every day, all the time?" got me thinking.  Of course the questions it raised in my mind are very different from what I'm sure she was thinking about.  We are different people in different situations.  I very much want to avoid the 'label ourselves' aspect of that question.  Do we fit "the lifestyle?" What lifestyle?  What would we call ourselves to try to decide if we fit?  I've tried that in the past and it just doesn't work, and I don't think there is a point.  

Which is not to say there is no point to us trying to define ourselves to each other. Which leads to the question at hand.  Should we sit down and try to define ourselves to each other/with each other?  I have either asked him to take control of me or offered to cede control to him - maybe i should ponder which someday.  Either way - he agreed and has taken that control.  If I mean that - then there really is no reason to discuss anything - he decides what/how we are, I follow.  In a bit different way of looking at it, when we got married, we didn't negotiate and define the whole thing, we agreed to stick around and work out whatever came along.  This is just a slightly different way of working out whatever comes along. 

What's to discuss if we can't predict what will come our way, and have agreed about how we will handle it anyhow?  On the other hand, I have heard very convincing arguments that the process of sitting down and doing the work of articulating how each person sees the power exchange, what we each expect, want, need, can live with, is a worthwhile process in and of itself.  It would involve serious self reflection and discovery, learning about each other, clarifying our mutual understanding of the relationship, etc. 

Which leads to the question of having a contract or not.  I have read arguments on both sides of the question of having a contract.   There are legal arguments that it maybe protects him  if somehow he were accused of abuse; or that it doesn't at all so it doesn't matter.  I've read that giving him power is just that, and that there is therefore nothing to negotiate or write down, anything and everything is already covered.   Other sources say it is important to lay out and agree to limits and expectations and general structure.   I really don't know the answer to these.

There is, I think, probably a lot of truth to the argument that the process of trying to define our dynamic to ourselves would be a worthwhile exercise.  On the other hand, it feels strange to think about trying to parse out our relationship after so many years of just being together. 

playing games - one version

There is this little game we play - actually i guess i play - it doesn't seem to be a game for him:

As long as we have known each other - or at least as long as we have been intimate  - if he walks in on me just out of the shower, or changing my clothes,  he insists on having a feel - or a nibble.   And because he is all about symmetry - he can't do just one side.  He has to hold, pinch, squeeze or suck on both breasts - he always has. 

For reasons that have to do with things from my childhood - i've always been very uncomfortable with this.  He knew that - we talked about it.   Other things that made me more uncomfortable, he let alone - but this he pushed.  Sometimes he just pushed, sometimes he pushed me more explicitly to accept that it was him not my past, that it was him loving me, loving my body.  Of course that didn't help - i didn't love my body and didn't see why he should either. 

Prior to "going ttwd" (what on earth do you call that transition), when he would push - i would sometimes laugh it off, sometimes get pissy, sometimes it caused a lot of hurt feelings all around.  Since ttwd, I  have agreed to do what he says - I've agreed to that in all aspects of our life, but certainly in our sex life and regarding my body.  Yet, in this small thing, I still resist him, almost every time.  I bat his hands away, or cover myself, or turn away. 

And every time - he insists, except now there are consequences.  Now i am made to put my hands on my head and stand still and quietly watch him and accept him doing this.  And if i resist, he hurts them first, then proceeds.  He asks me every time why i still resist this and i have not been able to answer him.  So this is my attempt to try to figure it out. 

I know my past - i know that this is not the same thing at all - I believe that this recognition invalidates any excuse i have to fall back on my past as a cop out.  I have a responsibility to be honest with myself and with him about what is real and what is not. This is here, and now, and him - not then or there or anyone else.   

Yes - on some level i want and need pain, at least certian kinds of pain - but i don't think it is a matter of seeking the pain by provoking this punishment.  Or maybe it is a component, maybe it is a simple stimulus/response conditioning thing.  I can say ow - that hurts - stop - please don't - but I'm not really sure it isn't a positive feedback on some level. 

I also recognize that the simple act of having me stand and wait and watch him touch me, fondle or pinch or kiss or even nibble my breasts - even though it is a small, normal, even nice thing he is doing, between us - in our context - is a huge act of control and being controlled, even of humiliation to some degree.  We haven't explored humiliation at all - but i know that his control is something i actively seek - so maybe that is part of my motivation.

There is a feeling i get when we are locked in this exchange - and I know i have always had it and now i recognize it,  whereas before it just upset me and added to my discomfort.  It is being made to submit.  It is knowing i will, and knowing i will then feel very submissive - at least for that brief moment.  It is wondering if he will really insist, this time; hoping he will, needing him to. 

I don't know if any of this will help him understand, or make any difference.  Maybe this pattern, this thing between us serves a purpose as is, maybe it is needed, for now - or maybe it would be better to move onto other things.  I know that isn't my decision.  Maybe it's not even my place to wonder.  Except that i am submissive, which is not the same as lacking in intelligence or self awareness or curiosity.  So i do wonder, even if i don't control. 

with cuffs on

Sometimes, when I'm sitting working or just playing around online, he'll show up with the leather cuffs and fasten them around my wrists, sometimes my ankles as well.  He doesn't connect them to each other, or to anything else; they are just there, substantially present, but not hindering me in any way.  He asks how much work i have left, or if I'm not working, tells me when to finish up.  He tells me where to go, when, and how to be.  I will work or continue what i was doing for some time.  The metal rings on the cuffs make small noises and I am acutely aware of the leather around the bones of my wrists and maybe the tendons in my ankles.  I would have expected that my concentration would fly out the window in these cases, but instead i feel myself settle a bit, i think my heartrate slows and a small little smile forms at the corners of my mouth.  Remarkably I am able to focus quite well on my work until it is time to get up. 

Last night, my only question was "do you want my hair up or left down?"  It can get in the way, and I never know what he has planned.  I go through my nighttime routine, braid my hair back, and undress, the cuffs not interfering at all, but magically keeping me calm and centered. 

He has shown me how he wants me to wait for him: there are two positions he has given me, most often he leaves it to me to choose.  I usually choose the one I think he likes more, but last night I chose the other, for some reason,  it just felt like I should.  I always face away from the door, away from him entering.  This time I was kneeling tall, sitting on my heels, my knees well apart and my hands on my thighs. I can hear him approach, his hand goes immediately between my legs, cupping, grabbing, parting the lips and probing, pinching.  I can't be loud now, but i moan quietly and arch back into him, the arch only impaling me further and easing his access that much more.

From behind he pulls my arms up, my hands behind my back, cuffs now attached there.  His hand pulling my braid keeps me fully arched back into him, relying on him to keep upright.  The other hand moves to my waist, my stomach, the flared areas over my ribs, just under my breasts.  His whole hand makes contact, open and firm, touching and feeling for his sensation and intentions, not my pleasure.  But the position, the insistence of his touch, the whispers in my ear, his control of me, all move me instantly deeper into another headspace, warm and serene. 

My breathing slows and my mental focus is entirely on the points of connection between the two of us, listening for his next direction.  My nipples ache in their hardness, my cunt twitches and throbs, my skin tingles; all of me actively waiting, seeking.  Then I am pushed forward, onto my face, and both his hands are free. The calm and focused headspace gives way to a more urgent, reactive one.

The pain comes to my nipples first, pinched wickedly, then clamped, my neck and back bitten hard.  I am now tightly spread open and secured.  More biting, more pinching.  His cock ramming my face and my throat; rubbing his smell over me.  And the probing and the - what - the fingers and the tongue and the teeth, the pure stimulation, faster and harder, too fast, and too hard, i can't take this, but i can't move..........

********************

I tried to explain, later, where my mind goes in all this.  I'm not sure i can explain it.  He asked if it works as well as the impact play.  We are both starting to learn how the rougher play can calm and center me, how it resets me and re-connects us, how it creates a stronger bond between us each time.  This is much different, but I absolutely feel more focused on him, more centered and still, cared for and of use, our connection strengthened. 

waiting

I talked with my husband about the fact that I was so wound up the last few weeks and that I thought I needed to stop and just wait.  At first it came out sounding like "wait for you to catch up to me," which didn't sound right.  What I had meant was that I need to stop and wait to hear him before I go off and just assume or decide or do on my own.  I had been making decisions and pushing an agenda and striking out on my own quite a lot.   

Most people don't like to wait, I know I don't - it takes that active control of myself I had talked about.  And it is very much different to how I am used to being and doing.  So then there was an internal conversation with myself about whether and when he would want me waiting for him?  Waiting on him?  Big difference between the two - interesting that. 

[Yes - I see the obvious -  that my mind immediately took off on its own to figure it out, make some decisions for myself.  Not waiting!  I actually talked to him about that too.  At this point, I can work on controlling my words and my actions.  I'm not sure that I can or should try to direct what thoughts come to me or not, only how I act on them.  What I choose to do or say, and what I leave unsaid and not done, will influence what I learn and where my thoughts go from there.]
 
I thought about the various ways the word waiting is used.  The meaning I had been thinking of was the obvious "stop what you're doing and not act until some other thing comes to pass", or to just "bide your time."   But then there is the idea of ladies-in-waiting, waiters, waiting on people, as in serving them.  I suppose the point is that they do have to be still and bide their time, not act until requested or directed to do so.  Interesting that waiting in this context is synonymous with serving. 

It also occurred to me that there are major world religions which have a very large component of waiting - waiting for the fullfillment of a covenant, waiting for the second coming, etc...  So, waiting is having faith that the promise will be met.  But it is the structure of the relationship too.  And it is on some levels both the reason and the means by which honor is shown. 

Then I remembered a book I have always liked - a major theme of the story is that waiting is praying.  In this case, the characters were waiting to be able to be together, but there were tasks they each had to accomplish first, things they needed to learn - pretty cliche story line really.  The waiting as praying in this context though brought everything to an individual, personal relationship level.  It was not about a religion dictating a heirarchy of subservience.  It was about each person's faith and beliefs guiding his or her decisions and that being lived through their relationships. 

This is all awfully big and deep stuff considering it started with me thinking about much smaller, day-to-day stuff.  It's important too though.    But there are the fun aspects to waiting, or there are the more overtly  D/s uses of waiting.  Other people have written about it much better than I could. Mouse talks about being made to "be still".  Jz talked about the challenge of being open and vulnerable while waiting (here).  And Aisha wrote about the very erotic aspects of being made to wait (here).

Waiting, for me, means that I have to be quiet and still - I have to listen.  Acting means deciding and often means assuming something about what he wants.  By no means do we, or could we, live our lives if I waited for him to make every decision for me.  Life would come to a standstill and he would never even consider that: too much work for him, and a total waste of me.  But there are many opportunities for me to honor  him and serve him by waiting. 

A little less conversation.....

.... a little more action, please.

People - particularly of the submissive persuasion - write about events or times when they feel themselves slipping further into their submission.  It's maybe after a big scene or some big connection that triggers a new understanding or closeness, and it seems to generate lots of very nice feelings and inner contentment.  I've had some moments like that too, and it is lovely; it makes me feel  like i can't get close enough to him and that i want to do whatever i can for him. 

This wasn't one of those times. 

This was me being shown that it is what he has decided it is, no matter how much or what i think, analyze, parse, dissect or try to figure it out to be.  I can wonder about me and the twists and turns of my psyche, but I need to separate that now from trying to figure out him and his motivations. 

He told me simply, as i repeatedly tried to reason it all out with him, that those were the rules and he wanted me to follow them, period, not play games about it in any way.  And a friend pointed out to me, "What ever the reason is though, it is his reason and you accept it, no questions, we call that submission."

It's not the warm fuzzy kind of slip further into submission.  In fact, it's humbling and uncomfortable. 

rules and testing

I am a rule follower.  It is who I am, from as long as I can remember. My husband has made some rules for me over the past year. Some have to do with the way he likes me to be (eg., shaved), some have to do with things he just likes (eg., having his coffee made for him), and some have to do with how I should really be anyhow (eg., focused on him when he's talking to me, doing my work at work, etc.). I don't break these rules, at least not willfully. Occasionally I have just forgotten something, or run out of time, sometimes I struggle with making the necessary focus happen; but, I understand these rules, they make sense, the reason they are important to him make sense to me. I don't want to break them, so I don't.

There are some rules that I feel differently about. These rules have to do with my body and especially my orgasms being his to control. These rules have not felt the same to me. The have felt artificial and contrived and at times just silly. I think at some level I believed he made these rules just because that's "what D/s people do."  I went along with these rules, but I never felt they were important - especially to him. I sort of giggled, and sometimes rolled my eyes and went along - but it felt like play-acting, not real.

The other day, I did break one of *those* rules. I was, as mouse would say, very squirmy, and he was out of town for several days.  I'm supposed to ask, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to reach him at that moment, so I went ahead on my own. I completely willfully and knowingly disobeyed him. 

There were a lot of thoughts that went thru my head at the time:
     It was the first time, only time, I had broken a rule outright.
     A girl should get a free pass or two with a record like that, right?
     How lame am I that this is my big rebellion?   
     I can't reach him to ask, but  I really need to get un-squirmy so I can focus on other stuff.
     Is this rule as real, are these particular rules really important to him?
     Does he actually think of my body and especially my sexual being as his to control, or is that play?
     I also wanted to know what he would do if I really disobeyed him. I think maybe I *needed* to know the answer to that.
     I absolutely recognized  that this was a new level of testing: was he really serious about all this.  It's easy to talk, easy to make rules, will he back that up?
    
I also recognized that a part of what has kept me obedient so far is a fear that if i challenged him at all, he would just throw up his hands and walk away.  On some level I needed to know that wouldn't happen.  This is a big one in fact.  It's not the only reason I do what he asks, but it's there, it's part of the whole thing.  And I know that, as small a part as it is, it is poison and is keeping me from really trusting and really committing. 

I told him about it when he got home of course, I knew I would when I did it. And he knew exactly why I had done it.   

And now, a few days later, some questions are answered.  He is serious about all the rules he makes. 
He will punish me.  He won't spank me or use pain to punish me (I knew that one already - otherwise I would have been breaking rules a lot more often). 

I don't think the doubt is fully removed though.  I know that I will (already do) worry that there will be a time that he just feels like I am too much trouble or this is all silly and want to stop.   I know testing this way is juvenile and cliche and frankly, disrespectful to him.  I also know that I don't know of any other way to reassure myself.  Maybe it is an inevitability, a phase all relationships have to go through.   Maybe we have to test.  Are there relationships where there is just obedience, no pushing at the boundaries to see how strong they are?   Maybe me testing him is the thing that will push him that step too far.  (See how my mind can go in circles). 

I am sorry and punished and forgiven for the thing I did. But I don't feel sorrow or remorse for the real reason I did it, and I know this is a problem.  I think I should feel sorry and remorseful for this part of it all.  Is it a punishment that accomplishes that, or can it only come from me?  Since I haven't been punished, I also really don't feel forgiven, so things feel wrong between us still.  Except I haven't yet expressed regret for having done it.


Can I go to him and ask to be punished for this?  Is that what makes me sorry?  Or does that happen only once I feel the remorse on my own?    Actually, as I write this i think I'm beginning to see....  

what do words say

Many really, really smart people throught the ages have written about the power of words. I'm not that kind of smart (or eloquent), but I have been knocked over by the power of certain words since this whole thing  started. 

I read a fair bit about ttwd; it is the way i had and have to learn about it.  In all this reading, it is hard to miss certain words and the significance attached to them.  One becomes immersed in the culture, particularly in the language, and the meanings of special words go far beyond their standard usage. 

My husband reads very little in this way, so he isn't familiar with this alternate vocabulary, or at least not with the depth of context attached to some of the words.  This does make communication a bit precarious at times.  I have a difficult time confessing many of my desires in any case, and single words or phrases that convey the weight and the meaning of my thoughts would make it easier for me.  On the other hand, it often forces me to be very expicit about my wants and needs and feelings.  Objectively of course, that is a good thing, but it is much, much harder for me.

The lack of common vocabulary also created disconnects for us at times.  Things i have brought to him as intriguing, or desirous have very negative connotations for him.  His understanding of the word "submission" or "submissive" in particular led him initially to reject the concepts I was trying to advocate.  Again, i have had to work to clarify and express what i meant - my conceptualization of ideas like "submission", "control," "containment" - what exactly did i mean by those? - not just a swirl of nebulous ideas garnered "out there" - what did *I* mean?  Once we gained common ground, we could move forward together.  I can see now that the work i do to understand what I mean, both to be able to explain to him and to know for myself,  is very important; but, at the time, I would really rather skip around that part.

Some have taken on meaning for us, we have given them our own context.  "Sir" for example: he is a boss, sometimes people call him Sir, sometimes out of respect, sometimes as a cheap attempt at ingratiation, but it has that context for him.  For me, it is a view of him that takes hold of me sometimes, but which i am shy to express out loud.  We are both finding that it carries the right weight and meaning if we reserve it for very limited contexts, alone and intense times.  Then we both understand, and we both like it. 

I am the one who spent 6 months learning and living as submissive to my husband before i could bear to type that word out in reference to myself.   It is a very powerful word, and has been a very powerful way to live. 
There are more words out there that aren't part of us at this point, but which nonetheless invoke a profound response in me: girl, slave, Master, owned, Mine.  I will leave it at that for now.

more, more, more....

No one can run at full tilt all the time, but there are periods of time when life is really busy on all fronts.  Sometimes for me these are just tedious and draining and just have to be gotten through.  But other times, the business is challenging and productive and invigorating.  It feels good to be "on".  The accomplishments feed my overall energy rather than draining it, and I am able to sustain doing even more.  The energy and efficiency in one area of my life spill over into other areas and they become more manageable.  Of course there are limits: there are only 24 hours in a day, and I do have to sleep or the whole system crashes. 

Similar things happen between him and me at times.  Sometimes things do feel too easy, sometimes i want him to ask things of me that are hard for me, to push me.  I want to plunge in and race ahead.  Maybe I'm looking for that same "on" feeling I get in other areas of my life.  Maybe I want to prove myself to him, maybe earn that 'good girl.'  Maybe it's just because I'm needy and greedy and want more: more attention, more containment, more control, more him...

There are times when the need is a need - not like air, food, water, etc.; but for balance and even-keeled-ness it is definitely more necessity than luxury.  The big thing i am seeing is that when life is not so smooth, if I am low, or the tasks i need to get done are pressing and tedious and just plain overwhelming, that his letting up on the control doesn't work.  I know he feels uncomfortable adding to my responsibilities when I am already stressed.  But what he sees as helpful reprieve, I feel as one more task or area I have failed at or not managed well.  It weighs on me and I feel let go of and adrift. 

So, maybe i am needy or greedy, since all the time I want more, more, more....  Maybe this is the natural order for these types of relationships, maybe it works out for him, easier for him to exert control if I'm a state of wanting rather than not wanting. 

to remember

"...... if you're going to submit to me, you need to listen to me and believe me."

a moment and a realization

I have come to accept that in this new 'normal' - my state-of-mind and emotions - the highs are higher and the lows are lower, and that this is somehow absolutely right and necessary and worthwhile.  When it is good, the affection, the need to be melded to him, the desire to do and care for him, and the feelings of being cared for and loved and surrounded in him are all insanely intense.  When I crash, the confusion, doubt and despair are irrational yet completely overwhelming.  [Interesting that i don't consider the insanely high feelings to be irrational - something to wonder about another day I guess].  Now I am seeing that other fundamental sensations and perceptions are no longer nearly as straightforward either. 

Yesterday I was teetering on the brink of a tumble into a bad state-of-mind.  I was fighting the doubts and trying to look objectively at why he might be seeming withdrawn and a bit distant the past few days.  He has always had bouts of pulling back for a few days; it's not often, and it is subtle enough that no one but me notices.  He is really, really good at maintaining a very even outward appearance.  But these times have always made me nervous, always made me wonder what I had done or missed doing.  Likely, I am just too sensitive to something that is related more to lack of sleep or things at work than to me anyhow.  But I have come to accept and expect and now even rely on a level of control from him, and when it is withdrawn, I flounder a bit.  His control isn't exerted in big, obvious or loud ways.  It is quiet and just betwen us: he notices things and makes it clear that he does.  That is enough.  And when it isn't there, I don't brat or push at the boundaries, I start to doubt and drift. 

Yesterday, as I was feeling adrift, he interrupted me folding laundry.  I didn't think I was interested, too much doubt and resentment and just plain pissiness.  I started out trying to rebuff him then just going along because I had to. Very quickly he changed my mind, or at least he changed my body and the mind had no choice but to follow.  My body responded as it always does now, and it needed this.  It climbed very high, very quickly and when it fell over the edge, it just kept going.  This should have had me, had my body, quiet and content for a good while.  But it didn't. 

I think it amuses my husband that I am needy again after such intense satisfaction.  I worry though about what he must really think about me.  I worry he finds me too focused on sex, too needy, not the kind of woman I should be, I worry he is exasperated or even offended.  And I wonder why I am this way.  I wonder why my body suddenly seems to have a mind of it's own, disconnected from my emotions and thoughts and what I think I should want and need.

What I realized is that my body may seem more disconnected, but may in fact be more in tune with my state-of-mind than I realize.  The physical release is one thing.  But I also crave and maybe (probably) need the more abstract levels of his influence and control.  Missing the sense of him containing me or the manifestations of that connection I think leaves my body right back in it's needy state.  It's one more thing about this whole thing that is unexpected and just more complex than ever before. 

day to day - or - being engaged

I have been struggling for about a week now to write about my how i understand our dynamic day to day, specifically how i feel about shifting my mental focus in many ways from me to him.  I don't understand it all; i can't even wrap my head around it all enough to figure out how to write about it.  But this weekend (ironically?) turned into an object lesson in going his way vs. my way. 

My hope/plan for the weekend had been to spend time with the family, do a little yard work and the necessary housework, and have a good bit of time to work ahead at a number of things for my job.  (well - and maybe figure out my thoughts about the meaning of life as pertains to our dynamic - maybe even write that down in a post).   It involved lots of quiet, at home time. 

My husband, on the other hand, had planned lots of engaging activities: things that got us out and involved in the local community, with our kids' friends, our friends, more community - on lots of levels, even extended family.  It is not easy for me to meet new people or put myself into new groups or situations, so none of it was the type of thing i am easily comfortable doing.  Also -  it just wasn't what i had wanted to do.  I know we need to do these things, and each activity we participated in was a good choice and a worthwhile activity.  But my choice would have been different, I would have chosen to miss most of these opportunities. 

It was hard for me to go along, and it has been stressful for me because of the things i didn't get to do, and because of the things i did need to do.  But, I will have to think about it in depth another day: it is Sunday evening and i do need to do a few thigns for work this coming week before i can sleep.  Also ironically - going his way means not having time to think about going his way.   

Maybe that's the plan.....???

a funny thing happened....

I had told him once that i found the idea of caning to be tantalizing in a very "didn't think it would ever happen to me so it was a safe hypothetical" sense.

Last weekend (more than a week ago now) I woke up Saturday morning and couldn't stop crying.  I was exhausted, I was sleep deprived, I was emotionally on edge, and I was barely (ok, not really even barely) holding it together.  I was trying very hard to put out of my mind the fact that incorporating pain into our dynamic was on hold, and i had no idea whether he would decide to make that permanent.

We were able to have some time alone and he had remembered what I had once said about caning.  It was a funny thing: it hurt, it was more intense than anything previously, but I wouldn't ask him to stop.  I was not bound down, only my hands together, and I wasn't completely able to stop myself from jumping around a bit after some of the blows.  But I was supposed to keep my face in the pillow to muffle my cries.  At one point he told me that if I lifted my face again, he would be finished.  After that, I kept my face down. 

It was incredibly good timing on his part.  It made all the difference in me.  I had felt so lost and unsure and so very far away from him.  It is such a funny thing that pain can re-connect two people.

I'm not sure what it means.  He says he is not put off, or feeling wrong about it.  He says he wants to keep going.  Now I need to trust what he says and accept where he goes without questioning and second guessing.  Mostly I need to learn about me and learn how to turn this part of me over to him; that's going to be a tough one I think. 

There was a funny thing that happened after all this.  I felt much, much better the entire weekend.  But by Monday I started feeling blah or just not feeling or thinking much at all.  I didn't feel the warm glow I had over the weekend but I didn't feel like I wanted anything from him either.  I was irritible and pulling away. 

Honestly, I found myself not necessarly wanting to be near him or think about him at all.  It was a feeling I recognized from before we started ttwd.  I was irritated when he asked things of me, I found myself being passive- aggressive, wanting to be separate.  And I found myself resenting him because I thought he should see this and reach in and make me stop feeling this way. 
I was also a bit relieved - maybe this response meant that I had been wrong about the whole pain thing.  Maybe the fact that I fantasized about it didn't really mean that it is what I wanted or needed in reality.  How much simpler would that be?   Even the fantasies went away.  In fact all the cravings were quelched.  I had gotten used to a really, really high level of distraction, arousal, frenzy even about it all.  And that was gone. 
Then another funny thing happened.  It all came roaring back. 

for me, i think it's all active

David and Vesta  both put up very well articulated posts on their respective thoughts about passive vs. active submission.  I have to say that they take slightly different views from each other, and they each made me think.  In both cases, I think they refer to the output of the submissive - (her) outward appearance or demeanor: passive, being quiet, still, demure, waiting to follow rather than initiating, even if to please.  These made me think about the process for me though. And maybe it's telling that my first thought was about how it is for me: that it is all active for me, the process, what it takes me to produce that outward appearance.

Argument could be made that what matters is what is seen, what is experienced by the Dom - not what did or did not go into making that happen. This obviously looks at it from my POV - not his - perhaps that is wrong or at least immaterial. 

In my case, in our case, I believe it is all active.  I have a pretty fair idea, with some exceptions, of what he wants or expects of me day to day, and it's actually all pretty active - there isn't a lot of room in our lives at this phase for inactive.  I'm also pretty certain that he would appreciate much more my actively seeking ways to help, serve, please, etc, vs. waiting for him to direct me, even if i miss the mark sometimes. 

This is not to say he wouldn't like me to be more centered, calm, or still sometimes.  And perhaps it is the case that I have a lot to learn; maybe things that should be so simple for me are more difficult.  But it takes me actively controlling myself to do (or avoid doing) the things that distinguish me now (vs. before) as submissive.  Curbing my attitude, attending to how i respond, deciding and acting the way i should, being quiet, being still - all take effort from me.  Even waiting and being patient, especially this, take active control on my part.   

Every once in awhile, I  try to play the "you decide" card.  I try to sit back and be directed.  It doesn't fly.  He wont let me check out and abdicate responsibility to think and participate.  Even when we play - maybe he wants me to be actively engaged, so he can actively, forcefully dominate, wrestling for it as it were (he wins - he has fun).  On the other hand, if I'm told to be still and be quiet, it takes a great deal of effort to maintain that control sometimes even if I'm bound. 

The only times it approaches passive is well into a session - when my mind kind of pulls into itself somewhat - or when i seek him out to just hold me - and just melt into him.  Oddly, those are the times I would maybe identify as feeling most submissive - and I really, really love those feelings - but they wouldn't ever happen if all the rest didn't come first.

questions - on both sides

I don't understand why I suddenly returned to the obsessive, frenzied, overwhelming place I had been when submission was new to me.  But I did, except this time around, the focus was pain.  And suddenly there were very intense and dark fantasies where there never had been before. 

We have, since we started ttwd, played with pain.  We have both enjoyed it a great deal, not as punishment, but erotically, as emotional release for both of us, and for the incredible connectedness of it.  The larger world often dictated when and how much we could indulge in this kind of thing.  That was ok, we both missed it, and I noticed an edginess and craving when it got to be too long, but really, not a big deal. 

But this new thing has me out of balance, off track.  Playing 'a little' left me irritated and wanting more, and as time between grew longer, I grew even more off balance, unfocsed, distracted, daydreaming and unpleasant.  I have explained all I can to him about how I feel, what I think, how I have reacted in the past and more recently, how i think i may react in the future, particularly the fact that i think I want (need?) to move beyond my previous comfortable boundries with this.   


He explained that he is not sure: he very much likes the play so far, but isn't sure how he feels about really ramping that up, he isn't sure about being able to maintain what is needed given our lives and schedules, he's not sure what it means for me, or for him, to go deeper into this, something neither of us really understands.  I think, I'm guessing, that he needs to decide how he feels about really hurting me, about the idea of following that path over time, and maybe how he might react to himself in that case. 

I explained that, just as he makes decisions with my wellbeing in mind, I am so glad he is considering the rightness of this for him.  There is a voice in me that says this is not a very submissive way of looking at things, that I should consider only how to follow him and not concern myself with whether he has gone about it the right way or not.  But, submissive or not, I do want him to do what is good for him, and I don't want him to do what is not good for him. 

I told him that I will follow his lead - but explained that the ups and downs of hoping, expecting, waiting and then nothing happening have been very very hard on me emotionally - and have me very off balance.  I asked him to consider not playing in this way at all until he feels he knows how he wants to proceed.

So, for now, I am trying to just put it all back in the box and leave it.  It is a very odd thing to recognize that I have been fighting to control a thing, to be ready to start to relinquish that control, but to need to maintain it unto myself nonetheless.   He recognizes this, and other types of containment he has imposed - physical and more abstract, erotic and mundane, all help.  But we are in a strange place right now. For all the explaining and discussing, I think we are both left with more questions and fewer answers.  It has also left us both feeling a bit of uneasyness, trepidation and maybe wariness.

real life too

This is one of the many gardens we had at our previous house.  It wasn't a particularly large house or lot, but over the years we had lived there, we had worked to cultivate beautiful gardens all around the yard, right up to the house.   Actually, the gardens were my domain; I relaxed by working in them, I could sit for long periods of time studying and planning for the best conditions and places and plant choices, and I fretted when life or the weather interfered with keeping them healthy and maintained.  We are an outside oriented family so we enjoyed the gardens for a good part of the year, especially considering the climate.  

Over the time we lived in that community, we also cultivated a great number of connections, involvements, and very strong  friendships.  We were engaged in work with organizations, causes, schools, scouts, church, sports,  recreation and civic life.  We were woven into the community.  We derived help and support from those around us and we were able to contribute beyond ourselves in many ways.  I believe both of those are important gifts to be priveleged to receive. 

It was bittersweet to leave that house, our home; but i think that each of us has come to realize that it was just a house, that our home is in fact where our family is.  Community and engagement in the larger world around us are different.  Those are people, and cannot be replaced.  I miss them dearly, so do my husband and my children.  I am happy here in our new home, in my new job, the opportunities for each of us here are unique and exciting.  But there is a lonliness that  creeps in sometimes. There is a sense of being disconnected from the rich tapestry of life we were part of there, and a somtimes profound sense of missing our good friends. 

Our new house is comfortable, and quite lovely really, and we are working to make it feel like ours.  The lot is a bit small, but laid out in a charming way.  I am starting to see the potential.  As I learn the soil and the climate and the local plants, I will begin to cultivate an outdoor space for us here as well.  Likewise, we are slowly finding ways to make connections, to become involved, to cultivate friendships, to engage in the larger world around us.  That will take much more time than the gardens though. 

a thing i should have learned in kindergarten

There is a thing I probably was taught in kindergarten, but which I forget all the time: to be thankful for what I do have instead of wishing for something else. 

In a story, in a perfect world, in the faerie tale, he would want to take just exactly the things I most want to give, my desire to please him would be matched at every turn by his desire to be pleased, his sexual needs and fantasies would align precisely in counterpoint to mine.  Having my needs fullfilled isn't supposed to be fullfilling unless it just so happens to be exactly what he needs also. And I keep falling into the trap of thinking that anything less than the faerie tale just isn't good enough or is doomed to failure.   Because - you know - we do live in the land of once upon a time and far, far away. 

Focusing on not having the faerie tale keeps me from experiencing what I do have, and what I do have is a lot to be thankful for. If I can settle down enough to accept that he may want to give me what I want or need, even if it isn't a perfect fit to his desires, maybe then I will truly be able to give him what he wants. 

It's a sad day when i start pulling my sources of wisdom from the Stones, but it is turning out to be so true - .....you can't always get what you want........... but if you try sometimes you get what you need

beyond nerves

Something about writing my previous post triggered something in me.  It became evident that the things i wrote are not really the truth of how i feel.  They were at the time; they were the things i could identify as bothering me, what i wrote was my understanding of a deep uneasyness i was feeling. 

But almost as soon as i was fnished, i realized that was too simple. If I am really honest with myself, I don't think i am crazy, and, while i do feel i am in withdrawal, i don't really feel this is an unhealthy addiction i should avoid. 

But something is changing in me.  I have never had sexual fantasies, or any type of fantasy really.  Like I've said before, maybe something is broken in my mind.  But now i think maybe i have, and I've hidden them, even from myself.  I'm having flashes of recognition and deja vu: images and imaginings and especially traces of sensations from my skin intrude into my thoughts and seem very familiar and also shockingly new.  There are also ghosts of  feelings and emotions that i understand even less.

The deep uneasyness I had been feeling is becoming fear though.  I am afraid of what these new things mean.  I am afraid because my previous understanding was so far off, and I am afraid to see where this will lead me, lead us. 

For us to know each other and be honest with each other requires us to be honest with ourselves, for me to stop hiding.  This thing is clearly a deep part of me, and to share that with him, I need to discover and try to understand it.  I am scared to death though, that in the process, I will offend him, hurt him, resent him, or - the worst - find a place where we are not compatible, where I find a need that he is not able to fill.  I don't want to be faced with that.  Not because i don't want to have to choose between him and the fulfillment of that need.  I don't believe I could choose anything but him.  But I don't want to come face to face with that realization, how horrible for each of us in our own way to live with.

nerves

For a series of unavoidable reasons, there has not been an opportunity for us to have an intense physical time together in a very long time.  I don't know what to call it - i don't even know what euphamism to use.  But it comes down to pain.  Now I find myself very nervous about it.  If or when we are able to return to this, will i be able to?  How will i respond?  Was I crazy before?  Is this something that sounds good in my head, but in reality - well - what if it just plain hurts and that's all?   

I don't understand my body's response to pain - and even less so do i understand what happens in my head with it.  Not just with it - but now - without it.  It does feel like an addiction.  I don't (or didn't previosuly) think that I have an addiction prone personality.  Even chocolate is fairly moderated.  But pain I crave.  I want a fix, I dream of it, fantasize about it, feel my body and my mood go through withdrawal the longer I go without.  This isn't just not normal, I've come to terms with not normal.  But is it really an ok thing?

This makes me uneasy - I don't want to dress up a physical addiction to flooding my body with very nice neurotransmitters in a lot of fancy terms, and justify it by incorporating it into a new marriage dynamic.  The eventual outcome to that is too easy to predict.  Seeing it this way, the obvious choice is to walk away altogether, like refusing that first cigarette; quitting now is always easier than quitting later. 

On the other hand, is this a deeper part of myself?  Will i/would i function better if this part of me were addressed and developed?  Would it actually enhance our dynamic?  Is it what it feels like - a very strong and concrete expression of our differences, our duality, a way to both need and satisfy need, a form of communication, a way to connect, to establish and re-establish our relationship? 

There is the thought that this isn't my place to wonder, it's up to him.  I should have or not have, do or not do, whatever he decides.   Except that that isn't who or where we are - he wants to know my thoughts and feelings and reactions and fantasies.  Then he will decide.  But this thing - I really don't know and don't understand. 

if only i could hold onto it

All those different things I described in my last post, that submissive feeling - I really wish I could find a way to hold onto it. 

When he is out of town, I still handle all the things I need to handle, all the day to day stuff.  My routine and caring for my children, our home, my work, all still are seen to and taken care of.  Except for sleeping - I don't sleep when he is gone, and I am not a person who functions well on little sleep. 

But out of sight is indeed out of mind and his influence, his control, my feeling of balance and of being connected to him very much wane as he is gone.  I become a different me, in charge and efficient, businesslike and busy, even and especially with him when we do talk on the phone.  I end up being not particularly nice or loving, and certainly not submissive. 

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am so much better off with his control of me, with my needing him.  And I do wish I could float along in that very contented, slightly erotic, at peace, and submissive state of mind all the time.  In this case though, I believe that I need to find a way to keep myself pointed the right direction. No one can live in the sunshine and daisies all the time.  I need to remind myself that he is still who he is and I am me and our relationship is what it is, no matter the geography.  And I need to then act that way. 

that submissive feeling

Actually, I think there are a range of feelings I would say are submissive feelings for me, and I crave all of them. 

There is the shy, inward, warm, enveloped feeling I have when I stand in front of him with my head bowed into his chest.  This feeling draws me to him inexorably and feels like a flow of energy between us.  Small gestures throughout the day recall this feeling in a smaller way: putting his hand over mine or holding my hand as he drives, coming up behind me and holding the back of my neck just so, touching my face...

There is a similar feeling when I first see him after some time apart, or maybe when we are finally alone after being so much in the larger world.  It is tinged with nervousness or anxiousness, not anxiety, but anticipation, a sense of hopefullness, but not for anything specific.  It is the promise of being able to reconnect with him. 

There is a submissive feeling that comes from him caring for me, paying me attention or doing things for me.  This one is sometimes still a little uncomfortable.  It feels good to be cared for and I melt into it, but there is a small voice whispering that I shouldn't let him, or he shouldn't be doing that. 

Then there is the pussy clenching, heat rising, chest tightening feeling.  Maybe it's not submission, but it's certainly related.  It's not the same as arousal exactly, or maybe it is, just moreso.  It happens of course in obvious contexts: as he pushes me to my knees in front of him, or turns me face down on the edge of the bed; in fastening the leather cuffs; and as I wait in the position he likes, naked and exposed and available.  He can call up this feeling in me most anytime with just a whispered comment or veiled allusion.

But the same feeling comes from smaller, seemingly non-sexual sources: when he asks something of me, in that moment that I see the challenge and it's implications; being given a task, no matter how small, that is clearly just for his whim or desire, not for any purpose outside the two of us; and doing very small things that carry a great deal of significance, things that are so difficult because of their meaning, things like calling him Sir.  These produce a jumble of arousal, rebellion, quiet shyness, desire to please, and almost overwhelming desire to be close to him.  In short - I think, most of the elements of that submissive feeling.

sum or integrate?

My husband has a nasty case of poison ivy right now - or poison sumac, or poison something.  It's over most of the parts of him that weren't covered by shorts and t-shirt.  Most significantly, it's all over his hands.  He won't touch me, at least not there, or there; maybe there - just enough to apply something pinchy, you know - for fun. Of course, I can (will, do) see to his needs - no poisn ivy there!  The result of course is a fairly well satisfied (if a little itchy) him, and a crawling out of my skin, very wanting, un-satisfied me. 

We have also had an even longer lull in the time since we have been able to play.  Well - I call it play - sometimes it is playful and a really pleasant degree of pain, sensation, manipulation, etc.  At other times it is much more serious physical submission for me. Of course it is also sexual, but it is an awful lot more - as I am learning. 

We are starting to figure out the connections among the physical submission, and the sexual, and our everyday beings and interactions.  I think there is a lot more to explore and to learn about this, but we're starting to see it. 

Being frustrated sexually, being horny,  makes me a bit edgy and a little hyper and at the same time distracted.  But, like so many other contradictions in this whole thing, it also makes me feel controlled, cared for, useful and submissive. Not surprisingly, it makes me want to be near him, to touch him, to be intimately in contact with him.  Paradoxically, sex and being sastisfied sexually also make me feel closer to him and to want to maintain that contact. 

The edginess that comes from lacking physical submission is different.  It spirals and feeds on itself.  It sows doubt: self doubt and doubt in us, doubt in his interest.  It distances me from him, makes me want to avoid him.  It makes me move away from a submissive stance with him, often to an unpleasant or outright confrontational stance.  This impacts both of our moods as well as our interactions and thus the whole family. 

Over the past year we have explored a lot of new things.  We have slowly added elements to our lives and to our dynamic, or - as we added elements, it started to become a dynamic.  It started with my submission and his domination as an effective way to revive our sex life.  We added further ways to express that dynamic physically, then added ways to extend that to our interactions out of the bedroom.  I have to believe we will continue to add, and probably discard, elements as we go. 

I think though that at this point, we need to also find ways to integrate all the elements.  As it has become more and more apparent that all the elements impact all the aspects of our lives, it seems like we should try to take advantage of that. 
 

why do i have to make it so hard

Why does it feel like it has to be hard to count - to be real?

I was talking with a friend recently about why i stumble over the things i do, why some things are so hard for me to learn or why others aren't. Ironically, one of the things i have trouble accepting is that this doesn't have to be so hard.   When we have periods in which we are struggling, or it takes more work on my part to do my part, that feels right, feels like i think it should feel.  It's when things are humming along easily and we are deeply content, at peace, and doing my part feels natural, that I start to get uneasy. 

On one level, there is a part of me that feels that something is only worthwhile if it requires work, the harder it is to accomplish, the more work it takes, the more worthwhile it must be.  So i get caught in loops of making the interactions between us complicated and challenging and effortful; that way, they must be more meaningful and thus better.  It also means I earned it, I deserve the resultant success. I think my husband would argue that making our interacting as simple and streamlined and unified as possible would allow us to apply the effort and energy to the challenges outside of ourselves.  For me - I've always had trouble with the KISS principle. 

On another level, sometimes it hits in me in the face how dependent i have become on him.  I'm not dependent on him for survival or my day to day functioning or even higher level things, but emotionally I am very tied to him. When it strikes me how much i need him, want him, miss him, crave him, how easily i become out of balance without him, i get very scared. 

That is what is difficult, being so dependent on him for my emotional center - this makes me back off and part of backing off for me is finding different ways to serve, to do this thing, ways i come up with, ways i think should be the right way.  The ways i think it should be done are more challenging, more difficult, and, most importantly, they take the focus off of me and let it be on my actions or what i do or don't do.  They don't require openess or vulnerability from me; they certainly shift the roles - from me depending on him to him relying on me - and that is where i am comfortable.

As my friend put it to me...
what if I called him Sir and he called me girl and told me I was good and used me sexually and sometimes beat me for my own good or his fun. What if I handled all he wants me to do with grace and efficiency and presented a well run home and family. What if he took care of me, touched me, loved me and made my life easier with his containment and presence. What if all that happened and I just accepted it... what if

The "Sir" thing

One of the things about myself that I have told my husband is that I sometimes feel a strong desire to call him Sir. I honestly don't know how he feels about this, or would feel about it if i did.  His family was not formal and didn't use that honorific, even for grandparents.  Although he has taught our boys to use it appropriately in the larger world, they only use it at home, for him, if they sense they have crossed a line far enough that they need  any redemption they can muster.  I don't think he would have ever considered my calling him Sir, it just isn't part of his cultural vocabulary that way. 

For me, at times, it burns in my brain, but i can't get it out of my mouth.  It feels silly, or young, or contrived and artificial, or well - honestly, maybe more openly submissive than i can do. It has come now to feel like a scene in a tv show or movie -where one character wants to say "i love you" but has thought about it for too long, looked for the right time, completely overanalyzed it, so that it now has more baggage than actual meaning in her mind. 

It isn't a thing that has to be done - if he wanted it - I think he would say so.  Our communication has become more respectful and I find myself less and less prone to angry or snarky responses, even when I'm upset.  I'm not perfect (yet), but I am not niave enough to believe that i couldn't be angry or snarky even using the word "Sir."

If he were to demand it or even ask for it, i imagine i could do it.  I imagine it would clear things up, remove the mental blocks, and it would be done.  On the other hand, I also imagine that there would come times that it would be done somewhat grudgingly. Which means that it is all up to me - it will (or won't) happen because of what I feel or the meaning I attach to doing it.  I guess I need to figure that part out, or let go and just see what happens. 

talking

I know I'm not unique in this at all - but telling my husband my most intimate feelings and desires is very, very difficult.  I was able to bring my initial curiosity about (overwhelming hunger for) D/s to him via IM because it is fast, blunt, and keeps him at a mental distance.  He was in fact also physically 1000 miles away at the time, a fact that helped my courage, I'm sure.  Since then, we have worked to find a system of communication that works.  We have not been entirely successful.

I wouldn't have thought it could be so difficult - although the fact that i instinctively wanted to find a way to put my thoughts and feelings on paper or in a blog should have been a clue that some part of me knew that saying hard things face to face is just much harder. Clearly - he did realize that.


I gave him access to my emails, facebook, and chats (i can talk about why another day), and he does read this blog; he says he likes to keep tabs on my general frame of mind.  We have a private blog for more intimate, difficult or new things that come up.  It is one-way: I write to him, he may comment - or respond by email or in person, or not. I was/am inconsistant about using it. Many times, the effort of trying to put things into words was more than i would do, so i just didn't.  Sometimes i would feel  that I was writing into a void, that he didn't really care whether i wrote or not. As often as not, i let things go unsaid that probably should have been said. 

I want my husband to know me, i want to tell him the thoughts I have, and how I feel, and what has occured to me.  What i am learning is that i also want to be able to control that message very tightly.  I want to craft it and spin it and shape the way it is presented.  I can do all of that in writing, not as well as people who actually write well- but moreso certainly than face to face or under cross examination. 

My husbands's strong preference is and has always been for face to face, real, old-fashioned, talking.  Second choice would be by phone - if we are apart. Fairly early in ttwd, he started to expect me to talk to him when he asked questions, he wouldn't allow me to blow him off, as i often had.  He also expected me to really talk to him on the phone, instead of multi-tasking or grunting one word answers.   Most recently, in response to my kinda wild meltdown, he started something new.  Each night, as we go to bed, I have to tell him one thing about my thinking about my submission, several things if he has been out of town.  It has to be truthful, significant, and something he didn't already know.   And this is hard, so much harder than I would have ever imagined. 

I am finding that, as I write, I think about  the composition, the syntax, the appearance of the thing, how I want the point to come out.  When I tell him something face to face, the internal dialog is also about how it will sound, how it might be interpreted.  But, being there in front of him creates another backtalk in my head that my intention may not have been exactly what I had thought.  That voice questions my motivation for the initial message as well as whatever spin i am trying to put on it, and then I have to expain that also. 

Above and beyond all those convolutions, the fact he is demanding this of me, that it is such a personal subject, and the fact that I don't already know how he feels about the topic, make me feel small, silly, vulnerable, at risk of rejection or ridicule, and very, very submissive.  It is working: I tell him things I should, rather than let them sink back down into the murky depths somewhere; I examine my feelings and motivations more honestly; it reassures me that he cares very much about what i think; and it reinforces or re-establishes our dynamic in a small way at the end of each day. 

fantasy - or at least - non-reality

This is an entire area that is not at all worked out in my head.  It's a tough subject for me to even approach mentally; and I haven't been able to do more than peek at the inner workings yet.  That means that this post is more a statement of a problem than anything else. 

Somehow throughout my life I managed to avoid having sexual fantasies.  I don't know if my brain is deficient or if something happened to supress this part of me.  I am only now beginning to start to fantasize, and I'm pretty sure i'm not doing it right (that part is a little joke.)

I do experience cravings though.  They are very unformed and nebulous, but they are strong.  When I have these desires, wants, cravings, itches - whatever they are, it puts me quite out of sorts and recently into a tailspin.  I have trouble putting aside the things I imagine must be what I want or need.  I become convinced that this or this or that will satisfy me and put me straight again. 

Now that our relationship includes D/s, the sexual and personal and even the more mundane aspects of our interactions are all interwoven.  This means that my ideas and cravings etc are all jumbled up.  My reaction to this had been to form ideas about how our relationship *needed* to look or function.  A lot of talking has helped.  My husband has also started to change some things he does, or asks me to do, actually.  This one is going to take us (me) some time to face and work out.  But what I'm learning is that his way works. It isn't what i thought i wanted him to do, but it works, and it's better than what i had imagined.

what's real? what's important?

Two steps forward, one step back - or is it one step forward, two steps back - most of the time I would be thrilled for the two-to-one plan - quite often i have to count myself lucky to be at one-to-two and not worse. 

I don't know why I am susceptible to such bouts of irrationality, but when they happen, they completely skew my perceptions and my thinking.  Rather than stop and question why the world around me would have changed so suddenly to something so different than it was, I choose to believe the new way I see it all.

This happened last week, and by the time it all came to a head, I was convinced that my husband was finished with anything to do with D/s, that he had in fact never wanted it; I was prepared to go back to "just plain old married," and put everything else out of my mind.   He talked me off the ledge, but not at all by reassuring me on the things i was so upset about.  He was (to me, at the time - brutally) honest about his feelings about things.  He has, in fact, always been honest; his ideas and opinions have evolved, but not really changed. 

It forced me to look hard at how I view things, my expectations, and the way I operate, and it turns out, they all had some serious flaws.  In fact, it was a fairly perfect storm of screw-ups and serious mis-understandings on my part.  I've talked with a few people who have helped me regain perspective, and my husband and I talked about what happened over a few days and I think i'm starting to see both where I went wrong and how to try to change.   At the risk of seeming too much like a  grade school essay, there are three big areas in which I went wrong:
 1 - not paying attention to what he says and does to learn what he wants
 2 - thinking that the only real way to do this (or anything of consequence) is the way i think of it 
 3 - being reluctant to express my feelings/wants/wishes/fantasies

And what is obvious now but had to be pointed out to me is that all three have to do with letting go of control and cedeing it to him.  The leap I can't seem to make sometimes is that I don't trust he's going to pick up the control.  Of course, he's not going to wrestle me for it, so I have to let go first. 

He is an odd mix, or maybe not, but he is steadfastly who he is.  He has always known I would do what he asked me to, but has always reserved that for the things he feels are most important.  As far as I understand what he says, he has strong ideas about what he wants from me: he wants to see that I am happy, that I excel at the things I do, that I am confident (a big issue for me).  He also feels strongly about having a warm, inviting, peaceful home, that is a refuge for our family and lets us thrive.  He wants me on my toes and he wants me to keep him on his.  He wants to guide me and doesn't mind manipulating things to push me.

Something I have always admired about him is that he has a vision of what he wants and is able to keep that foremost in his mind and make sure that all efforts are towards that end.  What i hadn't realized was just how much I factor into his vision.  I hadn't realized that he was invested in or really gave much thought to me as an individual, beyond my roles in the family.  I'm still coming to terms with this.

I had gotten very caught up in how i thought our relationship, our dynamic *should* look.  I was upset, disappointed, and frustrated that he wasn't picking up on what i was saying, particularly that he wasn't implementing what I wanted.  Somehow i believed that the ideas i had were, if not the only way, then at least the best and most obviously right way to be.  He let me in on his vision and some of the things he has been doing recently towards the goal of a happily humming along wife and family.  These looked very little like my mental preconceptions, but had worked really, really well towards his goal.  And I had been so wrapped up in my own internal dialog that i had mostly missed it. 

I had trouble seeing that what i thought i wanted, craved or desired were really fantasies (well - maybe much more mundane daydreams or reveries than terribly interesting fantasies).  I think i will write separately about that part of my learning this time around. 

communications breakdown

I try very hard not to put anything (thoughts mostly) on here that would surprise my husband, things I haven't told him about or already brought to him. I have always been honest with him - but communication between us has certainly had a certain level of superficiality.  There were often things that happened in my life, or feelings or opinions or crazy thoughts that I would share with certain friends or with my sister, but not with him.  It happened more than a few times that he would learn of fairly big occurrences or decisions I had made through others rather than from me first.  I know this really bothered him, I can picture the look of hurt on his face from more than one occasion.  I've changed that, I make sure he is the first to know about the bigger things in my life now.   

I would say that the biggest and hardest change between us over the past year has been in communication. My strong instinct when I'm angry or distraught is to shut down.  It is infuriating to have him poke and prod at me to get me to talk to him in these times, and it's a huge struggle between us, and within myself, to put into words all the feelings when I'm upset. 

Talking to him about what I want, what I like, what I feel like I need has been very difficult also.  There are a lot of layers and levels of intimacy to this.  Telling him I wanted to submit sexually was a huge step, admitting that I crave pain was another. Moving the D/s into the other aspects of our lives has tripped me up as I find mental blocks competing with what I feel like I might really thrive with.  Along the way, I have struggled with each new step, each new layer that I thought I could or should keep to myself, but discovered I couldn't or shouldn't.  It sounds so simple and straightforward, the idea of sharing everything, but it just isn't, at least for me.

I will, of course, answer his questions, as well and as honestly as I can.  But what about the things he has no idea are there, no way to know to ask about? There are a lot of things I want him to know, or more accurately, I want him to ask about because I'm not confident enough to bring them up on my own. But how can he know to ask?  Or, how can I guess what he would or would not want to know in order to volunteer that information? 

We have tried me keeping a journal with only some success.  I am tripped up on knowing that I don't think it's right to expect him to read it on my schedule, or to provide instant or even any feedbck to me; but on the other hand, writing with no idea if he reads it, or wants to, makes it hard to keep doing, and not knowing what he thinks about the quality, the effort, or the content makes it very scary to work to reveal the hard things.  This had gotten to the point that I just stopped writing, and very much backed off of communicating well at all.  Somewhere there is an answer for this, a balance that will work for each of us. 

This week I am trying to throw caution and all my better instincts out and just write what i feel.  I don't know if it will help us figure out the best way for us, logistically or emotionally. But below are some of the things I have written to him this week about, well, about writing to him: 

There are a lot of reasons for me to not write to you like this:
     you are really, really busy, over whelmed and i can't even imagine how you are keeping up - what i want to say just isn't as pressing
     we have never needed/wanted/tried to communicate this deeply - we've always communicated fairly well - but with a definite limit to how deep each of us went - unless something big happened
     this is new for both of us - i think it will/should require more in depth than we are used to - but i really don't know what it should really look like - for one thing - it seems like it is not more one sided - but i think each of our sides will end up looking much more different from each other than they had before
     i also really just don't know how much you want to know
     i also don't want to feel like i'm leading you - feeding you ideas "please do this - i want this" just doesn't seem right
in the end - i do have a lot of thoughts - not everyday - they come in spurts - but i do feel like it is probably important for you to know where my head is in general



    what i do say to you does get greatly censored - and not just in a 'bite my tongue - be respectful' way - but what i think you may or may not want to hear - what i think you will or won't agree with or care about or be interested in or whatever
     i think it will take time and practice for me to get beyond the self censoring - that and probably feedback from you about what and how much and that you can handle it all - want to hear it - it matters, etc...
     i don't expect instant answers or action or discussion of what i write - but i do think that a " i got it" or "i didn't hear from you today" or for a few days or whatever would help me know i should continue or not (see below)
    also - in the end - i will feel more ok to do this if you tell me you want me to - and hold to that - maybe not in a rule/punishment/task kind of way - but somehow, something that lets me know you want me to and expect me to -


     I'm sending this now - I know you are busy right now.  (The option is for me to wait and send it when i think its a good time for you. But that is me deciding and not trusting you to handle things and maybe even manipulating the whole thing.)
     I have a really hard time writing or saying anything to you that sounds like criticism. I do get frustrated with certain things, but I haven't felt critical. I do however still feel very unresolved about this whole communication thing, which actually means that i feel very unresolved about the whole thing.
     I will try writing this week - no matter what, and see how that goes for me. I know that i won't keep writing into a void though. It is pointless and makes me feel like a fool.


This is the really risky part for me - to say this to you - because it may well make you angry, or defensive - or you may think i'm wrong to feel this way. i have no idea - and in the past i would really try to keep these things to myself - that may be my emotions or silliness or which may upset you - i would try to suck it up and ignore it unless it got really big -

but i'll try this this week and see - I will risk trying to tell you what i'm feeling, deeper and more honestly - please remember what a risk it is for me.

I am reluctant to say certain things that I think about often - partly because i worry what you would think of me for it, and also because i want you to have the idea on your own - so that i am sure it is really your idea, what you really want - so i can have no doubt that you aren't just doing what i want or what you think i want. Or worse yet, if you would like something - and i've mentioned it - now you're reluctant to do it because i suggested it - you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I know this comes down to a level of trust on my part - but i'm not sure how to get there.


This is a lot of words - I wonder if that's part of the issue???