not either-or

We've had a really nice holiday break so far, and at the same time, a fairly difficult one.

There are those people in life who've had so much trouble come their way, whose lives are so unrelentingly and grindingly difficult, that i really think God owes them another go around, with nothing but sunshine and daisies and happiness and light - just to make up for this lifetime.  This is my family, who I love deeply, and who we visited with over the holiday.  I want to help - i have spent my life trying to help - but it is all un-helpable.  There is no way out.  So visiting is both very good, and very, very hard.

Sometimes i can negotiate the minefields of being with them well, other times not so well.  Sometimes i can resist the screwed up dynamics and behave the way i intend to and want to be.   Other times i fail and i get sucked in and act in screwed up ways myself.  Sometimes, often, i feel trapped between my family, my husband and children, and my family, my parents and siblings. This was one of those times: i tried to walk the line, but i failed.

I failed to respect and trust my husband, and i upset and hurt him terribly. And i feel awful that i hurt him this way.  But, at the same time, i am entirely unsure how to have handled things differently.  And i can't say i won't make the same mistake again, not because i would choose to hurt him, but i don't know if i will always be able to find the line that gracefully satisfies everyone.  Or, if that option doesn't exist, i don't know if i can overcome a lifetime of being the peacemaker within my family.

It has taken, is taking, my husband some time to feel better, get past it, be back to normal...which is just really unusual for him.  And i both understand this, and don't understand it.  I know he's human and that he is hurt and angered like anyone else.  I don't understand the magnitude, but i don't resent it or feel he is being unfair;  i do wonder what more is behind it.   It leaves me feeling lost, shut out, and very unsure of myself.

And it all leaves me feeling a number of things at once about ttwd:  Are the lows worth the highs?  Or is a more mundane middle ground better?  I can choose to follow him when the cost is easy, but can i actually do it when the cost is higher?  Do i need to be careful and not make him regret his choice to work this way - is it too hard for him?  Is it worth it to him?   Can i really find the balance between being myself and being His?  Is this truly an either-or?

very submissive

The other day the stars (and our schedules) finally aligned and we had some time alone.

He used the things that work, that are triggers i guess, for me - ankles and wrists cuffed, neck collared, naked, waiting, but exposed.

He was in and out at first - working, but checking in and directing me.  He had me quiet and still, he directed me to focus on him, on being for him, on being the way he likes me.

He's never really done that before.

Previously, time spent waiting has been filled with a touch of anxiety, a lot of arousal, and on bad days - my mind wandering off who know's where.

This time was different, i was easily able to let my head fill with him.

I do love this man.  That's all i can tell you about what was in my head - i'm not sure it was any more specific than that - and that is very surprising for me.

Later i know he used me: he moved me and manipulated me and made me feel him.

And as we lay together afterwards he told me i had been very submissive, and that he really liked me that way.

That's new for him - it's huge in fact - it kinda shocked me.

He has always only talked around the idea of my being submissive - he would talk about my being respectful, sexual, peaceful, more focused, more connected... but all only pieces of the whole.

For a long time, he was uncomfortable with the idea, or maybe he would say - he was trying to understand the idea of submissive and how it applied to me - to us.

He has come to see - and actually - he has made it so that submissive for me doesn't negate or eliminate the traits he loves in me.

And i think he had come to peace in his head that submissive - for me - could be a good thing, not an un-doing of many of my strengths.  He definitely liked the changes in me and between us.  

Aisha described the essence of submission so nicely here.

I have felt this before, but somehow, not as clearly or as genuinely as this time.  Maybe his directions for focus were what i needed, maybe i needed to feel he wanted this from me, or at least accepted it.

The good feelings, the connection, the "glow" carried over for several days.  But more so than that - i think he saw the depth of my feelings and he saw that as good.  And I'm thrilled.

fine, good

Sometimes it's the simplest things i really just can't manage.  I mean really simple.

When he asks how my day was - i turn to one word answers - "fine, good"  - and then try like heck to change the subject: get him to talk about his day, whatever is coming up we need to plan out, pretty much anything else.

I could say i have no idea why i can't answer properly - except that my reluctance to talk about specifics of my day is always accompanied by a bristly feeling inside and an unspoken, "why do you want to know?"  This is true no matter if i've had a good day, a trying day, or a day that i felt like i failed at things all over the place.

I can say - i think i've always felt this way to some degree.  And i don't know why i should be so defensive abotu such a simple thing.

lots of things that may or may not make sense

I've been able to manage only bullet points for thoughts lately - somewhere in there are important things - i think..

Sex -it just does not cease to amaze me how much sex has come to mean - come to be part of our lives - our thoughts - our connection to each other, part of our language for each other.  It's wound through everything else - not off separate or sequestered - and how ok that is.  How i can feel and think about sex and him and it is really right and good.  How he can use that for me or against me (which is really for me).  How is it that this was not always the case?

Active submission - he would like that of me, in fact, he insists on it.  I can and in fact need to just tell him how i feel.  If i am unclear - or don't understand - i should ask.  If i am feeling needy - i should tell him or at least show him - not wait - wait for him as the all knowing, magic guy-in-charge to just "know."   i should cuddle up, sit at his feet, rub a bit, make some overtures, something...  He's getting tired of me heading off a cliff over things he didn't know were brewing.  And - yes - it still counts as submitting even if i initiate it - he'll let me know if he wants whatever it is or not.

I sometimes write things here that are probably quite uninteresting to most people.   My intent in starting to blog a few yrs ago was to be able to express things to my husband that i couldn't quite manage face to face.   I've gotten much better at telling him things outright, but i still find it very useful for hashing out ideas that i can't quite untangle in my head.  And i've come to treasure the connections and feedback and perspectives from all of you the blog has allowed.   Many of the posts my husband appreciates the most are the ones least interesting to anyone else. My previous post was one of those - not terribly interesting to anyone but him.  But it led him to explain to me exactly why he won't play mind games as any part of our dynamic: he is *ALL* about honesty, transparency, and openness between us, first and foremost.  I knew that - but hadn't made the connection.  It took me - well - a very long time to wonder the question - he had his answer to it ages ago.

incompatibilty?

I like to think and wonder and turn things around and around in my mind - not emotions so much - but what makes people tick, their inner workings.  I don't claim to really understand myself, much less anyone else, but i like thinking about it, reading about it, putting new ideas together.  I do like learning about philosophies, theologies, psychologies...  Books, movies, essays, music, anything that presents new ideas about why people are the way they are, that's what i like.

Him - not at all.

He is fascinated by groups - the results of group dynamics - history, politics, economics, government - even sports.  And facts - putting the facts together to see how it all turns out.    He is - i'm not sure what - concrete, direct, no-nonsense (definitely that).  But that all makes him sound flat or shallow or even unintelligent - all of which are incorrect.

He just rolls his eyes at my lines of thinking, and frankly, i can't even fake curiosity about the things that interest him.

And this difference plays out in our interactions too - not just in our taste in books or movies.

In our relationship - previously - and more recently than i care to admit -well - we've sometimes (too often) had that cliche'd argument in which i wanted to dissect every word and emotion and subtle gesture of what went wrong to figure out what it all meant.  I wanted to talk and talk and talk about why and how...he wanted to call it done and have it be done.  There's no easy middle ground between those two.

I actually want to think and talk and ponder and wonder about the good parts too.  I want to know why this or that has this or that effect on me - or on him.  What does he think about it, why, how would that change...

He, it seems to me, considers the facts, weighs the pros and cons, decides, and that's that.

It has taken me some time to realize it doesn't mean he is less invested than i am - because that is what i thought.  My impression was that he was just doing it - as in going through the motions.  To me,  not wanting to parse it all out and try to understand it all the same way i wanted to meant he didn't really care.  


And sometimes i think i want someone who will muck around in the depths of my psyche -  play the mind games with me, impact me and manipulate me more mentally, use that as one more tool in his bag of tricks.  Of course, i also think that could be much riskier and likely to blow up badly than any of the things we do now.

Also - where is the line between kink we play with to tease, to arouse, and to flirt, versus what he might use to provide control and containment and to keep me feeling strongly tied to him and going the way he wants,  versus what is so interwoven into every bit of each of our days that it is no longer distinguishable as an intentional tool?  At what level would i really be able to tolerate him seriously playing mind games with me?

So - yes - this is an area in which we are not so compatible.

It sounds insincere to say i've learned to live with it - but i have. I have learned more about how i am, and about how he is - and that, in many ways, it's good for us to be different from each other.

And, objectively, it sounds downright hokey to talk about liking the idea of doing things his way.  And believe me - i've thought about it - and i don't understand it - but i do like the idea of doing things his way.

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza 2011

You know how there are those things that, as a wife, you will just never be able to do as well as you mother in law did?  In my case - i will never be able to make adequate hot chocolate and I won't even attempt pies.

Their Christmas morning tradition involved warm sticky buns (the pecan roll type - come on y'all). So when our kids were little my husband asked me to start the tradition here.  I make them every year on the 24th and we have them with coffee and juice while we open gifts.  The boys would even forestall finding out what Santa brought them to wait for the rolls to warm up.

Sticky Buns

1.5 cups warm water

2.25 + .25 cups sugar

2 envelopes active dry yeast

1 Tbsp vegetable oil

1 tsp salt

1.5 cups whole wheat flour

2 cups (about) all purpose flour

1.5 cup (3 sticks) unsalted butter – room temperature

3 Tbsp ground cinnamon

1.5 cups (medium) chopped pecans

1 cup very coarsely chopped pecans

Combine 1.5 cups warm water and .25 cups sugar in a large bowl.  Sprinkle yeast over and let stand until foamy.  Mix in vegetable oil and salt.  Combine two flours – then mix into liquid one cup at a time to form a soft dough.  Turn dough out onto a floured work surface.  Knead dough until smooth and elastic, adding more all purpose flour if sticky, about 10 minutes. 

Lightly oil another large bowl.  Place dough in bowl and turn it to coat with oil.  Cover bowl with plastic wrap then a kitchen towel and let it rise in a warm, draft free area until doubled in volume, about 1 hr. 

Beat butter, cinnamon, and remaining 2.25 cups of sugar in a medium bowl to blend. 

Turn dough out onto floured work surface (do not punch down).  Roll out or press dough gently to 16X10 inch rectangle.  Using spatula, spread 1.25 cups of butter mixture evenly over the dough.  Sprinkle with medium chopped pecans.  Starting at one long side, roll up jelly rolls tyle, forming a log.  Pinch seam and ends to seal.  Cut log crosswise into 12 equal pieces.  Spread remaining butter mixture over bottom of 15X10X2” baking pan.  Sprinkle coarsely ground pecans over butter mixture.  Arrange rolls cut side down in prepared pan, spacing evenly.  Cover pan with plastic wrap.  Let rolls rise in warm draft free area until light and puffed, about 30 min. 

Position rack in center of oven and preheat to 325 (F).  Bake rolls uncovered until tops are golden brown, about 35 min. 

Remove pan from oven.  Using a sharp knife, cut around the sides of pan.  Place large baking sheet over pan.  Invert rolls onto baking sheet.  Serve warm or at room temperature.

And  huge thanks to JZ for organizing the second annual recipe exchange!!! Below is the list of other participants - i even hear that most of them followed the rules and have recipes for actual cookies.  

Aisha
Alice
Ally
Another Suburban Mom
Ashly Star
Beau
Beth
Conina
Elysia
greengirl
Hedone
Jack & Jill
His wyld rose
Infidelity Chronicles
Jz
Kirsti
Krissy
lil
Linda Long
Little Monkey
Lola!
Mijena
mouse
Naughty Kitty
nilla
ponderouspet
ronnie
Rose
Ryan
Sara
selkie (her recipe here, her blog here)
Sephani Page
Serenity
shadesofblue
striving for peace
sin
Tempting Sweets
The Missus
undercovermetamorphosis
Viemoira

waiting

Dontcha just hate it when you're too busy trying to keep up with life to stop and contemplate the meaning of it all??  Or heaven forbid, write about it????

This past week started off with me feeling like i had a handle on the various chunks of my to do list.  Then things slowly got moved and changed and mostly added to and overall pressurized.

My husband was away but he helped where he could.  One evening he told me to put on my leather collar before i went to bed and to wear it to sleep, something intended to make me stop and think about him and put aside the other stresses so i could sleep.  I was happy when he told me to do this and even looking forward to bedtime.  But the work i had to do took a long time and it was quite late when i finished and stumbled off to bed.  And i forgot the task - completely and totally forgot.

I was awoken early the next morning by his text asking where was his picture - my way of reporting that i had done what he asked.  It took me a few minutes to even figure out what picture he wanted - i had so completely forgotten what he had asked me to do.

And once i remembered the worst feeling came over me.

I forget to do things every once in awhile - sometimes i forget to move the laundry to the dryer before bedtime, or to run an errand during the week he has asked me to, things like that.  I may be bummed, but i move on pretty quickly, as in, i don't give it a second thought.

Forgetting to do this thing he had asked is different.  It wasn't an errand that i can just take care of tomorrow. It was something he had wanted me to do so that i could sleep, and so i could help re-prioritize my stresses, and so i could be able to focus on him and on our family more, while he was gone and once he got home.

Forgetting the dry cleaning - even if it means he doesn't have the suit he wants for tomorrow's trip, adn even if i am disappointed in myself in a "proportionate to the crime" sort of way - doesn't merit a punishment - or even a rebuke.  We are adults - plain and simple.

But this is different.  For one thing - this is a "between us" thing.  It was for my own good in the first place, and an absolute command - not an, "If you get the chance."  His being able to influence me at all, and particularly from 1000 miles away, depends on my doing what he asks.  And i want to do things this way; it really is so much better for me and for us this way.

For this, i think there will be a punishment.  I don't know what kind, likely very subtle but meaningful and which gets his point across.  And i find myself anxious to be able to make this up to him.

i probably won't, no

The other morning he came up behind me and hugged me and as he did, he started talking about the previous night - reminiscing, remembering, reminding me, teasing...

Then he asked me my thoughts - what had what kind of effect, what did i think about this and that, and what about the other?

"Honey, sweetie, dear - i was kinda fuzzy for this and that, and by the time you got to the other, i was flying, so i really only have a vague notion"

(Stern voice/evil glint in his eye) "Well - I want you to pay much better attention next time!"

i imagine i probably won't though

each night

each night he asks me to tell him something

not 1001 nights of tales - although it does have to be something new every night

and something he doesn't already know

about me, or us, or how i feel about me or us or him, or something that's bothering me, or things that are really good

and the problem is - he already knows an awful lot about me; and other stuff seems silly, or embarrassing, or unimportant, or unflattering

till i have so much of nothing to say

all day, i can have a million thoughts,

all brilliant and important and well fleshed out, ready to present

things that are weighing on me, things i realize and want to share with him, things i want him to know

i can even write them down to reference later

then at bedtime......nothing

just stammering, and diversions, and giggling, and ..........

and shame for having nothing to say that's worth him listening to, nothing to take advantage of this opportunity he gives me

diadokokinesia

We went to a Paul Simon concert with friends recently (yes - we're that old).  It was a terrific show.

But the opening act caught our attention also.  The band was technically "progressive bluegrass" - think soundtrack to Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?  Think guitar, fiddle, mandolin, bass, and banjo.

They were great.  Intricate, complex, and fast.  Really fast.

At one point my husband turned to me and remarked about how incredibly quickly they all moved their fingers; they were flying.

"Think what I could do if I could move my fingers that fast....."

coming back to him

A while ago I had that conquer me feeling - overwhelmingly so - to a different degree than ever before - even different than the sub fever of when we started all this: i needed to feel contained, to be reassured of my place, of his feelings, to have him stop the spinning and put me to rights

This is some thing we have learned, sometimes the hard way - it is something that is different about this dynamic vs. our marriage previously.  When it's good - when the level is just right - it is the feeling that keeps me focused on him and on what i need to be doing, it keeps me centered and level and content - it is the joy that underlies my construct of Him in my head, and it keeps me humming along with energy and power.

But -  sometimes I get overwhelmed with this kind of need and it derails my focus and the energy and power start to swing too far.  If it stays unchecked, i spin out of control, it resurrects and amplifies my doubts. Eventually, something switches off, and i stop wanting it - any of it.  


And that is what happened recently.  I hinted, and i tried to manage on my own, and eventually i went to him and told him what i was feeling.  But with life and between the two of us, it didn't get fixed, and i went completely off the rails, and it was a train wreck.  


And neither of us really knows how to clean up this kind of wreck.  We both tried - and everything we tried just made it all worse.  We couldn't say the right things, and we couldn't hear the things right, and we did too little or too much... 


And last night we had some time - together - because things are just harder to fix when we are apart or crowded out by other people and other obligations.  And we were both very hopeful, i think - very excited, anxious to pick up and resume.  He filled my head with teases and promises (threats?).  I was nervous and anxious and hopeful and ... trying to get back on board. We were both trying.  He was doing what has worked in the past; he was also trying to figure out what i needed, and i told him a lot of things, none of which turned out to be the right answer.


There's the fun stuff, the sexual and the intimate and the impact and the pain used to all its effects, and being his to play with as he wants.  And then there's the whole entirety of our relationship - the everyday stuff, and the underlying agreement that i am his, in everything and at all levels.  They are so intertwined and interdependent, but they are distinct.  And i had gotten back on board for the first, but i was still holding back and reserving judgement for the rest.  


And then the evening didn't go that way, it didn't go the way i had thought it would, or had gotten myself ready for.  He didn't go the way i had wanted him to.  I couldn't adapt, so i went away.  In my mind i hadn't gotten back to him really anyhow, but i went far, far away.  

He has told me in the past - when i feel far away - to just come back to him.  But i always want him to bring me back - to come and find me and force me to come back - to do it for me - which is a pretty metaphor for, "I want him to change what he's doing and the way he's doing it to do it the way i think i want." 

After lots more hard feelings and confusion, after i left our bed, he told me to come back - literally and otherwise.  He told me that, regardless of whatever else was going on, i needed to come back now.  


And that was exactly what i needed.  That cut through my confusion, it put an end to trying to think through all the details and what could or should be done about each.  It gave me something to come back to.  And i did.


Some of the details probably need to be thought through in time because i have no desire to repeat this. But he figured out how to tell me, and i figured out how to listen - finally.   

small little wondering

i had a passing thought - as my father would  have pointed out to me - it will probably get lonely

but - i'll go with it anyhow

i'm getting a handle on being open and available and ready and as he wants me when he wants me, etc

which is all well and good - and which he indeed seems to like and appreciate and enjoy and take advantage of

but - how do i seduce him?  or do i?

how do i let him know i'm interested?

how do i let him know i find him - well - everything?

how is one actively open and available and ready?

i'm a sucker

Not so much in the gullible, P T Barnum way, but in that i like to ...., well you get the idea.

But i am also a sucker for good writing and thought provoking ideas.  If the two come packaged together - well, that's bliss.

Like most of us - I sometimes have some time for blogging, but often it is constrained by all the other aspects of life. I read very quickly, but i write painfully slowly.  This means that i am usually able to indulge myself in reading and keeping up with a number of blogs, but i can't comment or communicate with others as much as i would like, at all.  Yes - i even write emails, comments, short little silly stuff - very, very haltingly.

I follow a good number of blogs and enjoy and appreciate all of them for the ideas and ways of looking at things they bring me.  Also for the different writing styles and personalities.

You can probably see where this is heading.  Aisha nominated me for a Versatile Blogger Award - and i am honored (did i mention writing is not a strength of mine) and I thank her.  I am not going to list 15 blogs to nominate: most of the ones i read, and that's pretty many, have already been nominated;  i appreciate so many different aspects of people's blogs - the thoughts, the writing, the entertainment, the emotion...; and i'm going to wuss out on trying to pick some over others.

I can list 7 things about myself though - i love getting these glimpses of other people, they add so much color to the image i have of someone in my head.
1) I am also (like Aisha) quite short - only 5'1", - with T & A, and very muscular legs - not sure what kind of mental image that conjures up - but it's me
2) i chose the name greengirl because my favorite color is green, i have green eyes, i am a tree hugger from way back, and when i started this blog, i was most often envious of the relationships i read about and i was very new and inexperienced
3) I'm a very good cook and i can grow just about anything - but i can't sew or craft or any other domestic goddess type things
4) i don't love the ocean, or beaches, just not my thing - but my husband does so i'm trying
5) I love textiles - when i get to go to a new museum or a new place - i seek out cloth, linens, rugs, tapestries, any kind of textile - ironic given that i can't sew - but it is what it is
6) I have long and fairly thick hair which i haven't permed or dyed or even blown dry in many years.  It's very healthy, but yes - it's getting some gray and i am completely undecided about what to do about that.  This is a topic my husband refuses to give an opinion on.
7) i love my job - that's unusual, even rare, and i am very very thankful to be able to say that

and as a bonus - i can't type to save my life - anyone who has ever im'd with me knows this - i suck at it - slows the writing down even further.

And now i've used all my time for today.

kites

I've been learning - learning and working to let go.  And letting go has allowed me to fly - to soar.  

But not on my own - i'm tied and tethered - to him.  He lets the string out or pulls it in.  The string keeps me near, but also keeps me up.  

A kite off on it's own, without the tension of the string, just careens out of control, it may fly higher, but it flies wild and eventually is driven to the ground or into a  tree.

So he holds the string and i float gently, or tug and pull and strain, or just keep heading up and up and up.  

But the string slipped between his fingers, or snapped, or maybe just ran out altogether.




A kite - you just fetch it out of the tree, tape it up, re-tie the string and toss it back up into the wind. 


He fetched me back, but the taping may take a little time. 

what do you call it?

there's horny, randy, needy, wanting, etc...... to describe that feeling of wanting sex, of emptiness, of wanting to be (from my perspective) entered, opened, stimulated and brought to release - there's a specific sensation that is both subtle and overpowering

but what do you call the added/different/over and above sensation of wanting to feel him more - more controlling, more imposing, more there - not that he's absent or there is something wrong, not sorrow or despair or loss - but the overwhelming craving for more - more demands, more roughness, more tightening down, more restriction, more sternness, more claiming, more, more, more  .................

just like libido for me - this neediness comes in waves, always there at some level, but at times in huge swells that sweep me away and drown out most of my other thinking

is there a name for that?

cheap date

I'm a really cheap date in some ways.   The same way that men (or boys) feel like they get a good return for minimal outlay with their date, my husband gets a lot of squirminess and mental discomfort from me for some pretty easy tasks set on his part.


Once upon a time, I was able to go to him out of the blue and tell him i thought sex would be far better for us if he changed the rules.  I was even able to tell him - repeatedly and specifically - that i thought i wanted for him to cause me pain and to use me in weird ways.  These weren't easy things for me to tell him, but i managed to be coherent and grown up about it.

Somehow, some things have changed.  


The smallest, simplest, shouldn't-even-make-me-blink things make me feel self-conscious, silly, out of place, or very small and at a loss for how to respond.  After almost two years - asking permission to get into bed with him makes me stare at the floor, giggle, and act like the silly, pre-teen girl i never was.  I've asked him, but he won't tell me how he wants me to be in that situation, and I feel like i have no idea at all how to respond.  As a ritual, it ought to make me feel very submissive, quiet, demure maybe - but this one doesn't do that for me.

He sometimes gives me tasks - with a  time frame - and they are things that shouldn't be that hard.  This post by Jake hit on one thing.  Occasionally, my husband will send me links to websites and ask me to choose three things - usually they are toys, of a sort.  He makes it clear that he may or may not ever purchase what i choose, but he wants me to show him what i've picked.  I find this incredibly difficult to do.  It is hard for me to show him what i might or might not want; to think about what really does arouse me; to admit, even to him, what i so very much don't want to admit i find intriguing.  


I don't think he's going for humiliation; somehow to me, humiliation seems like it should be deathly serious.   But he gets an evil grin when something is clearly hard for me, or makes me uncomfortable, or better yet gets me to blush.  He has that Chesire Cat grin every night when i ask to get into bed.  And he pushes forward with these kinds of tasks with the same glint.


There's a really fine line for me between uncomfortable, makes me feel silly or self conscious, or even blush - and over the edge into angry, or shut down, or totally pissed off.  So maybe that's the thing...Sometimes it feels like play - in the very best senses of the word: not so deathly serious, joyous, connecting - like the bedtime ritual.  But it's also got a challenge to it every time, it's him pushing me to go with him and keep myself from moving into anger and withdrawal.  


I still have trouble (obviously) thinking about us in terms of humiliation.  Mostly, i imagine that some things are really just that, in principle, it's just that i'm such a weenie/cheap date/easy target - take your pick - that it hardly seems the right term.  I've also had a fairly dim view of the idea of humiliation used in this way - which is to say, honestly, it scares me.  


This is another area where i really don't know my husband's feelings about the whole thing either.  If past experience is any indication - there is more to it somewhere deep in my head than what i see right now, and in his as well.  I have to add though, that two recent posts, one by mouse and one by sin both gave me a different perspective than i had before.  It's not where i am, or where we are i suppose, but a nicer view than i had previously.  

"You know this isn't a punishment, right?"

I was bent over the bed with his belt being applied to my ass at the time those words were spoken.

But he was right, and i did know it wasn't a punishment.  It was a re-set though.  And i needed it.

I had been increasingly cranky over the day.  Not snarky.  He knows that if he ignores that, it dies pretty quickly from a lack of attention.  But i was moody and withdrawn and pouting and rebuffing his attention, which he hates much more than smart-assed or even snarky.

I know he has learned how to spank me in a way that cuts through the foul mood.  It's not erotic and it's not taking me off to a happy place.  It starts out harder than a long session of impact and pain would, but never moves into that kind of intensity either. He stopped - i thought too soon. I wanted it to ramp up and go on a much longer time.  But that wasn't the purpose this time.   And he was right.  I got up mellowed and happy to be close to him.  I apologized and thanked him.

I think this kind of pain gives me something to be pissed and cranky at:  it lets me build up those emotions, focus them at something, then release them altogether.  It also greatly reassures me that he wants me a certain way and cares to help me be there.

I know the topic of punishment, especially using pain as punishment in a D/s relationship, is debated and is unique to each set of people involved.  I know it is possible to produce an altogether different type and level of pain than would happen during play, enough that it would be punitive and cause aversion.  I am certain he could do this.

But i also know that i have a relationship to pain that i don't comprehend at all and am only beginning to see the shape of.  And i know there are a lot of switches in his head (good ones) that get flipped in inflicting pain on me, but i won't even try to guess at the overall lay of the land in there.  I have no idea if his view on punishment is a philosophical thing, or a desire not to complicate an already complex use of pain between us, or something else, or a combination.....

Whatever i think or guess might be good for me or that i think i want doesn't matter.  He doesn't use spanking or other real  pain as punishment.  He may tweak or swat or pinch or bite to get my attention or emphasize a point, but as a consequence or a deterrent or retribution, no.

In the end, it probably doesn't matter what you call this kind of spanking - punishment maybe, reminder, re-set, attitude adjustment, maintenance.... in the end (yes - a pun) it works.  And, contrary to how i've approached everything else, I haven't felt compelled to understand and label and second guess this.  I've been able to go along and even be thankful that he seems to have figured out what works for us.

playing vs. really taking the leap

I can sometimes get fixated on a particular question or idea and get myself worked up and convinced it's all falling apart, or never really was in the first place.  Recently I've circled back around to an issue that has come up a lot before: the idea that i need my husband to fit a role i recognize in order for me to know how to behave. In other words, that i need him to call himself my Dominant or my Master and then to act the way i think he should in that role in order for me to be able to submit to him.


There is a person (other than my husband) that  i talk to about D/s, ttwd, and relationships in general.  I contacted him a long time ago, when i first came to my husband and asked him to not let me say no any longer.  I had so many questions, and so much fear.  This person, this friend, doesn't make suggestions or give advice, and he has never requested i do anything, has never asked anything of me.  He has, however, very patiently answered my questions, discussed ideas and concepts, given counterpoint to my views, helped me learn to form better questions, and helped me to see my own answers.


So i recently brought up this issue - that sometimes I can't get past the feeling that my submission means nothing to my husband, that it isn't really submission - it's just me randomly doing stuff.

My friend was more blunt than usual in his response:

I think it is in those moments that you continue doing the things that matter to you even when you think he does not care that you are being your most submissive. I believe that if you can only feel your submission through his dominance or if you can only feel value in it when he forces it from you then you have not really submitted yet. You are playing a game of action and reaction, if you like me, I will like you back. If you love me, I will love you back. If you dominate me, I will submit. However it does not work this way...... you submit because it is who you are, because it makes you happy, because it full fills you and in doing so you make those around you happy as well. 

It is all about you when you decide to let go of expectation and give yourself to him and take joy in the way he enjoys that. That he does not, in your opinion, reciprocate in the way you want is the wrong kind of selfishness. It is attitude that says you must be as I want you instead of a attitude that says I serve because it makes me happy and I accept who you are as you do of me.

I needed to hear this.  

I have needed to let go of the image in my head.   

I have needed to recognize how self centered of me to want him to be what i think he should be rather than knowing i love and respect him already. 

I have needed to let go of contrived notions and just serve him.

I have needed to just be what he has all along told me he wants me to be.

aftercare

I have always fought being taken care of, in any context (see my previous post).  Slowly i am learning to accept his input into my life - which means not just being quiet, listening and following through - but also being ok with it in my head - not fighting it mentally even while i do what he ask's.

I think I have learned and grown as much through the time after playing hard as i have from pretty much anything else.  Learning to submit to him physically is one thing: to accept the pain or control, or whatever he chooses, plays right into my tough and strong image of myself.  Of course it has all those sexual benefits, and creates intimacy between us and reinforces our trust and understanding of each other.  But oddly, even when brought to tears, intense play doesn't create the kind of vulnerability in me as his taking care of me afterwards.

It has been an evolution, like everything else.  After intense play, i am of course more open and softer, i feel closer to him and want to be near him; but, i had kept a certain amount of awareness and vigilance in order to be in control of myself, to take care of myself.   Over time though, i have fallen deeper in and i lose myself more and more.  Being able to let go and crawl to him, to really need him, to have my only instinct be to search out the safety of his arms, has had the most profound effect on me.  

taking care of me

Yesterday was a nuts day and on the way home from bringing the last kid from the last activity, the car suddenly started dragging something large and metal.  Husband out of town means no alternative ride to work tomorrow for me.  None of us (me or the boys) quite fit under the car to wire the shield back into place and I'm not willing to crawl under to do it with the car jacked up with only a tire jack.  Since it was hanging by just one rusty connector anyhow - i decided to pull it the rest of the way off.  Now at least i could go to work tomorrow.

I did call my husband to tell him about it.  I knew he couldn't do anything about it from where he was, and he knew i wasn't calling to ask him to.  We needed to make arrangements to get it fixed for real, and i wanted to tell him about the crazy evening - just because he's my husband and he's who i tell those things to.

It struck me later that this was completely us .  There are things he does for me because that's how we've evolved as a couple (spiders and other big bugs are all his; snakes and bats are my responsibility).  But in the end, if something needs doing, and i'm the one there, i do it.

I have this image in my head of myself as strong and tough.  Actually, I am strong and self reliant  and - well - tough in a lot of  ways.  It sounds very un-feminine and not particularly attractive put this way, and quite often that's how i feel, but my husband appreciates enough of the upsides of it and adamantly professes not to miss the parts i lack.  

He tells people that he truly fell in love with me on our first long trip together, really remote/backcountry camping/canoeing.  I'm sure that whatever feminine charms i may have ever possessed were long gone after a few days of storms and mosquitoes and swamps and sweat, but he was so excited that i enjoyed that kind of thing, knew what i was doing, and carried my own weight.

On the other hand, my image of how i think i am and need to be sometimes interferes with my relationship with him.  It's a twisted, turned around thing - what he wants most is to take care of me; it is what he has always wanted and never felt i really accepted from him.  It seems to be a pretty deep and strong thing for him, and he's right, I wouldn't allow it.  I don't accept help easily.  And the more specific and personal and important it is, the harder it is to accept.  

I wouldn't be able to tolerate being pampered or coddled, or put on  a pedestal - i would hate it.  And that was what i always imagined would happen if i gave in and allowed him to take care of me.  I figured it was just a slippery slope straight to weak and lazy and incompetent.


It turns out that wasn't what he had in mind though.  He had in mind guiding, supporting, protecting, encouraging, advising - all good things really.  And furthermore he never wanted me to slack off, or stop pushing myself or use his help as a reason to not work hard myself.  


As it turns out, this all fits with D/s pretty well.  In fact, it has given me a context to understand and be able to reconcile what he wants with who i am.  He can take care of me: he can direct and advise and influence any part of my life he wants to.  He can also ask or demand that i do things - whatever kinds if things - the point is that the service part of submission sets it up so that i am still expected to work and push myself and not have a chance to get lazy or incompetent. 


And i can accept all of it because i have agreed to accept it - so simple yet such a profound shift for me. I think this was probably intuitive for him - i have a feeling he will say that he knew this all along - it didn't need a special "lifestyle" to work and that i make things needlessly complex.  He's probably right.  

different way of seeing the same thing

I've had disagreements with people over what goes on inside people's heads.  I can ask my husband and one of my sons at any given moment what they are thinking about and they may have an answer or they may reply, "nothing." I contend it is humanly impossible to be thinking about nothing at all in any waking moment.  This has led to some serious hard feelings because i assume they must be lying, and they of course don't appreciate this assumption.

My other son is very much like me - there is no time that there is not a constant stream of thought, often several at once, running through his head. It is very noisy in there.  And as littlemonkey points out, it is extremely hard to hear oneself really think, hard to form the important thoughts, with all the chatter.

Needless to say, inside my head, a good deal of  the conversation has had to do with my relationship with my husband, with learning how to relate to each other in a whole new way.  But also, in questioning why or how, in wondering if this or that was right or good or not, and in worrying, oh the worrying.  I found in the very beginning that blogging - the act of writing my thoughts in a (hopefully) coherent way helped organize the background noise a bit.  It allowed me to hear and examine certain trains of thought.  It still does.

I don't know if there are important thoughts i should be having- as much as i feel like sometimes i just need to stop the ones i have.  Because there is a portion of the background chatter that is doubt.

If i stop worrying about our dynamic - will it come to a grinding halt?  If i take my eye off the ball, will he drop it?

And yes, this does seem like a lack of trust, or seen another way - my holding onto control.  Which of course worries me and creates a whole new bunch of chatter in my head.


Is there a point at which i am supposed to be able to stop thinking about it all?  Either just stop, or am i missing the part where i am supposed to turn it all over to him?  Honestly, i dont think that would be what he would want; he has no interest at all in me checking out mentally from anything - unless he tells me to - he is in fact very much opposed to that.  So i guess i just answered my own question,  but i also know that he would not want me obsessing about things this way.  He would say to just stop thinking and do.


I talked to him about this: about the fact that i still hold onto some doubt - or lack of trust.   I worry that if i let myself let go and give up the mental vigilance about us, that it will poof away or at least stagnate and die a slow death.  I expected him to be disappointed, or frustrated with me.  To tell me to stop thinking that way.

He said he likes that i think about our relationship, that i want to pay attention to it and not let it backslide, that i want to keep improving it.   He doesn't feel it as a lack of trust in him or an attempt to maintain control.

I have no idea if this is just a nice spin he has put on it, or whether the worry about lack of trust and holding onto control is really only in my head (what are the odds?) and not at all how he sees it.  It's a smart move on his part though.  Telling me not to feel that way or not to worry about it would never work.  Telling me he wants me to be concerned and actively involved in our relationship means it is impossible for me to worry about whether i should stop thinking certain ways.

he's in my head

I would love, love, love to sit here all day navel gazing, and pondering, and coming to a whole new understanding of our lives together, and writing something profound that unlocks new ways of seeing things for me...blah, blah, blah. I could soooo go for another cup of coffee, curl up with a blanket and forget the rest of the world for the day.

Instead, i've already started and finished a number of things, have other things in process, and have a day full of work stuff, and home stuff, and a (f@*&ing long run) lined up on my to do list.

I tried to finish one of several posts i've been working on for awhile, and i can't - because he's in my head.   And i can't drown out his voice long enough to hear my own.  At least not my voice about blogging- because, as much as he does want me to write here, and he likes to read what i write, it's much lower down on his priority list, somewhere after my job, and our home, and the kids, and - oh yea - HIM.  Go figure.

So the post about how we are or aren't really 24/7, and about how i am not sure i really feel submissive enough or in service enough, or dedicated enough to him over my own wishes, will have to wait - because in my head he is now tapping his foot and giving me the evil eye...  Oh the irony!

things that make you wonder how your head works

My husband summoned me to bed.

As i entered the bedroom, the crop and two canes were lying prominantly out on the trunk.

 A few days ago i had missed doing one of the things i am supposed to do and there had been a demonstration of his feelings about that.  I was reassured that i am indeed supposed to do this thing.

So, at the sight of the implements i started working back to figure out what i had missed, or maybe where my attitude had been off, to make him feel like i needed this kind of attention.

But i came up with nothing.  Now - i'm certainly not perfect - but i thought the past few days had been pretty smooth.

So i asked - "Why the toys?  Haven't i been good?"

And he replied, "Oh you have been a good girl, those are my good girl toys."

uh huh, sure it is...

The nice lady at the nice furniture store where i was window shopping said it is extra seating to have around, a new concept in living room furniture, but very handy, and that it's really comfortable.  She even demonstrated, sitting perched on it very carefully.  I have to say, she didn't really look comfortable.

It looked a lot like something else entirely to me.

reality is pretty damn good too

I may not be able to spell out specifics for my fantasies - but two main elements are always there:  the edge of anxiety, the nerves for the unknown and impending; and the disconnectedness.

I think one reason D/s works, or maybe it's just a very happy side effect, at least in the realm of sex, is that it re-introduces that level of on-edge, the butterflies and anticipation that get lost over years of being together.  Kneeling in bed, naked, my back to the door, waiting, hearing him approach, jumping when he finally touches me... There is so much more to it than there was before, I am so much more there, my whole body listens for him.  D/s brings this element of fantasy to reality.

On the other hand, I don't want disconnectedness in my real life.  I miss my husband when he's away, and even more so when we are together but pulled by life in other directions.  I anticipate the times we are able to come back together.  Things change.  My body becomes hyper-aware, sensitized, focused on it's emptiness.  My being becomes lighter, calmer, easier.

Last night he was coming home, but very late.  Through the day there were plans hinted at, tasks assigned, and pictures requested.  The boys went to bed as usual and I waited.  10 minutes after he texted to say he had landed, boy # 1 woke up, wide awake.  This never happens.  My guys sleep! 

So i texted to tell him the boy was up and worked very hard not to give into the disappointment.  I can be a touch pouty and unpleasant when disappointed, it doesn't usually lead to good feelings on either side.

He apparently changed his plans on the go.  I was told to wait on the bed.  He found ways to get me where he wanted me without the noise: he put the leather collar on me and the clamps, he opened me and filled all the emptiness and pushed to the point of pain.  He manipulated and abused me, and in the middle of it all, he whispered in my ear, "You are all mine."

By the end i was trembling and shaking and not thinking on my own.  I was entirely focused on him, could only act if he instructed.  I crawled up the bed and into him.  I couldn't get close enough.  He surrounded me and we drifted off.

I wouldn't trade that feeling for any fantasy, ever!

My husband has at times asked me to tell him some of my fantasies. Sounds simple right - sounds like what all married couples do, or should do.  But it has come up a few times and i have always balked until it gets dropped.

This is a really, really hard topic for me.  Frankly i think i'm defective. My brain, my imagination, my sub-conscious - whatever it is - just doesn't work right.

I am analytical, a problem solver, all about form and function.  I am not imaginative or artistic or most anything typically associated with being female.

What there has been for me, in my head, when i let my mind wander to the things that arouse and excite hasn't been something i could write out or tell.  There is no scene, no back story, no scenario, no predicament per se - no people - no person - not even  a gender.

It has been about what i feel, sense, experience and it has been extremely ill defined.  Or rather, the types of things i feel and sense and the mental state i am put into is the fantasy - that is defined - but that is all there is.  In my mind i can feel the exposure, the edge of fear, the vulnerability, the uncertainty, the desire to get away and the knowlege that i can't....

Trying to give this enough shape and substance to articulate it is what led to my previous post.

And writing that post, and re-reading it made me see that it is a fairly dark thing; a desire to annihilate myself for someone else.  I think this took my husband aback some.  I know it made me stop and think.

I don't actually want  to lose myself, i don't really want to be unattached and disconnected and lost.  What i wrote about, the impression of my fantasy, was that it would consume all parts of my life, all of me; but fantasies aren't meant to be reality.

Apparently there are aspect to me that i hadn't realized, and which are still not very clear. Maybe this has implications for everyday life.  Maybe it is better explored in a more limited context, or not at all.  That is all up to him.

fantasy vs. intimacy

All along i've thought of it as fantasy vs reality.  Of course the stuff that turns me on to read can't happen in real life.  But specifically why not?

There's the stuff of fiction and erotica and fantasy, some of the particular themes that hook me: someone unknown and dark and mysterious and in authority - someone who is very, very serious - who i, for some reason, really want to please - who pushes me and challenges me and has expectations of me - even scares me a bit, or more than a bit.  A big part of it is that I don't know him, and especially, he doesn't know me.  I have to learn his ways and his desires.  Most importantly, my own expectations of myself become moot  - forgotten, completely irrelevant.

I am to be molded, changed, no longer myself, and most to the point, no longer responsible for myself.

Or maybe shown a new me that i didn't know was always there.

For this fantasy, this story to work, i can't have connections.  I need to have no connections to other people, no family, no attachments, and no real connection to myself.  Because in the fantasy - no time is spent worrying about my wishes or desires, or even my state of mind.  In fact, there is no getting to know me at all.  It is all about my becoming something else - what i was is irrelevant.  

In reality - it's never going to happen.  Quite the opposite in fact.  My husband knows me - we keep learning more about each other.  He pushes me, but to be more *me*, not someone else.  He does what he wants, and gets what he wants out of me, but what he wants is influenced by who i am, who he knows me to be.

He has no interest whatsoever in my relinquishing responsibility, for the mundane, or in a deeper sense for myself.   

So for me, really - i think it's intimacy vs. fantasy.  What ttwd does for us, has done for us, is exponentially increase the bare-it-all intimacy.  We have to really face each other, but we have to face ourselves as well.

The idea still really pulls at me, in small ways (order me to do things, tie me down and do what *you* want, ignore my pleasure) -  and in the big picture (take over me completely, remove my will, maybe this is where humiliation comes in).  The idea of of his discounting me as he knows me and replacing that with his vision - that has strong appeal.

Fantasy is just that - and i don't know the why's about it all: why do i have these fantasies, why do these themes grab me so forcefully?

I imagine a big part of it is that intimacy is so much harder:  it is more work, it's emotional, it requires a lot of investment, it is always appealing to relinquish responsibility in a world in which there is too much of that anyhow, i don't always like what i see when i face myself....

i wonder if i'm fooling myself

There's an underlying theme or current to my thinking lately.  Well - several really - but one feels important - the others are just annoying.

This past weekend, a seemingly small, seemingly very non-ttwd related thing made me realize part of what has had me somewhat bottled up lately.

We were at a sporting event, and a woman had her very brand new baby with her.  Baby was adorable and slept a good bit.  But baby also needed to be changed and nursed and tended to, all of which mom did without missing a beat.  This was not her first baby.

That's not the part that triggered any deep thoughts for me - I love my boys, but i am long past finished with the baby thing.

Her husband is what made me stop and think.

He told her exactly how and when and what to do: how to hold the baby, what angle to have her mouth to nurse, how long to feed her, what outfit to change her into, how to fix the diaper, when to burp her, on and on....  every detail.  And she did - whatever he said, she just stopped, changed gears and did what he said,  apologetically even.

My blood boiled, instantly; and i didn't know these people.  How dare he?  When did he last nurse a baby?  She wasn't having any difficulty, was managing easily on her own.  Why on earth would he be treating her like that?  Why did this not annoy the daylights out of her?  Why did she just go along?  

I had buckets of righteous indignation on her behalf.  And of course - nowhere at all to go with it.

I will never know what to make of this interaction: Was she walking on eggshells because there was something bigger going on in their lives?  Is that just how he is and it's easier to go along to get along?  Does she really lack confidence in this area and just puts on a good front when he's not around?  Does she appreciate the help?  Is this the type of relationship each of them really wants?  Does this type of direction and ultra- micro-management actually meet a larger need for her? For him? Is it intentional for them, or just a pattern worn into their relationship because it is the path of least resistance?  

After fighting back my indignation - i tried to turn it all around in my head.

Mostly I wondered about my visceral response to the whole thing.  I would never, could never...  tolerate it, put up with it, get myself to a place where i could respond reasonably or politely to being commanded that way, much less live like that.

And that's what hit me.  I really don't think i could.  I don't think i could submit to that. Even if it were in the context of my relationship and our agreement, i  found no part of it endearing, or even intriguing or enticing.  For me, there are things he pushes me on, things he wants to be a challenge for me, and this is a good thing for me.  But I couldn't even view this in that light.

So - what if he would want or need to for some reason start treating me this way?  What if he decided it was what i needed?  How would i respond, would i even be able to try to cope?  My gut says no.

So - am i really submissive?  Because my response in this case was incredibly non-submissive, in fact my feelings were anti-submissive.

I know that there are huge flaws in this kind of reasoning.  Taking hypotheticals to extremes doesn't really answer a question.

But it made me focus on the same feelings in my own context.  There are times that i have the same indignation, the same flare of anger and instinctive rebellion.  It's a different scale, and i'm learning to recognize it and at least suppress the expression of it - mostly.  In a non-D/s context - that makes our interactions smoother - waiting to respond rationally and even respectfully in spite of feeling anything but.

In a D/s context though, i wonder what makes me think i am submissive at all, if my first reaction to anything that pushes at my ego a bit is to push back.

it's about him

As someone pointed out to me recently - this whole journey is about communicating, which is to say- knowing ourselves and knowing each other.

We've been together far too long for either of us to be living under any delusions.  We are not googly eyed or swooning or seeing each other through rose colored glasses.  That's the thing with being honest, I see my own faults, and his, as does he.   But we see the genuine good too.

The structure we live now allows my husband to know me because i cant hide: he can push, and he can expect, he can dig.  It also allows me to know him better, not because i can ask or push, although i certainly can ask and  i do push,  and we do talk openly.  But he retains the right to say 'enough.'   Also though, in seeing the things he asks, where he pushes, where he doesn't want me to go, what he does or doesn't want of me, i get to know him better.   

Sometimes i forget though.  I shift the focus from him to his actions and wants.  Maybe even from him as my husband to him as A Dom,  not even necessarily my dom, just a dom.  It is intoxicating, the dominance thing.  I wonder if he finds submission, my submission, equally intoxicating.  I wonder if i really want the answer to that question.  

But i need to not lose focus.  It's not about the D/s,  it's abut him and me.  The D/s is background, structure, maybe the code that it is written in, but it isn't the product, it isn't the story, it isn't the goal and it isn't what i'm in love with or married to.  

parallel conversations

On a drive, with the whole family, through the part of town built by the industrial barons in the early part of the last century - the gorgeous old stone  mansions half hidden down the drive, beyond the pines and hardwoods....
Talking about what it might be like to live in one of those houses.....
Feeling a bit feisty and bold....

Me (dreamy, far away look in my eye):  We could build a dungeon

Husband (stern, 'be careful where you tread' look in his eye):  Oh yea ??

Boys in the back seat:  Ooh!  yea, cool! Could we?

One of the boys:  What would we put in it?

Husband:  Bad people.

Me: Implements of torture.

Boys:  ~ naming all sorts of medieval weapons ~

Husband (with a  distinct glint and sneer):  Your mom.


Boys:  Hmm... (serious consideration going on)  what could we tell the police when they come?

on the verge - or - wishful thinking

It seems to be a season or something - in my very limited corner of this world - blogs disappearing or taking breaks or bloggers at least contemplating such things.

I don't think it's just a case of catching what's going around - but i've had similar thoughts for a while now:  I'm boring, I'm bored, my life is all real life and no ttwd, we're here - where ever here is, the journey is over, nothing more to see, nothing more to learn, nothing more to write about...

The power, the control, the submission, and the kink seem to be fairly static these days.

They are there.  They fit and they work and they are comfortable.

But they are not new, exciting, challenging, thrilling...

So maybe i've confused an absence of angst, with ennui - funny that it has to feel hard to seem right.

Or maybe we're gathering strength for a growth spurt - like my teenagers do.

I have a lot of half baked thoughts started, but i can't seem to pin them down or make sense of them, and i really can't seem to see the big picture right now.

But you know the feeling you get when you know there's something you're getting set to figure out?  I've got that.

I started this blog with really very poorly defined goals - but the general idea was for me to have a way to let my husband know some of the things that were in my head that I couldn't just talk out with him.

He reads here - daily-  but only mentions anything to me if it really strikes him.

When i talked to him about feeling like i might want to end this, he asked me to reconsider.  He said he would like to continue to have this window into my head.

So i will continue; perhaps it will be of interest to no one but him, but hopefully it will help me sort out the ideas that seem to be lurking out of reach for right now.

there are no stupid questions....

......just a lot of really curious idiots

So, here's my (apparently) stupid question.

It started with a simple observation - one which i've made more than a few times before and for which i eventually ended up - not punished - cuz we don't do that - let's say - convinced and reassured of his view on the matter in a very concrete way

The more access he has to my body - my tits in particular - the sooner he will get bored with them - right?    There is a shelf life and the novelty will wear off and all that - yes?  Ergo - access should be limited?

Well - the answer apparently is NO.   To all of the above.  And i am to remember that.  So forget i mentioned it.

Fair enough.

But - what about all of me?  Not my body - that was explicitly included under the above mentioned reassurance episode.

But - what about all of me?  

If i am an open book, and there is no mystery, and i do my best to be as he wants, as complicated as that is...

When the limits have been pushed as far as reasonable and then some, and there is no more to push, no more challenge, and it is all just too easy....

When he knows me that well....

What then?????

girl

good girl vs little girl

It was drilled into us in college - not to use the word girl - cuz it's demeaning and condescending and disrespectful

and sometimes it really is - i've met those people and had it used on me that way - it sucks

but now i love hearing good girl, being his girl.  it's a special kind of code - has a special meaning - from him

I had a coworker who said "good girl" to me- it surprised me - i don't know him well, but it wasn't disrespect - I have no idea if this is just his way - or if it slipped out  - makes you wonder


but the other day - i was being a little - perhaps - annoying. My husband used "little girl" in a quite pointed way - not a compliment or term of endearment at all - it sent a whole different message and was it's own code word - i wasn't what he wanted at that moment.

it's good to be reminded

Lot's of weeks, when he's gone and life is busy and i get totally caught up in my work and taking care of the kids, i move into a different mindset.

I start to forget I'm his, not really my own.  The longer or more busy and stressful the time apart, the further away i get from really knowing that.  Not that i doubt it - if anyone asked i would certainly say it was so without any hesitation.

But my deeper consciousness forgets it.  I can say the right words and give the right answers, but i have to force it, i don't feel it; i put it on instead of it coming from within.  Sometimes i can't even put it on.  Sometimes - well - sometimes i say all  the wrong things all the wrong way.

So it's a good thing when he comes home and right away he reminds me, forcefully and with few words, that i am his.

proving ourselves

There are some submissive sorts of things that my husband doesn't want, or ask of me, or care to have in place: things like addressing him by a title, my not using furniture, or my not speaking without permission.  When i've asked him why or why not, he says it's because he doesn't need to prove himself and doesn't need me to prove myself.  

That seems like a straightforward answer; but, even just in trying to write that sentence, it becomes clear that it isn't so simple.  Prove what?  To whom?  What would be adequate proof of anything anyhow?  Prove himself to me? To someone else?  Anyone else? This is clearly not a concern for him in the least.  Prove to me that he is - what? - in charge, superior, in control, better, bigger, stronger?   That he is looking out for me?  That he is in our relationship and in our hearts what we have said we are to each other?
  

I grew up in a household in which the phrase, "if you loved me, you would ........." was always in the air.  That was how i believed love was supposed to work.

With my first few serious boyfriends, i played that game.  Pop culture and media fed right into this of course: if you loved me you would bring flowers, set up romantic dates, make grand plans, maybe write poetry....  It seemed like exactly how it was supposed to work and it's how everyone did it.  Of course i had to play my part too - cute little surprises, maybe stuffed animals, celebrate the anniversary of everything, wear sexy clothes, fancy underwear underneath, and of course put out.

It all felt so uncomfortable, so difficult and awkward.  I assumed the problem was me though, not the system.  "Of course this is how love works, I'm just not very good at it."   Towards the demise of my last relationship, before my husband, I caught myself telling my then boyfriend that if he were really devoted to me he should get me a specific gift.  He did, and when i opened it, my heart sank - i realized all at once how completely stupid it all was, how stupid I had been.

I've not played those games since.  And neither has my husband, even dating, courting, neither of us fell into that trap.  There has never been even an implied, "If you loved me...."  between us.


In the context of our D/s relationship though, i find myself very much wanting to prove myself, or wanting to show him, or to please him.   Are those three different?  Or are they just shades of the same impulse:  if i narrow it down to "prove to him" i think they are just degrees of the same thing.  I have a strong desire to show him my love, my appreciation, my affection for him.  And a very strong desire to submit, to him.

This is where it gets sticky for me.   If it isn't as proof of my willingness to do as he asks, to follow him - what are acts of submission?  And for that matter - if not ways to request i prove my willingness to do as he asks - what is dominance?

He does have in place other rituals or rules that would seem to be similar in nature to the ones he doesn't care for.  Thing that seem to be ways to ask me to submit or to prove my willingness - things like obtaining permission before getting in bed, having a bedtime, etc.  He so clearly enjoys much of the structure of the whole thing and he often exercises his right to ask anything of me, at anytime. Often it seems he asks things of me for his amusement - and that is a great feeling, to be able to amuse and entertain him.   Those are usually fairly simple things, but they make him happy.

Sometimes i feel like he does test me, which is the same as saying a way of asking for proof.  But i think they are tests when he feels i need to be tested, either for the containment of it, or the refocus, or because i doubt myself and need to see myself succeed.  But honestly, it has never felt like he asks anything of me because he is trying to reassure himself that i will comply.  And it never seems that he needs the test to satisfy something within himself.  

Frankly, i think i wish he would want to test me more, that he would really need that, thrive on it, get off on it.  Somehow I feel like he should crave harder and harder things of me, so he can satisfy his dominance - so i can prove my submission.  Every once in awhile, i do catch myself thinking, "if you were dominant, you would..."   But then the obvious hits me: that's about me wanting to satisfy my submissive cravings and desires at that moment, and has nothing to do with what he is or isn't.  Just as "if you loved me, you would..." has nothing to do with love.