nervous energy

I've been feeling very, very un-submissive recently.  I don't walk around in a submissive haze typically, but something has been off.  My impulse whenever he asks me or tells me to do something - is to laugh - not laugh in his face defy him, and not quite a nervous giggle - but somewhere in between.

I feel a little like my emotions have had too much coffee.  They're just a little tightly wound and not soft or compliant.  I'm a pretty busy person normally - not fidgety or one big ball of energy - but my mind is always going and i'm more of a do-er than a sit and watch-er.  He wants me as I am generally, but with him, alone, he really likes soft and compliant too.

I've been going with the 'fake-it-til-you-make-it' method - trying to hide the storm under the surface and just doing what i need to - leaking a little -  a little more sass than usual, some resistance not exactly when he would want it -  but trying to comply anyhow.

Then i bit him.  He really, really does not want to be bitten, it's a big off-limits.  He made that very clear, immediately. And I burst into tears, sobbing.

He adjusted his tack a little while still reinforcing the no-biting, that was totally unacceptable, lesson.  And after, we talked.  He wasn't excited about the idea that I've been doing as he wants out of a sense of obligation to a promise i made.  And i tried to explain that it isn't exactly that - I want to be his, i want to be as he wants me, but my head isn't cooperating.   He asked me what i am feeling - the only thing i could come up with was nervous energy - emotionally pacing back and forth, jumpy.   I tried to explain 'just doing until things go back to the way they belong.'

It doesn't feel like i've felt in the past when i just want to feel him more, when i need the leash shorter, but i think that's what is likely to happen.  And likely it's what i need.

little big things

Sometimes he affects me in ways that I don't think he realizes.  Most of the time I'm wrong; he does realize.

I don't think i have the right personality (meaning i am too insecure in many areas) to be an emotional masochist in the ways i understand it.  I would never survive, i would be crushed irreparably, if he insulted me in ways i thought he meant as true insults, or threatened to withdraw - really withdraw, or did anything to make me think he truly didn't love or want me.  I know this is an incredibly subtle distinction given that he beats me and calls me names and makes fun of me and uses selective withdrawing to correct my behavior.  Context is absolutely everything.

But he plays it just right. He uses some of my deepest insecurities and plays just with the edges of them.  And not just plays with them: he makes me continue to do or to face the thing, to continue to be the way that is very shaky for me. Without discussion, reassurance or even acknowledgement that is what he's doing.  That's part of the insecurity and part of the challenge - I have to believe he knows what he's doing and that he's intentionally doing it and that it's how he wants me to be.  I have to trust that this is me submitting and not just him being an ass.   It's all completely specific to me: likely anyone else would not even notice, or think me a huge baby.  But they have a big impact on me.

It's the same with some physical things.  To say i am insecure about my body would be the understatement of the century.  Logic would say that he would not do anything to push that.  And he does build me up in all the ways a husband does - he loves my body - even if i don't.  But he owns my body along with the rest of me, and he doesn't shy away from that.

Limb lopping is hypothetical and ridiculous (certainly for us), to the point of being meaningless as a discussion.  Toying with perhaps more realistic hypotheticals however is hot - he teases me with the idea of nipple piercings, is fascinated by fire play....  Again - context is everything - i know those would be so boring to others.  Controlling my dress or hairstyle, having me get tattoos or piercings, those are things i think i would find appealing, would make me feel submissive.

Instead,  he does small things to my body that i would put a stop to if we were different.  For example, the canings are leaving discolored, rough, hard areas on my ass - not something that goes away with lotion - but a visible, tactile, not so nice, not at all what you would want, area on each cheek.  It has to be less attractive than the pre- version, less attractive on a person who has pretty deep insecurities about my attractiveness. I've pointed this out - in case he hadn't noticed.  He treats it like just like he does the more mental things: he doesn't discuss or acknowledge it.   He looks at my ass a whole lot more often than i do and i have to trust that he wants it this way.

These are little things -  but they hit a very specific spot for me.  I think that's part of his dominance - has always been it for him -  he sets the pace and the tone and it isn't usually grand, sweeping gestures - it's things that are intimately and specifically aimed at challenging me.

resistance is.........

FUTILE, always, ultimately

PHYSICAL - turning away, closing my legs, pulling against the restraints, pushing him away

FUN - for both of us, in different ways, but not always at the same times.  He tells me he likes it when i try to fight back; whispers it in my ear, goads me with it.

FRANTIC - I have a feeling that he starts having his fun at the point that I begin to move from fun to just a little bit fearful

More FAR-REACHING  - resistance can also be mental: it can be disobedience, or hesitance, or reluctance, or surliness, or silliness.  He teases and goads me to try to resist him, but he also tells me he wants me compliant, obedient....

FRUSTRATING - for him, or maybe that's not quite the right word - exasperating, incomprehensible maybe, or maybe it really is just frustrating.  Because i resist in many ways - i disobey (temporarily), I hesitate, I'm surly, I'm silly, i try to talk my way out of things...

My FALLBACK more often than it should be.  I truly do worry that compliant will get boring very quickly.  That he will lose interest once he has me so easily (in all the ways).  The well broken in horse, or pair of shoes for that matter, may be useful and reliable, comfortable, but they aren't interesting, or desirable.
 
A FRONT sometimes - because - see above.  And because he says he likes it when i try to resist, and he says he wants me compliant - and I can't be both, so i choose to believe he really wants the former and not the latter.

FUTILE - none-the-less, but still very confusing.

counting

He still canes me daily - the number of the date, although he keeps threatening that next year he will start at one and add another each day till 365....

His new twist is that i'm not allowed to count.  I guess i don't accept it or respond the way he would like when i know how many are left.  I do (did) find myself more gritting it out than letting it happen. Maybe that's what he meant.

Not counting though is like asking someone to see words and not read them.  I had to use tricks to keep myself off the count - loudly (in my head), "3, 10, 4, 2, 8, 8, ......."  Which kept me from knowing how many had finished and how many were left, but still I was more toughing it out than anything else.  Although, if there were enough dates, i would eventually let go and open up to it.

Oddly, when it's not the date/maintenance caning, when it's whatever impact because that's what we do  - i never count.  He always has a number in mind, and (apparently) we always get to that number.  But since i never know what that number is, I stopped counting a long time ago.  [I wonder if he knows this????]

This morning (with 4 or 5 days of catching up to do), i discovered that i didn't count at all, didn't use any tricks, my mind was just there and open from the start.  I wonder if he knew that too???

upset about him watching porn

He works for a company that provides his phone and his computer.  That's so they can have their firewalls, security and monitoring stuff running.  Fair enough i suppose - it's hardly the Defense Department or anything - but i can see that they would want their secrets maintained and systems un-infected.

He isn't crazy about the idea of some of the sites he visits coming up in a review.  So he never accesses 'those kinds of sites' from his company devices.  Also fair enough - not their business and just not worth the hassle to defend or explain.

So he has a tablet to use to access, among other things, my blog - and porn.

Except the other day he informed me that the company will be issuing him a tablet also - all the workers really - so they can appear connected, agile and 21st century I suppose.  Also to be outfitted with firewalls and very expansive/intrusive monitoring software.  Great - for work applications - monitor away, your device, your right.

But this means - at least to me, in my mind - that he will no longer use his tablet, the one and only device from which he accesses my blog, and porn.

My blog i could probably get over - maybe it's run its course and a new method of communicating would fit better for us anyhow - except that - as long as he travels - that would still need to be electronic.

Porn is the real issue for me.  As he pointed out, "You are the only woman I can think of who is so upset (and i was - very upset) about the prospect of her husband watching LESS porn."

Well - yea - but.......

I love that he has a dirty mind, I love that he has desires to expand his dirty mind, I love being the beneficiary of that expansive dirty mind, and I really love getting to see/feel/experience whatever new thing he has stumbled across and decided he likes enough to try.  I don't look like a porn star - and fake, impossible staging, acting, etc aside, I like being able to let him play out things that intrigue him.  I really like that in fact.  I like thinking about him watching something and imagining really being able to carry it out - not just wishing 'if only.'  

We don't talk about his side of things much - so this is largely me imagining how he feels - but i've seen the evil, silly grin often enough to believe he likes it well enough too.

Not sure what will happen now.....  He says he will continue to have and use (carry on planes) two tablets.  I think i'm supposed to believe him and not worry about all this.

what he wants

I've used this title before i think.  It's a mantra i use sometimes - when my head tries to go places that aren't productive or helpful.  It started when i used to worry that he didn't really want to spank/torture/use/torment/hurt/fill-in-the-blank me, that he was just doing it because i wanted it.

I actually don't think that anymore - he loves all that and more, and i couldn't be happier - well - except when i'm crying - cuz i'm a masochist who actually cries when things hurt. 

But i do still feel I'm less than: less than submissive/slave/dependent/pretty/flirty/girly /solicitous/meek/demure/fill-in-the-blank enough at times.  

It's kind of a running joke here - he won't let me into bed until he feels i'm being 'demure' - it's funny because i'm not sure i would recognize demure if i stepped in it.  He wants me submissive - and he has in mind what that looks like to him - and it very rarely looks like what the world thinks of as demure.  

But that's the key - 'what he wants.'

I get caught up in what i think submissive (for him - an adjective, describing a desirable state of being for me to be in, the more so the better) or slave, or whatever, must be.  That's been my struggle recently - i think i should be meek, a touch helpless, or needy, or girly, or anxious, or quiet, or servile or - well - whatever it is that i am not at that moment.  Then i'm sure i'm doing it all wrong, "i'm just not right for the part in the first place, it's all a big misunderstanding - you would be far better off with one of those other ones over there - look - she's so meek/helpless/quiet/pretty/needy/f*ing DEMURE........."

Like i said - he does have in mind what submissive looks like to him - and the exact picture adapts to the moment of course, but the overall, big picture is not meek, or deferential, or dependent or helpless, or even demure.  Big picture - he wants me to be confident, optimistic, self reliant, to soar, to excel, to spread my wings.  He wants to be impressed by me and proud of the things i accomplish. Ok - so that's a pretty grandiose image - but i think he would agree with the sentiment if not the hyperbole.  Of course, he also likes soft, and compliant, and open, and vulnerable - you know - the good stuff.

Lately i've been stuck in my own box, that i built, in my own head.  My thinking being that  I can't excel or be self-reliant or accomplish and do stuff  - and really be submissive.  That i should pretend or act a bit flummoxed or maybe lost, tone it down a bit..... Sort of like playing dumb to get the boys in high school (I sucked at that too).  

Being me doesn't fit well with the image in my head of submissive, much less slave.  I guess that's a big part of why 'slave' doesn't completely fit.  In the end - i don't live only for, by, and through him.  I have however given all of me to him, however he wants me, for as long as he wants me.   And that's What He Wants.  

And - Owned does fit better - I'm His, What He Wants.  

Note to JZ - this one wrote really fast. 

click

It's a process - i used to think there was a goal and an endpoint - but that's very clearly not so

I've been so conflicted - unable to reconcile two incredibly distinct parts of myself, so afraid i would need to give up one or the other piece of the whole

I'm starting to see how it can work, how i can move forward, take it deeper, dedicate myself wholly to both parts

And it's a palpable relief, a constant weight lifted, and a joy i've been missing

responding poorly

I wear a collar - except it's a very, very ordinary necklace.  It has that meaning to the two of us:  taking it off would be asking for my release or him releasing me.  But it wouldn't give the least hint of 'collar' to even someone who was looking for it.  It certainly doesn't intrude on my consciousness, but i do reach for it and fiddle with it when i'm thinking, or especially when i'm pondering Us or Him or aspects of our relationship, or - you know - when i'm horny.

Recently he presented me with a bracelet.  He said he wanted me to have something that he could have me wear when he wanted me to be more explicitly aware and mindful of our dynamic, something that would perhaps intrude on my consciousness. This bracelet is wider and leather, with metal bits, and a D ring and another point of attachment on the back. I quite like the look, a little Mad Max, maybe steampunk, I'm not really a delicate, fine jewelry kind of girl.  It is however unmistakably BDSM.  It's more a pretty cuff than an interesting bracelet.

And when he gave it to me - i said so, I pointed out that anyone who has any inkling will recognize it immediately for what it is.   I balked.  I didn't receive it well, i responded with my first thoughts and impulse rather than paying attention to him and what he was asking.  He listened to me, he didn't get upset.  He even asked if it would feel less exposing if he took the D ring off.

And I've felt awkward and sorry about it ever since.  It's not even a matter of "my husband tried to do something nice for me and i shot him down" though i guess it's that too.  I didn't listen to him and keep myself open to doing what he asked.  He asked me to do something a bit challenging, something a little out of my comfort, that carries just a little risk of embarrassment or awkwardness for me - but not real risk of real harm.  And i didn't obey, i argued.

It seems silly to write it now - it's a fairly small thing - our lives go on.  But he's been moving us, changing expectations and shifting, deepening the everyday parts of our dynamic.  It's subtle; he doesn't tell me what or when, there's no list or explanation of the new rules or ways to be.  I have to pay attention and play catch up.  And with this, i didn't catch up at all.

Level 1: How You Live.

I ran across this series of questions on Sofia's blog.  She pinged back to this blog, Our Master/slave journey.    The questions were, apparently, originally posed on Fetlife, but I don't have access to that so i'm citing the secondary sources.  I'm not sure why they are called "levels" but I'm keeping the format as much as possible.  

He and i haven't had some of these discussions explicitly and the series of questions seemed like a really useful way for us to start conversations and to see if we are on the same page - it has happened before that we aren't.  

Level 1: How You Live. Who steers the overall course of your lives? Who decides where each of you will live, how each of you will be educated, and what each of you will do for a living? Who has decision-making authority over money, major purchases (house, car, boat), and vacations?

Parts of this questions don't quite fit.  We were married a long time before we became whatever it is we are now.  We were already educated, working, had kids, living together, and settled where we were...  We had already made most of the big purchases - car, house, etc.,  The big decisions were made together i guess.  We mostly did whatever made the most sense for the us, eventually for the family.  

Big picture, i have always done a lot of flexing, bending, scrambling and working to accommodate what he needs to do to keep and succeed at his job.  Of course, his job supports us. On the other hand, he has worked hard and actively put up with a good deal to allow me to pursue my career - including moving across the country.

I don't feel like our 'system' has changed.  He has always managed finances.  I have a good idea what we can spend - and i am a sensible girl and not a big spender in any case, so i have no allowance or restrictions.  Big decisions get made together (vacations, travel/schedules, new car when it became necessary, work on the house, the usual life things).  He defers to me on decorating and landscaping because he hates those decisions.  I defer to him on bigger finance stuff, home maintenance and most car stuff because he will do what he will do anyhow.  Mostly that stuff just kind of flows - I defer to him at times, and i know that he goes my way at times, whether he sees my point or doesn't feel as strongly about it, or whatever.

I will say that the overall mindset i feel is that he makes the final call, though i don't think that was any different before ttwd.  I think he has always been good at managing me, whether i was aware of it or not.  And i think he very much makes decisions based on the good of our family and not his own ego.  That hasn't changed.  In the end - if it were clear that i needed to change or give something up for the good of our family - or even just for Him - I would.  But  he would do the same if needed.  I haven't been faced with being asked to change or give something up at this level just because he wants it that way; he has never asked anything like that of me.  In theory he could, but it hasn't happened.

One area we do have difficulty at times is in decisions about our kids - how to handle different aspects of raising them, how to approach them in different things, what to do in crises.  We want the same things for them, but neither of us has all the right answers, and we both know that.  Our instincts about them are sometimes different from one another.  We talk and talk and talk, (ok - i cry sometimes).  In the end, if he feels strongly enough about something to say he wants a certain thing done or not done - i go along with that.  I'm not sure that's any different because of a power exchange though.

David

He was one of the first people to comment on my very first post when i began blogging.  It was an encouraging and personal comment: he revealed just a bit about himself and his humanity in order to reassure me in my start.  It was classic David.

Over the years he continued to comment occasionally.  We emailed and eventually chatted every once in awhile.  He was, in my very limited and virtual experience of him, a consummate gentleman. He was polite, with a tinge of formal, but more than anything else he was about sharing ideas.  There was never an, "I think this is the way....,"  or, "You should think/do/believe this....."  He offered his views, accepted mine, and opened the way organically for conversation and consideration.

It had been quite a long time since i had last chatted with him, and his comments and his own posts to his blog had become much further between.  That seems to be the natural order of these things.  I did know that he had developed a special friendship with one blogger in particular.  It was so very evident how much they cared for each other, and how much his style, his mentoring, his friendship meant to her and was good for her.

David passed away a few weeks ago.  Hearing of his death, my first thoughts were for her loss, the anguish she surely must be experiencing.  But also, I thought of the unique and important voice this community has lost.

She's doing it again......

And it's a good thing.    If you want to do it too, details are below!

   --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2014 will be the Five Year Anniversary of the Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza ... (the crowd cheers)... and we'd love for you to join us in the fun! 

The rules are simple. Just post a recipe for a holiday goodie on Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2014.

(The name isn't strictly accurate. We welcome all types of goodies.)

Anyone is welcome to join in ... but

    There's One Condition:

If you want your blog to show up in the official list of participant links, you MUST contact me (Jz) by Monday, Dec. 9, with both your name and the URL of your blog. 

a first ever

This is the so innocent looking, cute little magnet thingys.........

so innocent looking

4 tiny balls of steel - a little smaller than marbles, a little bigger than bb's, apparently with magnets inside....

On my nipples first, each one pinched between two, so innocent looking...  "look, shiny, won't that be cute when they're on?"  I don't ever really do this - but i screamed and panicked so much he took them right back off.

Then just behind my nipples, they pushed the nipples out making them longer, flushed, the tips so, so sensitive - i never care about the view of my own body, never look at myself unless i have to, but i kind of liked the way this looked.  And the sensation -  aahhhh - perfect - a little pressure, a pinch, a very slowly dawning pain.  It mixed perfectly with the other things he was doing to me.

I have no idea how long they were on, he was distracting me very effectively.  But HOLY HELL - when he did take them off - not like the panic when he first tried them - but very, very intense, deep, grabbed all the far reaches of my brain and focused all of me on those two spots, and made me fight for enough control to not scream again.  THAT. HURT!

But the orgasm after..............parts of me liked it all well enough......

that old cliche

The one about be careful what you wish for....

Or maybe the one about asking and receiving....


I was eventually able to explain what was in my head.  To ask.  He reassured me - sternly - I'm not even sure how that works.

He has changed things and in ways I hadn't expected.  Day to day things, interactions things, expectations.  And I'm not necessarily meeting expectations well, I'm outright screwing up sometimes in fact.  I'm a little off balance and that makes me less complacent and more attentive to him.  It pushes me a little.  Oddly - it makes me feel more secure.

And he has found times and ways to scratch my darker itches too.  I still don't understand why those desires wax and wane the way they do.  But being pushed physically and mentally, suffering and enduring instead of floating off into subspace and happy orgasms....sometimes I just need that.

I've had too many conversations in my head and with him about this feeling like service topping, or me demanding/him doing.  I have to let that go and accept that part of what was opened up in me with all this was needs and desires i hadn't allowed before.  He wants this part of me, he wants my needs and desires and he wants me open to him - so he accepts responsibility for this part of me too.

 

first time in a long time

For the first time in a long time i was overcome - completely devastated and crushed - by the feeling that the things i crave are too much, too wrong, too twisted, and too far.

I don't understand why i go through the phases i seem to do - being female ain't really so grand sometimes.

But i do - and sometimes those cycles take me down the rabbit hole of overwhelming desire for the very dark.

If he has cycles, if he has desires, whatever he imagines or fantasizes about - he doesn't share with me, so i have no idea.

This time was bad.  I fell apart because - well - because it was too much.  I was sure he would be appalled, disgusted, disappointed.    I have no right to ask him to come down this rabbit hole with me.
I still don't understand why i'm wired this way, still am not sure it's a good thing.  And i still don't know how to handle this part of this particular  roller coaster.

5 years

A little over 5 years ago I stumbled onto (into?) something totally new.  The feelings and the way my mind and my body responded completely rocked me.  I know that sounds stupid: everyone these days has heard of BDSM, it's everywhere.  Five years ago I hadn't.  I did, though, have some pretty deep seated blocks when it came to sex and power and control.  I was very much closed off and unto myself.

I wanted this thing I had discovered.  No - I responded to this, and what I wanted a great deal was to respond - to him.  

He's not a prude, nor did I really think he would dismiss me or consider me sick or immoral.  But I was terrified that such a huge change would drive him away, that it wouldn't work for us and that the regrets and the failure would be too much to overcome.  

But we moved forward.  Over the past 5 years as we moved from bedroom to 24/7, I've wondered and reflected and worried and feared and thought myself in circles over things.  I know he has considered things too; though, what he shares with me generally gets summed up as, "Any hole, any time."  

The wanting isn't as all consuming as it was early on, but it's still often there and often very strong.  I want to respond to him.  The difference is that now I know I do, and I know it's not just my body - my mind and my being look to him.  It's a palpable feeling this desire to submit to him.  And when he grabs that desire and plays with it, uses it, turns it around and stretches it to his desire - it's a glorious feeling.  

I don't know where the next 5 or 10 or 30 years will take us.  I worry that this thing that we've found that seems to suit us both so well will fade away.  Can it really last with outside pressures and life changes and our bodies aren't getting any younger and - well - everything?

I haven't reached perfect submission yet.  I still find myself testing and poking and balking at surprising times.  I wish the reins were tighter here, maybe looser there, or that he would just pull out the (metaphorical) whip and really take control.

One of the few overarching, more abstract rules he has for me is that I try to be optimistic, to see the possibility and not the negative in things.  It's a rule because it's not easy for me sometimes.  The chance I took (and that he took also) 5 years ago has been so worthwhile.  I hope we continue to take the right kinds of chances.  

want-y

I would say needy - but i could and likely will be denied - and will survive - but will want all the more...

I'm allowed to touch, just not allowed to come..... my fingers swirl around my nipples, brushing across the tops, over my sweatshirt, blunting the sensation but making me reach for it at the same time, then my t-shirt - more sensation, more yearning, then skin - i catch my breath and my pussy clenches uselessly..... i can pinch and twist a bit, but i can't recreate the feeling i really want - i want his hands, i want him to stroke, tease, just brush across the top, leaving me hoping, thrusting myself into his hands, encouraging him to pinch, twist, pull, to cup my breast with his whole hand, possessive but reverent, then to squeeze viciously, to maul and slap.....to posses what is his.  I can feel myself surrendering to this, more so than the simple physical arousal and desire - which are overwhelming to be sure - but the desire to be possessed, the physical that is really so, so much more.

disappearing act

Specifically me - so in this case - not really an act...

I'm just not around much, and not likely to be a great deal in the near future - life, cycles, the natural order of things, distractions elsewhere - nothing big, nothing bad, just life.



Disappearing act of a different kind though.....

Let's just say that the very pretty, heavy steel plug that he likes me to wear just around - isn't designed to be used while being vigorously fucked.  I was pretty far gone, i remember it going in at some point - then what felt like hours of being thoroughly used - then some quiet time after, basking - then i was cleaning up.  Except no plug to be found - anywhere, not in the bed, or on the floor, or under the bed, only one possibility left - yup - that pretty glass top/flange is purely decorative, not at all functional.

tori's room 101

Well - not really tori's - but she started the idea and it is an intriguing one.  See hers here.

So - three things i would want to put in a room to have never reappear - ever.

The first one is easy - this - his tongue anywhere near my ears - or his mouth, or maybe even his hands - i just can't begin to say how much i really can't stand this one.

Two more is a bit harder though and thinking about it took me down a path - one I've been down before, but it's not necessarily a good path.

The thing is - i'm not sure there are things he likes that i don't - or wouldn't.  I often feel like my desires are huge and his are somewhat more narrow.  And it feels like a sacrilege to say so.

I can't think of anything he's tried (except the tongue/ear thing) that i would choose to put away for good.  There is a particular wooden paddle that i DO NOT appreciate in the same way he does - at all - but he loves it and frankly it's good for me (as in, constructive, not as in pleasant) sometimes.

There are a few things he has tried that he has no interest in revisiting - his prerogative.  It makes me wobbly in a not good way if I feel like he does things to cater to my wishes - so it's far better if he chooses and i don't get to.

Then there are the million things he hasn't tried - lots of them i think i might love, some i think i wouldn't like at all, but then i get that feeling there....  In the actual real world though, odds are i couldn't handle half of what makes me hot to read or think about, and half of what's left i would likely hate the reality of.

It does feel like a criticism or a 'just not said thing' to say that i sometimes feel like our kinks aren't perfectly matched - or - worse - to feel like i'm implying that he's not kinky enough, or sadist enough, or whatever enough for me.

I am sometimes like a kid in a candy store - i want that, and that, and lots of that... and really - parents don't send their kids to the candy store with more than a very little money to spend - it keeps the kids safe from themselves.  Yes - I'm an adult - but in this case, i'm safe from myself, i can let go and indulge in my mind precisely because i'm protected from actually getting what i think i want.

So - only one known thing to put in room 101.  And no hypotheticals i can think of to put in - at least not without getting into the realm of the absurd.

On a less kinky - more serious note - I would put into the room things i really don't want him to do:  I would be devastated if he abandoned me - just walked away - literally of course - but also metaphorically.  Along those lines - i need for him to be solid - not to waiver.  I need to be deeply certain that he is in charge and that he wants me to follow.  i need to know that, no matter what i think i want, we will do exactly what he wants.

mine

You're mine, I own you.....

Within societies, throughout history, across cultures -

A construct that causes oppression, destruction, injustice, and abuse on a grand scale and encourages it, condones it and looks the other way between individuals.




You're mine, I own you...

Between two people, the right two people -

A most powerful, overwhelming, and loving way to be.  A statement of simple fact that slays me, melts me, draws me in, and raises me up all at the same time.

The flip side

Literally and more figuratively...

When he wants to play with pain, it usually involves my backside, and usually involves impact - which - well - i happen to be all on board with.  It often progresses from there and the front side eventually gets its attention too, but there is something very primal about being face down - whether tied or just ordered there.  I can't see him and i know he can't see my face, i'm disconnected from him a bit, there's the edge of objectification vs. a face to face struggle.  I have to listen more, but my mind can float more easily being not tethered to him so directly.

This time though he tied me on my back and blindfolded me - the blindfold was important i think.  I had no idea what was coming - the same kind of impact he usually likes - my ass, my back, even my thighs can take that - but i'm not so sure at all about my frontside parts surviving that.  I suppose that's why the instinct is to curl up and protect the soft underbelly and let the back take whatever's coming.  This felt much more vulnerable   I also couldn't see his face to gauge what he might have in mind.  I was facing him, i wanted to connect with him, i should be connected to him in that way in this position.  It kept me following him with my mind, attending to him rather than floating off - well, that and the fear.

Instead of impact though, he focused on other sensations - lots of clothespins, clamps, and the prickly wheel thing that mixes tickling with pain and makes my skin crawl  - evil.  Slow and methodical, every part held open and unprotected.



A few days later a lot of pieces of things that had been floating around in my head, things just out of my awareness i think, came together.  I came to bed wanting him very much, and without the self-consciousness that usually tinges my bedtime routine.  Actually - I didn't just want him.  I very much wanted to give myself to him, to open to him, to be his.  It occurred to me, as i climbed into bed, then tried to crawl inside his skin, as I melted completely into him and felt him reach out and envelope me, felt him accept my surrender to him, that being his is all the pieces of our lives.

It's not just the things that seem M/s, the things i often think i am missing or need more of, that bind us this way, though they are absolutely part of it all: service, obedience, expectations, use...  We didn't have this kind of intimacy or depth, i never knew this kind of wanting existed, until we figured out what it really means for him to own me, for me to surrender to him.

But, the flip side, part of the thoughts just out of reach in my head, is that we have this because of the day to day also.  We work towards common goals, we struggle together, we are patient with each other, we lose patience with each other, we hurt with and for each other, we celebrate each other, we joke and tease each other, we dream about our future together.

The fantasy of the detached, somewhat cold and harsh, demanding and stern Master, and the slave with the edge of nervousness and eagerness to please, the dynamic that is pure Dominance on one side and pure submission on the other - that fantasy works really, really well as a fantasy.  But it would never engender the complete desire to surrender all that i am to him that we have now.  

panic

I can get anxious, worried, fearful, and even dread what's coming sometimes, but once it's started, there's only one thing that induces panic.

I may (do) sometimes cry, yell, sob, struggle, rage all the way through, or at least until he lets me float off.

But only one thing he does makes me very, very afraid that i actually may not survive - that something, i have no idea what, spontaneous combustion perhaps - will certainly happen and i won't make it through to the other side.

It's the thing that trips my struggle over the edge from sincere to unaware of him and focused only on my survival.

And i am truly a total weenie.....

It only happens when he pins me on my stomach with his body, holds my arms above my head, pushes my hair aside, and bites my neck, then the spot just behind my ears - licking and blowing and nibbling then biting, hard, then my ears - with his tongue and his breathing and his teeth....

How do people survive that. I should have a hard limit, i really should.

communication

Not a title likely to draw readers in droves - booorrrring, I know.  Ultimately, i write here for him though, and the state of us depends more on the hard and un-exciting stuff than the fun stuff.  

This first part is fairly woowoo - which is fairly unlike me - but so it goes.  

We don't have formalized speech or other overt signs of our respective positions, but there is something between us, a current maybe or a back channel, that we both feel and communicate through. Probably most people who spend long enough together have the same kind of thing - i don't know.  It's like eye contact: you can stare at someone's eyes forever, they may appear to be looking directly at you even, but you know without a doubt whether they have made eye contact with you or not.

I know he's there at the other side of that current, he know's when i am, and we each know the other knows.  It's a different thing than any of our other interactions.   When we get out of sync, it doesn't flow well, the communication through this channel is ineffective.  Or maybe, when it doesn't flow well, we get out of sync.  I know that sometimes I ignore that channel and pretend i can't hear what's coming through, or i doubt it and pout and deny it.  Like avoiding or refusing to make eye contact when you can feel the other persons eyes burning a hole in your skull.


On the other, less 'out there,' but more mundane and more difficult side of things, is the explicit, plain old, tell the person how you feel kind of communication.  It takes words.  And active effort to listen without defending yourself in your head at the same time.  And it takes (me) a lot of effort to tell him how i really feel sometimes.  Sometimes i'm ashamed of my feelings, sometimes i'm angry or critical of him, sometimes it's a place we've been before and i just don't necessarily think more words are likely to change anything.

It is tempting, easy, to spin things as they come out of my mouth, to put myself in a better light, to avoid admitting i was wrong, or to avoid needing to tell him that i think he was wrong, or that i'm disappointed in something he did or didn't do, or that my needs aren't being met.   The first two are only natural: no one likes to 'fess up to making mistakes, or being in the wrong.  And i still am not so comfortable with some of my desires that i share them easily.  But that's part of the bargain - I need to be open about those things.

The second part is harder.  The 's' isn't supposed to critique or be angry, or put her feelings in a position of importance.  Except that isn't sustainable long term - not for me.  And he has demanded this side of my being open as well.  Sometimes he is in the wrong - sometimes in things that matter enough that something has to be said.  And there are areas in which we aren't in sync - we aren't perfectly matched in all our interests, desires, styles, kinks, whatever you want to call it, and it doesn't feel right at all for me to talk to him about those things.  It feels like complaining, or asking him to change, or criticizing.  But we didn't get this far by my burying my feelings or hoping he would read my mind.

Sir

I call him Sir, but only on what you might call special occasions: when we play/during a scene, for the daily caning or whatever other torment/discipline, in the heat of the moment (oh god, oh sir...), when i ask permission for anything, if begging seems to be called for, or whenever he gets that look and Sir seems like a wise choice.  Sometimes, in the middle of the day-to-day, he changes the mood of things by suddenly insisting on it - it's a signal and it effects the shift in the moment.

Sir isn't ever used in front of other people or within earshot even.  And i use it infrequently enough that it isn't my first impulse when speaking to or about him. I wouldn't really ever slip up and call him Sir out of context because it's more of a thing i have to think about to remember rather than the automatic thing.

We aren't formal or protocol  - not even very, very low protocol.  We are entirely natural and i guess equal in our communications.  I'm not quite sure how to describe it: our dynamic isn't expressed at all in our everyday interactions, not in our speech, or manners, or gestures, not overtly, at all.  There would be, to any observer, no sense of me being 'in my place.'

Tori included her perspective on this in an excellent post.   I can easily see how using Sir, or some other title of respect or deference, could have a profound impact on my frame of mind, the way i communicate with him, and how i think of him all around.  We are most often completely at ease with each other, like i said - no overt expression of us.  But, there are times that i feel way too at ease, way too familiar maybe, not quite disrespectful, but pushing the boundary.... if that makes any sense, considering that there are no expectations like that in the first place.  It's entirely situational, and i know exactly when i'm doing it, and i think he does too.

So i can see that a requirement about how i address him, or a protocol around speech, or manners or gestures or any such thing, would serve to reinforce our dynamic - which i like and often need.  It would reassure me when i doubt it, and remind me when i choose to ignore it.   I have learned the hard way never to say never - but i don't think this is an area where he will choose to make changes. I do know it would be very difficult for me.

He called the other day while I was in the middle of a conversation with my son.  I told him i was talking with the son so he (my husband) and i wrapped up quickly.  At the end he insisted i say "yes sir."  I reminded him the son was standing right there, but he insisted.  I giggled a little and tried to weasel around it - no go -  so i said it.  My son's eyebrows shot up and then he rolled his eyes.  Those two words were painfully difficult and stopped me in my tracks. I can't imagine Sir or anything like that just rolling off my tongue in front of other people ever.

not like the other girls

I'm not like other girls (cuz you know all other girls are all exactly alike), in fact, I'm pretty far away from being like the other girls.

And most of the time that's just fine.

But every once in awhile i feel defective and i wish i could be like all of them, because that seems to be what all the guys want - and so mine must really also - and i'm not it....


Yes Sir - i know you don't, and i'm working on it.

holding the contradiction

I've managed to avoid a great deal of self doubt about how society would view our arrangement  or does view what it believes about arrangements it believes are like ours.  But every once in awhile - something outside of us, outside of what i see as a virtual community to which i belong (and in a very few cases, an irl community) - every once in awhile something crashes through and impacts me.

It happened last week.  Apparently the two deranged people who kidnapped two little girls and sexually abused them were living as  master and slave, in the kinky, bondage sense, as the news put it.   I also noticed that the media, if not law enforcement, seemed to be mentioning it as a way of relieving the woman from culpability: she was his slave, she had to do it, it was all his fault.  I didn't think a lot about it though, it was just two bad people who did bad things, way too much of that around it seems.

But then we were at a social thing - lots of people we didn't know very well at all, people who are mostly parents of very young children, and i overheard the small talk, including a conversation about this case.  They were aghast and also titillated and  mostly self-righteous about the inherent evil of  'those kinds of people.'

Later that evening my husband and I went for a walk I asked him if he had overheard the same conversation. He hadn't.  In fact he hadn't read about the case at all, at least not anything beyond that the girls had been found.  I was having a very hard time relating the story to him - i couldn't bring myself to say the words submissive, slave or master - i just couldn't get them out.  He was a little impatient with me, he had no idea where i was trying to go because he didn't know the story.

I had thought i had dismissed the whole thing in my mind - but it floored me then.  Eventually i was able to say what it was, and why it upset me so much: suddenly we are 'those people,' people one assumes are evil and child molesters.  But i know that people from so many groups have done evil in the name of that cause, or in the name of that group  or that religion, when it has nothing to do with the group at all.  [Leaving aside the issue of groups being complicit by not rooting those people out.]

Even more so though, was the assumption that i, as the slave or the submissive, have no responsibility for my own actions and decisions. I must be so far lost mentally that i would do even something like that without stopping myself, or him.

But i'm not.  I do think for myself and i do speak up, about all kinds of things that impact us and our family. This is that stupid, absurd hypothetical, 'Would you cut your arm off if he told you to? Would you commit a crime?  Would you sexually abuse children?'  Except that it wasn't hypothetical in this case.  I know damn well that he would never, that this scenario is not in the realm of possible.  And furthermore, i know that if some bizarre turn of events leads to him asking me to do anything wrong, morally or ethically, he fully expects I would say no, and to do what i can to stop him.

This i know - have always known.  But it left me with a flood of self-doubt.  Where is the line?  If i'm to analyze every request for right vs. wrong, and choose to comply or not - how is that submitting?  And I must be no where near slave then, which i do consider myself, except i still don't like that word at all, but i have no other. But if  there are - and there are - things over which i would certainly refuse him - how deep is my commitment really.

This is only a question in the face of the outrageous and completely absurd, the things that won't happen really.  Except it did.  And some man asked the heinous, and some woman didn't stop him.  I know that has very, very little to do with D/s and everything to do with the wrongness of both of them.

It works in my head: I have given my whole self to him, no reservations.  No holding back.  No contingencies.  Not even any limits of my own.  At the same time, I completely retain my own intellect, my judgement, my conscience.  I know that i would disobey, i would work to thwart him if i believed i ought to.  He would have me do no less.  And i can't explain how both of those can possibly be completely true at the same time.  In words and on paper - clearly they can't.  But in me - they are.

all the right moves

I love a good summer thunderstorm.  It's one of the reasons i like not having air conditioning - i feel them coming even inside.  I miss our old house, where we used to live - it had the most fantastic front porch - swing and all, perfect to just sit and be in the storm.  The storms last week though meant that his flight home at the end of the week was cancelled and the one the next morning delayed.  All of which meant a small window of time alone together most likely lost, again, and with no real prospects in the foreseeable future. That started a storm of negative in my head.

As it happens - i want those times with him.  We are rock solid as a couple, our marriage is very strong, but i've found out that there is something more that is possible and i'm very reluctant to give that up, i worry if i think it is threatened, and i'm greedy when i don't get enough.  It's reinforcing our roles, satisfying my masochistic bent, a great endorphin trip, a chance to offer myself to him in a hard way, reconnecting in a way that goes far beyond anything vanilla (i believe).... It's all that, and i can live without it but i don't really want to and neither does he.  It took me a very long time to surrender my need to him, to actively open up to a need in myself that only he can meet.  To rely on him that deeply.

By the time he got home - i was storm clouds gathering, rumbling and threatening to open up.  I had to work not to give in to the parts of my head that try to convince me that it would be better if i shut myself off to this need rather than be hurt again and again when it can't be met.  For me - i really do have to actively keep myself open to this; staying open to the connection and the more of it all means also being undefended against the hurt and disappointment and doubt.  I was disappointed and he could see that, but i didn't give in to my doubts.  I waited for him, i hoped for some opportunity to re-connect, but not as i have (i'm ashamed to say) testing him.

He took me to the shower and reminded me who and what i am.  He doesn't do that often, maybe that's why it's so effective.  Maybe there's something left in our DNA or our reptilian brains that connects to the dominance and submission of marking or being marked with piss, likely it's humiliating because society and our upbringing say it's so.  It is active submission to kneel, to stay put, to open my eyes and watch when he commands it, to clean him with my mouth after...

There was no time afterward for spanking or beatings or trips to subspace, but he used me with that combination of distance and detachment and almost but not quite brutality that is so perfect.  He brought me to the edge again and again, he made me beg, and somehow it was so clearly just for his amusement, his pleasure.  Even once he commanded me to come, it was for him.

It is interesting to me that what i need, what allows me to keep myself open to him, is not that he provide any certain thing or give me any specific thing, but simply that he challenge that the door remains open.

optimism

My son the other day was struggling to find just the right word for "unreasonably and hopelessly optimistic, without any real foundation in reality."  I didn't want to say the words 'cockeyed optimist' out loud to my 17 year old son so I offered, "Pollyanna"    It doesn't come from a latin root - so he didn't know that one.  Oh well.  Not much chance he's going to go back and read children's books about a happy little girl in New England a long time ago...

Anyhow - i tend to be a worrier - i can, admittedly, blow things out of proportion and see the downside of a situation a little too quickly.  My husband tends the other direction - he's certainly not manic or all rainbows and unicorns, but he tends to be good at not creating problems in his mind either.

One of the things he has been pushing me to work on in myself lately (like for 6 months or more) is to be more optimistic about a lot of things that worry me - mom things, job things, life things, but especially us things.  He wants me to believe in us, in who and where we are, and to focus on the joy of it, not my perceived doom and gloom.

So - I'm trying.  And to that end - 3 good things.......

1 - Texting from wherever he was last week and telling me to wear my leather collar to bed, and to send a picture before I go to sleep, oh - and to actually go to bed by my bedtime.

2 - Catching up with the dates/caning - it was a decent amount of catching up, and it really is good for me - especially mentally.

3 - Biting and hair pulling and manhandling me around to just where he wants me - i do tend to forget that this is not how it always was - that it is him taking and me surrendering.  

Damn good question.....

Jz posed this question here :    Where does your submission live?

She used body metaphors: is it in your heart, head, a feeling in your gut, worn on your sleeve..... I pondered it a good bit in the back of my mind throughout the day.  I concluded that I don't have the imagination to work with her metaphor - I suppose i would have to say it lives in my head - but that's very literal and concrete and not at all what she meant.

This line though stopped me in my tracks:   My submission is a thing that centers on him, not me.

That - turned as a question - seems very important to me.

As she says, " I don't get itchy for things I want him to do to and for me. Instead, my satisfaction comes from providing whatever he wants and needs."

I know that Jz didn't write that line to be an indictment of anyone - this is her and her life and how she is - it's a beautiful thing about her in fact.  It's just one of those coincidences that it happens to be a thing for me.

I couldn't even pretend to own this attitude.  Besides the 5 years worth of blog here documenting my itchiness for what i want him to do, and my frequent lack of satisfaction, I know in my heart that my submission centers in me, maybe on me, sadly.  It is a thing, a big thing, that i would like very much to figure out how to start to change.

On some levels - I do believe he wants this - that he wants my submission.  But at the deepest levels, i think i also believe he could be happy without it as well. And that makes me insecure.  And i can see that maybe it doesn't matter - that he does like and desire my submission, why should possible alternate universes matter.  I need to believe that and learn to live it.

This blog also documents a lot of up and down and round and round - each time around learning more and more.  I've been more and less secure in it all at times.  I have a feeling that a lot of things will fall into place if i can believe it and live it, if i can truly shift the locus from me to Him.

things i'm not allowed to get pissed about, but still do

Well - one thing for today......

You know - those things that used to be acceptable ways for men to treat women, but then people got enlightened and they were no longer acceptable**

But since i've voluntarily, essentially moved backwards several hundred years - not really - but there is no longer a "society says" that this or that is or isn't actually acceptable in behavior or interactions...  It's fuzzier - it's all up to Him, and while He is not interested in anything that makes me less than - there is the fuzziness of things done to reinforce our respective positions - which ironically - don't make me feel less than, they make me feel secure, but..... anyhow, told you it was fuzzy

Fuzziness aside - there are still a few things for which my impulse is to shake him and point out how unenlightened and old-fashioned and inappropriate he's being.   Things that frustrate me instead of making me feel secure - even though i tell myself it's his prerogative, and that helps a bit - still - not entirely.

Today's frustration is brought to you by that ancient curse - my period.

I've been gone, he's been gone, the kids have been way too present way too much, etc., etc., We haven't had time together in too long.  He comes back today, and of course my period also showed up - early - of course.

So there's the disappointment and frustration of knowing it will be that much longer.

But also - there's the underlying feeling i get from him about it all:  he won't have anything to do with me during.  He has always been this way - he's just simply not interested in going there.  He may demand i service him - but even that is less.  It isn't quite shunning - but decidedly less intimacy.  It just flirts with the edges of feeling like he blames me or is upset with me for it happening.  I know he doesn't, but....

There's the little bit of mind fuck for me in it - and not necessarily in the good way - it's his right, his control. He doesn't do humiliation much and not outside a context in which it's pretty clear what's what.  So this isn't a control through humiliation thing.  But i'm not so sure it isn't a 'because I can and this works for me" thing - which i should find hot, or at least reassuring, but most often i can't.



** I'm NOT talking about past and present day, all too real, inequalities and human rights abuses - just to be clear.

the thing about the rule..

The rule is i'm not allowed to scratch if i have an itch (the literal kind - this is so very non-sexual) in his presence.

The thing with this rule is that he has absolutely no idea how often i itch and don't scratch.

He only sees when i break the rule.

-------------------

There's a metaphor in there somewhere.....

Guest Post: I take care of her

Sir J had some things to say on the topic of my last post.   He no longer has an active blog, but he offered this guest post and I gladly accept.  

I take care of her

July-29-14

3:36 PM

I am a Dominant and if that was the title of the book of me then the sub title would be I take care of her. I see no contradiction in these two statements at all in fact I often wonder about the Dominant that does not think this way. For me the very essence of being a Dominant is control, I want to control everything, me, her, us, others, the weather, traffic, work, literally everything. When I was younger and more arrogant than I am now I use to say with some regularity "if they would just let me run the world" and people would laugh, I was only sort of kidding.

Now I know better and would not take the job even if they did offer it. However I do run my world and for the most part I learned a long time ago the only think I can control is me.  I focus much of my energy on that now and I think it makes me a better Dominant and any number of people I know will roll their eyes and tell you it makes me a much better person, or at the very least less of an ass. The urge to control is always there though, just below the surface and never more so than with her.  My submissive.

Controlling her is a delicate balancing act akin to herding cats.  First there is the issue that she is smarter than I am, next the fact that she is a powerful professional at the height of her profession who makes dozens of decisions every day. Anything done that would take away all that she is and stop her from being all that she could be would be immoral and idiotic. Like many a top flight professional woman though she has moments of doubt and of being overwhelmed, she worries about being a good worker, a good Mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good daughter in law, a good submissive and many more.

What I can do is take care of her, I can be strong when she feels weak, I can make decisions for her when she feels overwhelmed. I can take her mind away from the so called real world and I can focus it on my world. A place where she can just be and feel and go where her senses take her, I can focus all that she is on a single event or series of events that culminate in an explosive orgasm and I can hold her while she falls asleep with out a care in the world. I can decide if and when she will cum, what she will wear or eat how much or how little in any and every circumstance.

She calls it being taken care of, I call it control. You might look at and think she has me wrapped around her little finger, you may wonder how on earth I could be the Dominant and she the submissive. You might come to believe my opening statement is crazy.  I know as she does that the only way I will stop looking after her is if she leaves and she knows as I do that she would only leave if I stopped looking after her.

I take care of her and I do it that makes me a Dominant and she is taken care of and she allows it that makes her a submissive. No contradiction at all.

Sir J

It is all about you for you and it is all about me for me.

The title is a quote from a person who was a mentor to me in this, someone who was comfortable or even adept with all my incessant and silly overthinking.  Because suddenly i'm off that plateau and back to fixated on twists and turns and ins and outs.

My husband does not love the overthinking, make-everything-way-too-complex aspect of me.  "Any hole, any time...." is his standard response when i try to ask him about the why's or wherefore's of it all for him. It's sort of his code for, "it's what I want, we've been through this before, come to me with real questions and concerns, not this."

And that's fair enough - or - it is what it is.  It is one of the things he takes as his prerogative, and he's right, early on we did talk about a lot of aspects of things - his feelings about them, mine, the why's and what is really right or wrong for us.  But now we are long into the point that i just have to trust him and not question, it's my work to do - as they say.

He's been in a mood to make me come recently, frequently and spectacularly - i know - poor me.....  And after - he points out, "You needed that."  And he's right; I relax, I sleep, I calm down, I snuggle and I'm more all around pleasant to him.

But, but - it's not supposed to be about me.  But i kinda like this lately.  But why aren't i more all around pleasant to him on my own.  But things are, as usual, busy and stressful, and, and, and....  But he's also just as busy and stressed.  And shouldn't i be finding ways to help him, make things easier for him, shouldn't i not be an extra burden to him.

And yes - i absolutely should work to make things easier for him.  Exactly what that would entail is only sometimes clear, but there are some things i know, certainly. Probably not asking him to join me in my otherthinking would be one of them.

But - to cut to the chase - i do still get stuck on not feeling right, or not accepting gracefully when he does for me - which - frankly - he does a lot - and not just spectacular orgasms.

One pervasive theme about submission or being submissive or a slave or whatever - is the innate desire to please - to do for others - and the need to live that.  And I don't always, every moment and with every fiber, feel like pleasing others, even Him.  That is maybe another post - because i do feel that desire in the theoretical or the general, but i seem to need to work on it much more in the specific and in practice.

And He clearly does feel compelled to take care of me, to see to my needs, to guide me and to lift me up. That is very important to him.  And I can accept that this is Dominance for him.  It is what is right for him and allows him to be who and what he really wants - and my part is to accept that and allow it and cooperate with it - even if it means being taken care, even if it means lots of orgasms.

voice

My family recently found itself travelling for a long weekend, in a big city, in a different part of the country.  And as fate would have it, it was near-ish to where Jz lives.  My family's plans were fairly fluid until pretty much the last minute, but Jz generously went with the flow and came to spend the afternoon with me. 

Nilla too lives near-ish - and I would have so enjoyed meeting her also - but - nilla - I'm really glad you are taking care of your self and that you are feeling better.  

As she mentioned, Jz and I have been friends since we both started blogging.  We both seem to have jumped into blogging at about the same time, although i remember contacting her very early on and being honored and relieved when she responded so openly and warmly.  I had been nervous because i was so new and she seemed, on the page, so all-together and wise.  That is her voice, the voice that comes through in her writing, sharp, intelligent, introspective, and entirely unique.  In chatting with her, I discovered pretty quickly that these are the person she is, not just the persona that comes through in her blog.  

We have exchanged a few pictures over the years, so i had an idea in my mind of what she looked like, her face at least -  and she may have mentioned on her blog that she is tall.  But I would have thought that, in meeting her, i would have been most curious about her appearance, to put a face and a physical presence with the person i knew only through writing.  I was surprised, as i waited at the train station for her, that it was her voice, her actual voice, that I was curious about.  

And she has a lovely voice. It fits her perfectly.  It is charming without being smarmy, strong and sincere, not at all saccharine but very sweet to listen to.   And we did talk - all afternoon.  It was as easy and comfortable as old friends - which of course, it was, just with the addition of the physical - and the audio.  

I'm so glad we got this chance to meet.  And the hugging  - i'm not a hugger either - but, it just happened, twice even i think.

static

I've been away a good bit - i had a long trip - part work, part fun - and that was very, very good.  I got caught up in a book - well - actually - a series.  Which is a dangerous thing for me.  I've cut myself off for a bit so i can re-join the world.  When i have some free time - or find some self-discipline - i'll go back and finish the series.

But - also - I usually live very much inside my head, constantly thinking, over-thinking, analyzing, jumping around 20 places at once mentally.....  Lately i find myself just doing and not second and third guessing and trying to figure it all out.  It's a disconcerting feeling for me.  Typically i would be worried about why i'm not worrying more, but i'm not.

I feel like we are with this D/s or M/s thing where we were after 5 or 6 years of marriage - which makes sense since it's been about 5 yrs of ttwd.  It is who we are - it is't going away.  It isn't all weak-at-the-knees excitement and honeymoon and it isn't the drastic highs and lows.  It is sometimes mundane, and sometimes immensely secure and comforting to fall back on.  I have stopped being afraid it is going to go away - like i think i eventually learned to accept very deeply that our marriage would survive - which allowed us both to be more honest and more vulnerable and  to take risks and deepen our bond, allowed us to consider intentionally changing it to what it is now.

I know that this mental detachment and odd plateau won't last - things will get harder, or easier, or higher, or lower, or more intense, or all of the above.  It needs attention and work - of the fun and probably also of the just plain work - kinds.  It is unlike our marriage (or how it had been) in that - i need to be pushed and challenged and also restrained and contained - and i think he needs to push and prod and stretch and exert himself - static isn't sustainable - ultimately it has to be dynamic.  It should be interesting when that hits.

a real sadist

I had 18 pages left, in a really good book.

He made me come to bed.

Just 18 pages left.

the more things change....

I guess the patterns are the same - but change is change - and as much as i am not someone who hates change - i also need some time to learn the new world order when it happens

I've always had body-image problems - as in - i really don't like my body.  My husband loves my body - i actually do believe that.  That's one area that D/s, M/s, ttwd has really helped - i believe him when he says that.

But last week it all took a nosedive and it was so bad that i didn't want him to look at me or touch me or be physically near me.  This wasn't just a casual wishing i were younger/firmer/prettier - it was a deep, visceral feeling that i couldn't overcome and couldn't hide from him.  As you can imagine - that didn't work for him.

He neither forged ahead without any consideration of my distress, nor did he back away or coddle me - any of which i think would have destroyed me at the time - He listened.  He demanded service - but he tolerated my detachment from him during.  He caned me as hard as he has in a very long time.  And he made it clear that when he gets back into town i need to be back on track in a number of areas.

I've been stressed, haven't been sleeping well, not eating or exercising as well....All of which are factors I'm sure.  I'm also a woman of a certain age - though he has forbidden me to use the M word - he's going the ostrich route with this one.  I'm nevertheless occasionally overcome with moods and funks that don't make any rational sense.

So this week i'm working very hard at eating better, moving more, trying to sleep (still can't seem to force that one), and working to figure out how to manage the changes, or adapt to the new world order.

I get to go away soon - for two whole weeks - part of which He will be able to join me and we will have an actual vacation together - somewhere cooler, with lots of activity and movement and scenery and Us time. All good reasons to get back on track - that - plus the fact that he told me to.

how to stay horny

at the risk of being blunt......

As he left - for the week this time - he told me i may play without permission as much as i want (he's in a different hemisphere this time and tough for him to text back to me)

Actually - what he told me was that he wants me needy and ready when he returns.  He knows how long and how incredibly busy my week ahead will be.  My focus will not be on him and will not be on sex.  Which  he said is the point of the permission.

I've not been overwhelmingly needy lately - in fact i've been cruising along in, "independent, self-sufficient, i-got-this-thanks" mode for awhile.  Mostly because that's what's been needed - partly because it's just too much trouble to shift out of that mode for the brief times we've had together lately...

I sound pretty cavalier about that - i'm not.  I do really wish i could be much more submissive - in that really good - dare-i-say-it - slave zone.  That is a really good place for both of us. And i miss it.  I'm still His - still obedient - still doing what he wants - but i'm not living with him in the front of my mind - maybe others know what i'm talking about - maybe this is just the way we are and where our lives are for the moment and it is what it is.    

But my sexual feelings are all tied up in it all - of course - that's part of the design, right?  A very strong way for him to manipulate and access and control me.....  A way i offer myself, serve him, surrender and submit....

More correctly - my sexual feelings are all tied up in him - not so much self generated anymore.

So i have no idea how to get myself where he wants, no idea whether free rein or full restriction or (I shuddered at the suggestion) required orgasms are the best way to get me there.

Writing here helps keep me connected to the idea of submission - thus to him and how he would like me to be.  I will follow the rules and try to have him in mind during the times i can disengage my brain from other things.

We shall see........

Finally - some answers

I have been going flat out for what feels like months now - and i'm not sure there is really an end in sight.  

I've been working on answering the questions from MC Kitten and Ava Grace bit by bit and am finally finished.  Thank you both for the kind nomination and i'm sorry it was so long in coming.  Given how out of time i am, i'm going to forgo making any nominations of my  own.  

MC Kitten - and my 11 questions are - 

1. What's your favourite colour?  It is actually green - i didn't wander too far for my screen name.

2. If you could go anywhere in the world for a week's holiday, where and why?  We love to travel and we've been lucky to have had opportunities to go to unexpected places and see and do some incredible things.  But there never seems to be enough time....  So, if I had a whole week that was 'extra' and i could completely choose - i would love to go visit friends i've left in various places we've moved away from.  

3. What's your favourite book? (If you can pick just one!)

Oh i really can't.  I'm re-reading Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy right now - but it was handy and so i picked it up.  I will read anything - almost - except history/biography or historical fiction (unless there are witches, vampires, etc involved).  

4. What's your favourite band? (Again, if you can pick just one!)

So many moods for so much and so many kinds of music....

5. What kink do you love, even though it really surprises you that you love it?

Him pissing on me - I wouldn't say i like it - but it has a profound impact on me and is good for putting me, putting us straight again.

6. If you were an animal, what would you be?

I don't usually look at things this way,  'what if i could be something else' - but the past few weeks i've watched a Robin raise her (his?) brood - there are many, many days that i would love to have the time/ability/luxury to have that kind of singleness of purpose in raising my kids.  I know - not very slavey - not putting Him first - but that's the heartstring that is being pulled these days.

7. Which sex related toy could just not be without?

These days the cane is keeping us connected and me half way sane - so - grudgingly - i say the cane.

8. Which sex related toy would you be quite happy if it fell off the face of the earth?

There are a few i struggle with - the canes, the big plug, and a certain heavy wood paddle - but if i'm totally honest - they are good for me in spite of my loathing.

9. What's the last thing you do at night?

Ask permission to get in bed.  There may or may not be other talk or activities after that - but that is a constant - when he's home.  

10. What's your favourite month of the year, and why?

This year it was May - it was a looooong, cooooold winter and usually April is the perfect Spring month here, but it all got pushed back this year.  Gardening is my unwinding, escape, re-charging, and meditation - and it all begins again then.

11. What's your favourite snack, healthy or otherwise?!

    Chocolate - there are any other possible answers to that question?

Ava Grace - And my questions for the Nominees:

1. Do you like to read?  
Yes would be an understatement.  I have no will power though with books - I end up neglecting everything and everyone around me, to a really unacceptable level.  Books make me do things i never do (late for work, not really attending to meals, or kids, or my husband, completely checking out mentally.)

2. What authors do you read?   
I have found that i love being re-introduced to the books i loved through my kids - from the classics i read to them when they were young (I read several Narnia books to them on one very long car trip) to their insatiable appetite for Sci Fi and fantasy now (Asimov, Tolkein, Lewis, Jordan.....).  But honestly - Dickens is the only author i've run across that i just can't read.  

3. What word/s by your Master/Daddy/Sir/Dominant brings flutters to your heart?
You are mine.

4. Favourite colour?  Greengirl fit - for a number of reasons 

5. Favourite television show/movie/book?
Princess Bride - but - like everything else - i'm either very open and well-rounded, or completely undiscriminating and without taste - depending on your take on it.  

6. Make-up or no make-up?
No make-up.  In so many ways i am not very good at being a girl.  This is one of them.
  

7.  Favourite piece of lingerie?
And this is another way i am no good at being a girl - and he doesn't care much about lingerie either so i never formed the habit.

8. Do you enjoy travelling?
Oh yes - we've been very lucky in the opportunities we've had to travel.  We will choose an adventure over a sit still vacation every single time.

9. Do you enjoy the sweet delight of women or men alone?  
This is an odd one for me to answer - i've had hopeless crushes on women, but i never could figure out what to do about it.  My husband is completely adamant about monogamy and views men and women as equally off limits - so i never did and won't explore that realm.  

10. What did you want to be when you were a child?
A doctor, the crazy scientist living in the crazy house at the end of the street, both......

11. Dreams for the future?
As hokey as it sounds, i don't plan or dream ahead in that way.  I very much make the choices that are put before me, explore the paths i see and live in the now.