New Year

I'm different from most people in some ways, one of which is that i tend to live very much in the now; i don't pine away for the past and i don't wish away my life dreaming about what's to come; i don't live in regret for what's already done and i don't tend to get swallowed up in anxiety or dread about what may happen in the future.

That sounds like such a zen,self-actualized, positive kind of thing.  It's not necessarily.  Sometimes i feel childish or simpleminded, or that my psyche is somehow not quite grown up, like other people have access to more of life because they can live in their pasts and their futures and not just their presents.

Right now especially, i'm wishing i could fast forward.  This year has been a difficult one, the past few months especially.  I am slogging through rather than living and experiencing and participating.  And i know my husband is in his own same boat.  The fact that this comes at a time when the calendar dictates that we ought to be jolly and carefree and full of joy is not a help.

Our dynamic is just that - living, changing, in motion.... And the forces behind its movement are he and I. My force is clearly different from his, but we both impact the whole.  When he and I are low, so is the dynamic, which it is indeed right now.

Another (very un-sexy, un-interesting, un-attractive) trait of me is that i tend to just put my head down and do.  The only way through is through, so i keep slogging.  And so i will.

This year though - uncharacteristically - i am looking forward to the New Year. I know that my un-dramatic, no-nonsense, just do what needs to be done, way of being is not always so bleak.  Most often i ride on top of the waves, thriving on the challenges and the pace.  I'm looking forward to being back there, and i'm looking forward to having some force to give to Us to help move Us along as well.

scattered

I'm fairly outside focused recently - it's necessary - it's the time of year, the time spent out of town with my father's death and funeral and being with my family there, ran right into the cycle my job is in, overlaps with where the kids are in their worlds right now, coincides with the holidays and everything that goes with that -   and my husband is in the same spot - our Venn circles overlapping somewhat, but big areas of our own as well....

So my mind is organized pretty well right now for managing life at home, or i'm trying for that anyhow -  the next few weeks, my job, etc - a little overwhelmed maybe - but getting it under control.

Our relationship becomes a less prominent piece of the puzzle at times like this.  Or - there is just more doing and less thinking about it.  Or less coherent thinking about it.

Which - it occurs to me sounds like ignoring Him or ignoring us - which it is not - this is - I think - exactly where he wants me to be and what  he wants me to be doing - focused on what needs to be done, focused on the family, trying to help move us from time interrupted into the holidays in a sane way.  That is important to him.

Which makes me think about the fact that many of the things that are important to him are not at all sexy, subversive, kinky, or even remotely titillating: good nutrition and  home cooked meals, keeping the family's schedule rolling smoothly, getting in some exercise in the face of cold/snow and routines in flux, a holiday season that is about family and peace and  joy, allowing him the room to do his job and to allow him to help where needed so i can do mine, and the hardest for me - recognizing that his frustration and preoccupation and upset are not at or because of me - to let those roll and neither take them personally nor try to fix them.

Oh - and the really, really hard and not at all fun or interesting expectation -  to be content with his expectations being mundane and not particularly fun or interesting.


 

connections

I am at a hotel, nearby the house where I grew up, where my parents still live, actually - where my mom still lives.  My father passed away last week, or this week, time has been enormously distorted here.

We, his immediate family, spent his last 72 hours at his bedside, taking turns overnight, just being with him, talking to him, praying, blessing him, watching him struggle to breath, watching his spirit go, and then his mind, and finally his body.

We welcomed so many people who came to sit and be with him as well, or who came to lend their strength to my mother.  They sit awhile and bring a new, quiet energy, an outside breath of air. We have been swimming is such a private, intense and overwhelming sea of emotions.

They have come even after his passing.  Some to sit and visit.  Some who help with the necessary work, or the tasks we do because my mother is a doer, not a sit and just be person.

Her sister came and has stayed, her sister who has always been her advocate, with no conflicting loyalties, squarely and solidly in my mother's corner. It's a support she needs, someone to assure her needs are not ignored as she is forever, first and foremost a caregiver.

The visits, the calls, the notes and emails and relayed messages - all help buoy us, they add needed energy. This surprises me a little.  As a family of introverts, we are each accustomed to retreating and re-building ourselves.  The connections each of us has made over many years are coming back to us.

Finally our families arrived, mine and my sisters.  We are depleted and our own families renew us, strengthen us, and my mother as well - she soaks up the love from the grandchildren, the family together holiday, the full house.

Alone in the hotel room, my husband blindfolds and binds me.  I am screaming in protest in my head; this is the wrong time, i'm in no good headspace, please no.  But he uses the binds to force me to accept his touch, to allow him to hold me.  He wraps himself around me and holds on until i start to melt. Until I can let go of the control I've been holding onto so tightly.  I'm the oldest, the strong one, the one you want in a crisis, the rational decision maker.  But that's not His me.  He wants to hold His.  And so He does.



It seems odd to me that i feel compelled to write here in such a time as this.  I can't talk right now though - this allows me to measure my words, express myself without completely releasing my grip on the control i need.  And it gives me the quiet escape the introvert i am needs.

For him, at long last, peace.  

Superfreak

Every once in awhile, after - you know - he will look at me and tell me how happy he is that i'm "His kinky girl."

It makes me feel a little weird, it's not at all the same as being "His girl" - partly it's the words, suddenly Superfreak is playing in my head....

Partly it's because i think i'm the lucky one: he jumped in and ran with it when i brought him some shocking and sordid fantasies after years of very plain vanilla.  I was sure i was risking his respect and his love and our marriage revealing myself at the time.  Instead he was willing to change and explore and find a new side of himself.  I'm so grateful for that.

He has a less dramatic take on it - "You mean I get to fuck you in whichever hole, however, where ever, and when ever i want...?  Yes - you're right, you are so lucky I agreed to that"

visuals

He's out of town again - awhile this time

When he's gone, he asks for pictures.

I have incredibly mixed, and mixed up feelings about this.  Some of them, very negative.

I'm writing this, and i know he will read this, and i know he knows most of this, maybe all of it, but i also know he uses what i write here to gauge my mental state, get a different kind of glimpse into my brain, and there is the risk he will change his behavior based on what i write.  Or  not - no way to know.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with being honest with him and especially how that isn't manipulation; he doesn't let me top, he does want to know what i think and feel.

I don't want to influence him to change - i want me to change

I don't like the way i look.  And that's all there is in a picture- looks - especially the kind of picture he wants.  I'm middle aged, and a real person - no airbrushing, no surgery, no artistic lighting....I'm not a girl from a magazine, or TV, and I'm definitely not a girl from porn. We'll just leave it at that - you don't need the list of how i diverge from the ideal.

Sometimes i'm happy to send pictures - happy he wants me, happy for the connection from a distance, happy he likes my looks...

Sometimes i'm not happy about it, but i will do what he wants because he wants it, and doing easy things for him isn't much, doing things that are hard because he asks - that is worth something to me.  

And sometimes it puts me in a tailspin.  

There's no way for him to know which way I'll go with it - i don't even know.

words.....

....and how He defines them for me.

We are not deathly serious here chez nous.  We joke and tease and poke and laugh, and sarcasm is rampant.  We have always been this way.  There is a whole 'nother layer of innuendo, meaning, warning or submission between us, but no one outside the two of us would know, not even the kids.

But words have power, and lines can be crossed, even in jest, maybe especially in sarcastic joking.

"You're not the boss of me" is, as i now know, not an acceptable phrase in any tone or context.

To me it had no particular significance, just a joke; to him, it carried a great deal of weight - it was consent, and respect and choice to submit.  Now it is all those things to me as well.  Just like that.


He doesn't do punishments.  But yesterday i was subjected to treated to an entire month's worth of caning at one time.  No lead in or warm up, no manageable pace, no nice rubbing or encouraging words, though not, apparently, as hard as possible.  Still...it very much had me in angry tears.  If he did punish, which he doesn't, but if he did - i have to think this is what it would feel like - physically anyhow.

But it wasn't a punishment - it was "what i needed."  Which sounds like a game of semantics, potato/potahto. Somehow he has made it clear in my head that they are different - one is what he does, one is not.  One is right for us, one is not, one is very effective, the other just not necessary.   And our structure, our dynamic flows from there.  

It was in fact what i needed. That "You're not the boss of me" came from somewhere and i did in fact need  re-arranging.  It was followed by some delicious torment with a bag full of clothespins and a pinwheel... but the delicious part wouldn't have been possible without the re-arranging first.

But before that came the words - his words - which i find i pay attention to more so than ever before.

not so complicated

Plenty of things in my life are complicated; there are things i take very, very seriously; and i can take just about anything and overthink it into stupidly impossible complexity.

Some things though are very simple.

I miss my husband when we are apart.

I am needy - except when i'm not.  Right now i am.

I am incredibly horny, and I need to be beaten, to be hurt, badly.

And, right or wrong, this is how and who I am, i can't possibly deny it.

And I am overwhelmed with whatever you call that feeling of wanting to submit, wanting to sit at his feet,  to offer myself completely to him, to have him take in whatever way he likes, even it it's just to allow me to be.

Of course it isn't about me and my wants or Him jumping to accommodate whatever mood i happen to be in - this i know.

I also know that he likes me horny.  He likes satisfying that need, and he likes tormenting me with that need.

He likes hurting me.  And he likes tormenting me and manipulating me with that need also. And he gets just as frustrated when all the rest of life gets in the way of that aspect of us.

And he likes me submissive - he likes that very much - he would like me to be that more often.

Maybe i should work on keeping those things as uncomplicated as they are in my head right now....

sustaining

We woke up to several inches of wet snow this morning.  Fall hadn't really begun yet: it stayed warm and dry until just a few days ago, the leaves have barely begun to change, even the maples, everything is still fully in leaf.  It is so odd to see snow on green, leafy trees and bushes here, incongruous, a glitch in the usual order of things, it's pretty, but at a deep level it just feels not quite right.  Many of the younger, smaller plants couldn't take the weight, all those leaves to capture the wet snow, a lot of broken limbs.

I won't break.  But i'm feeling the weight these days. I suppose this is the natural order of things though:              children trying to grow up, trying to find their own way, and falling as they do, the falls are harder to watch as they get older and the stakes are higher;
      parents at the end of life, that's natural of course, but hard to walk with them through, hard to help the inevitable;
       work for both of us that demands we be really invested and not just that we show up, balancing that against the rest, honoring priorities, keeping commitments...

Him sustaining me through it all: giving strength where i can't bend, bending me where i need to, reminding me that i am His and we are Us, I'm not my own walled off, fortified self.

spelling counts

My son asked a girl to homecoming.  That's only remarkable if you know my son.  He has been silent on the subject of girls and appears really completely oblivious to the world of the fairer sex.  We were floored to say the least.  Turns out Dr. Who is enough to have in common with a girl to cement a homecoming dance level relationship.

He was pretty clueless in fact: he needed much prodding to find out the where's and how's and when's and other details.  Including dress for the evening.  And then the issue of flowers.  We explained a bit, and thought he was on the right track.  Until he started talking about the corset he needed us to order for her on his behalf?????  Corsage --> corset....Ahhh.  Yup - spelling counts.

It got even more fun when our older son (who, btw, knows everything about anything, just ask him) started explaining corsets and why you would never think to buy one for a girl, in fact, it's such a bad idea, even dad would know better than to buy one for mom.    

a slap to the face

not that kind, the metaphorical kind

and not fun, not hawt

He gave me a lot of leeway over the past several weeks:  not so much leeway in day to day rules, more freedom in my mental state.  The project that was consuming my time and my thoughts forced me to be in a mindset of 'me first'.  I fought that initially - it doesn't feel right, and I know it's hard to come back from; but, he was right, it was the only way to finish and to do it well.

I haven't been coming back from it well at all.  He's been patient, but last night i unloaded on him with a litany of complaints of how he wasn't helping me the right way, how I needed him to do this or that, how it is really his responsibility to fix everything, including me.  Those weren't the words i was using - but - after the metaphorical face slap - it was clear - that is what i was really saying.  And that wasn't the painful part....

He has a voice - a voice that lets you know that you've managed to tap into his anger - something that he doesn't allow very often at all.  He explained, with controlled but unconcealed anger, that it is difficult for him also.  It's hard to know exactly what will be the perfect thing for me at the perfect time. It's hard to make the right decisions for the family - all the time.  In the same way that i have trouble moving between my various roles, it's difficult for him to divide his mindset as well, to transition from husband to father to work to master and owner - or to be any of those together in the same moment. That he recognizes that my role is difficult - but that his is as well, and he takes it very seriously, it's not a game or a for fun thing, that it is complex and important and he also sometimes needs time, and may get it wrong, and may want to go slowly out of caution.  That he isn't going to try to get the whole of our lives right through a tug on my hair and some swats with a cane.  That it is my role to be patient and to accept going his way.

I had lost sight of all of that, and more.  I had it all backwards in my mind.  I had let it become a game instead of our lives.  I was putting me first.

I hesitated to write about this - it doesn't show me in my best light - but i can live with that.  But it also shows him as human - something that isn't as commonly done.  I know that he only cares about what is right for the two of us, that he doesn't care a whit about how anyone else perceives him.  He is human, not mythical, not omniscient, omnipotent, or infallible. It is easier for me to fall back on relating to him as if he were, it would mean I could just blindly follow, i wouldn't have any responsibility to our relationship.  But he is and we are deeper and more complex than that.  For it to be real for us, I have responsibility also.

That slap in the face makes a much bigger impression and hopefully i will internalize the lesson better than a more literal one.

the little things are the most telling

It really has been a challenging week here (see my last post for illustration).  And I will spend the weekend on a project that has been all-consuming for awhile now.  It will be over Monday - one way or another.  

This project, my preoccupation with it, the effect on our family have all brought around some questions that I've struggled with a long time: questions about - wouldn't my family and my husband be better served if i didn't work? Isn't this just pure selfishness on my part?  Am i making the right choices?   These questions get amplified a bit in the context of ttwd: putting my happiness ahead of my family's and especially my husband's well being (or so it feels like some times.)  But they aren't new questions.  I've struggled with them before, with the same reasonings.

But we, my husband and I together,  have answered these questions before also - this is one realm in which the more things change, the more they stay the same - he has always wanted me to pursue my career, he is unbelievably supportive, and proud - which I have trouble accepting - but there it is....

This time the big questions will just have to be boxed up in the back of my mind - they torment me, but they've been asked and answered before...

There was a small moment though that does deserve some consideration, and some effort to change.  He was gone most of last week - terrible timing - but it happens.  He called me in the morning - I am awful on the phone - for some reason the phone just annoys me, doesn't matter who calls.

He called to tell me he might be able to get an early flight back, that he might even be home for dinner, that he was happy to be able to have some time with me.  And i could see what a really nice thing this was, an unexpected gift in a long week, and i knew exactly how i ought to respond - and yet i couldn't break out of my annoyance, and preoccupation and being self-absorbed.  It was exactly the wrong response - and i knew it as it was coming out of my mouth.  He graciously didn't comment, but he knew also.

This gets right to the core of all my feelings about submitting, serving, really, truly, deeply having his happiness in my mind and my heart, whether i'm a fraud, or just flawed.....

This is a small thing that isn't really so small.  And it does need to be worked on.

some weeks just leave you a little off........

both true

I am, as I may or may not have ever alluded to here, a scientist.  Which, in my case, accounts for the constant wondering.

There have been many aspects of this whole thing that escape my full understanding.  Part of that is probably due to the fact that i live almost entirely in my head and i'm not very comfortable with heart side of things.

One of the things that has never made sense to me is the, "Are D and s (or M and s, or whatever) equal or unequal?"

Of course they are equal - my rational brain says - both are human and thus equal.  In the rest of my existence i reject anything that says some class of people (women, race, disability, etc...) are less than others, in any way, not even the "of course they are equal, but one is just a little bit more equal."  That's BS.  Classes of people are certainly treated that way - but that doesn't make them ontologically less than.

Plenty of rhetoric pushes the unequal by nature view, especially the view that women are by nature less than: in this world - just look around at a number of tumblers, women are dirt, made to be owned and abused...; and outside of this world - well - you don't have to really look far at all.

The other rhetoric one hears is that to be a slave one has to give up equal rights, actually- one has to give up all rights, that the definition of true slave is giving up any voice or any choice, forevermore.

I can't live by rhetoric, there's too much of it, it's all conflicting, and it's a silly way to try to make one's way through the world anyhow.

But - in my heart, inarticulate and stunted tho it is, i have felt a dissonance in trying to reconcile serving, submitting, giving in to, and being owned -  with the idea of remaining equal, esp in remaining equal in power in the relationship.

I entered into this because it felt right, it spoke to me, actually - it kicked me in the gut and knocked me over. It was all illogical, nonsensical, entirely feeling, heart - there was and is no rational way to see why submitting and eventually being owned is a good thing.

And my heart tells me that to give myself, it has to be unconditional, that what i want, what is best for me and for us, is for him to have the power, all of it.

But my head tells me that of course i can withdraw consent: any extreme, unexpected thing could happen, and both of us want us protected and making right choices, him included.  Tori explains it clearly here.

My rational brain also points out that, if i can withdraw consent, then i hold the ultimate power. In reality, each time i choose to submit could be the time i choose to say no.  And if i hold that power - then it looks like he actually has none.  From a purely objective POV - he has to hope that each time he tells me anything, i will go along.  From the outside, that looks like a terrible position to be in - it looks whiny and weak and desperate and like he's totally fooling himself if he thinks he has any power at all...

Of course - i am submissive, i want to submit, i am more right in my skin than i ever have been before in being owned by him - so i NEED him to own me.  I'm not going to jeopardize that.  Also - i've made a commitment - a very important one.

The two are going to have to live side-by-side.  I've given myself to him, he owns me, he has power over me, at all times, in all ways.  I am equal and i can remain his and yet withdraw my consent.

Addendum: It has been pointed out to me that both of us have the same right and obligation of consent in this and that i ignored that side of it all.  Partly that was poor writing on my part - the thing i was trying to express had to do with the dissonance between my feeling of wanting to give him all of me, without reservation or condition, and the rational fact that of course i it involves consent.  I got lost with a bunch of stuff that wasn't so related to that point.

The irony is that I certainly know that he has as much say or consent to give or withdraw as i do - I offered my submission and had to wait for him to carefully consider to accept or not.  He accepted my offer, but on his own terms.  His terms never feel like my way re-packaged and coming from him - his way is always very clearly his way, and that leaves no doubt ever that he would change or stop or withdraw his domination as he sees fit.   

Apparently

When one's husband/master gestures, out of the blue, in the evening, for you to join him in the bedroom,

and you had mentioned suggestively, earlier in the day, that you are rather worked up and in the mood for some serious one on one,

and you're also now on edge because of news about a deeply hopeless situation that you received earlier that evening,

And you're head hurts and your muscles are on knots because of it....

Apparently, when he gestures, and then you note that his intentions involve a plug, and not any of the fun/pain/lovely sensation things you had kinda been wishing about all day,

The correct response is not to whine or joke about what you had been hoping for,

Nor to scoff, even politely, at what he is offering/requiring,

Apparently, the right response is, "thank you," or "thank you, Sir," or even, "thank you for not choosing the largest one, Sir."

grateful

for all the usual things of course

but right now, especially -

for yesterday and making time

for yesterday and leading me through it, making it right for me but not catered to me

for wanting it for me - for knowing what i need, and when, and how
   for working with that instead of resenting it or turning away

and for wanting it for yourself - for getting hard at the mention of the cane, or the sound of my whimper
   for reveling in learning how to play my body and my psyche
   for giving me the freedom to be me and to know it pleases you


for steadfastness in doing things your way
   because my way would change with the wind and the moon and the price of tea
   because knowing we will go your way gives me the deep and foundational trust for all the rest
   because i couldn't imagine, explore, contemplate, or fantasize without that trust
   because no matter how much my mind wanders or flits about, i am deeply devoted to you in this and  in all        things


for making it your way to listen and consider and work when it's hard to change your instinctive response
   because it's your way and that makes it not in-congruent
   because our family needs us both
   because teenagers are just that hard


for using your power for good
 
 

drive safely!

My husband hates to be a passenger in a car.  He always drives.  (Well - he will defer to good judgement on long drives when he's too tired to be safe.)

He says it's a control thing.

For the longest time (kinda still sometimes) I took this as a condemnation of my driving skills.  There's an awful lot of subtle in, "I think you're a great driver honey, I just am not comfortable as a passenger when you drive."

And he always tells me to drive safely: when i leave in the morning, when i leave work to come home, on long trips...Actually - lots of men do that, to me, not just to their own wives, and other men do it to other women.  And - I don't think they do it to other men - tho i've not payed too much attention.  And i tell my 16 year old that...  I wonder what the message is here?

I have in fact gotten royally off-put by the insinuation that i'm not a good driver; it has been the source of more than one blow out.

So - what is it about that?   He actually sucks at being a passenger with anyone - not just me.  It really is a control thing with him - and i know that.  Prior to these days - i complained, he said, "Yup - I know - it's a control thing, I'm sorry, deal with it, I'm not changing."  Now - i don't get to complain so much and i have to try harder to hide my off-puttedness.

But the telling me to drive safely - i still waffle on that:
         of course i drive safely, what else would i do?
                              awww - how sweet, he cares and wants me home safely
    does he think i'm an idiot?         i've been driving longer than he has
                    he's telling me to take care of what's his - isn't it good to be the thing that's his?
        yea, yea, whatever, i gotta go now.......

the cane

the thin one that sears straight to my brain and doesn't bloom out to other regions the way more thuddy pains do

i've asked to bring this back - which makes this something he is doing for me - i suppose it always was - but it makes the headspace around it very different than presenting myself to fulfill a desire or need of his.  

i know the number - i know ahead of time if it's going to be too many - or even worse - too few

i know i need to surrender to this - not just the pain, not even just the surrender to him - i need to allow the pain and the surrender to him to truly impact me; i need to be open to it effecting change within me, in the moment, for the day and over time

that's a lot to ask of one thin little piece of dried plant material

but i need this

i need the pain, i need the act of surrendering, i need the change within me, i need the courage to ask for more when it isn't enough, and i need the trust in him that 'for me' is really 'for us' and ultimately what he wants

a new flavor

Over the past 48 hours he's introduced a new flavor.  And it's been very difficult for me to describe to him the effect because the effect has been different from anything else.

I'm also not really sure how to describe what he's doing differently, although it's not at all subtle, so it shouldn't be so hard to put my finger on.

He grabs me, unexpectedly and harshly, by my hair, my throat, my jaw.  He  forces my attention and tells me what i'm for, what he plans for me, what he wants.  He's done this - it seems like every 10 minutes through the day and night.  It's not - but it's often, and sudden, and on the verge of discovery by other people.  He touches and strokes and arouses precisely when i can't respond visibly or out loud.  He prods and pinches and scratches, painfully, just to hear me whimper.   He makes me self-conscious and won't allow me the comfort of a nervous laugh or looking away.  He allows me no interaction, i'm object only; then he shifts in a heartbeat to, "good girl, that's what i wanted," then in another heartbeat to the vanilla world around us as if nothing else ever existed.

It feels like he is creating two me's - much more defined, distinct from one another:  I'm the me the rest of the world sees - that transition i've been learning, I'm used to that dichotomy -His vs.  mother, daughter, sister, my work role, all the other roles we all have.

But the submissive me, the slave.... it feels like there is a splitting there as well: His - his good girl, his submissive wife, his companion sitting at his feet vs. His object - not a companion or wife at all - His toy but without the affection  - fierce ownership, desire, but not affection, just His to use then set aside.

That second one is new - I've felt glimpses or echo's of it, but to be more explicitly the object is brand new. Over the past 48 hours, every time he yanks me into this object mode, i fall more quickly and more deeply - more floaty, more focused on him, less aware of anything else around, more pliable, more sensitive to his touch and his cues, more aroused; craving to be his good girl and not the object, but above all else, wanting to do or be whatever he wants.

Once upon a time, i thought there was an endpoint to the things to discover in all this, to my depths and to his, or at least a very level plateau.  I think maybe there are so many flavors and so many facets.

funny story - once my heart rebooted

So - one weekend this summer my in laws stayed overnight with the kids as we were all coming and going different directions.  They stayed in our bedroom because our house has no AC; it was hot, and our room has by far the best cross breeze.  It actually makes my husband quite put out to have anyone use our bedroom, much less his parents, but he relented.

I cleaned, tucked the restraint straps waaayyy up under the mattress, double checked (we have kids so it's not like an open dungeon in there anyhow), set out some flowers, and left.

Now - my parents' relationship has always been a dysfunctional, no holds barred, R rated, for all the world to see kind of thing.  My in laws on the other hand - think G rated Disney (from the 50's Disney), not sure how the kids came to be...it's just plain nice, but - i'm not sure i've ever seen them have actual physical contact with each other.

So - later - my husband took a trip with his father and they had time to talk. Apparently his father mentioned staying in our bedroom, and wanted to relate a funny story - about staying in our bedroom.  [Want to see a Dom squirm uncomfortably? This particular scenario will do it]  

It seems  my mother-in-law rolled over and pointed to the nightstand (insert huge heart palpitation here - with visions of the sorts of things that sometimes sit on the nightstand) and said, "Look honey..."

See - the punch line of this one isn't the point at all - just hearing my husband relate the story my heart was in my mouth and my brain was going a million miles an hour through the mental list of what could have been on the nightstand, how they might have reacted, would they have had any idea what *it* was, shock at the fact that my father-in-law would ever bring it up, what would they think of us now, and how did my husband explain it to his dad then change the subject as they were trapped together in a car for 6 hours.  

".... you two are so much alike, your son is reading the same book you are."

working my way back to you

I'm going to take a moment and let that particular ear worm get fully stuck.  And if you're too young for that one, or it wasn't huge in your part of the world, here's some help.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He is making me work my way back.  Not vindictively, or as punishment, or to prove myself, or even just because he can, although it sometimes feels like all of those things.

I think he's worried the wheels will come off again if we just jump right back in and try to pick back up mid-race.

Maybe he's right

But this sucks

I want to be back.  I want the control and the attention and the physical domination, the roughness, the demanding, the jolt of energy with the edge of fear...

I want the intimacy, the security, the quiet, the peace, the surety of it

I'm ready - in my head - for him to take it back - by force: tasks, kneeling, demands, wearing cuffs and collar, plugging, caning, so many options......  All sound - really good right now.

 I am ready to feel submissive again -  am ready to be made to feel submissive.

And yes - I see it too - "I want,"..."i'm ready to be made to feel submissive, "... "by force."

These have never been part of how he works - ever.

He'll ask, but i have to give - actively; or i have to comply - quietly, nicely.  He won't wrestle me for it.  And he can't and won't try to make me submit.

He gives me opportunities to submit - challenges even, if you will.  That feeds us both - reinforces the rightness and feelings of our roles.

Right now - the opportunity, the demands, the challenge involve waiting, listening, doing things his way, being open to his way and letting go of my expectations about the way i think it ought to be.

And - frankly - it sucks - it's not what i want, or the way i want; it's not engendering the feeling i want, and i'm not sure it's heading where i want.

So - the work involves being patient, not losing my cool, not stomping my feet, trusting that he is leading, and mostly trying over and over and over again to check myself, to re-align myself to what he wants.

it's just gone

I really wanted to call this one WTF - that's where we both are right now -

There is a feeling that is submissive - I know this because it's suddenly gone - and i'm scared and worried and a little panicky.

It feels like forever, but i can look at my post from July 27 and know that i didn't feel this way when i wrote that.  So it has been a bit, less than two weeks, but it 's gone, and we don't understand and we don't know what to do

We've learned so much, changed so much, this thing that we didn't know existed has become such an incredibly integral part of us...

I know a lot of feelings: I know what it feels like to be in a frenzy of need, to be spinning out of control with way too much noise in my head; I know what it feels like to need to push and kick at the boundaries to make sure they are strong; I know the completely conflicting feelings of anger so strong it's really rage and wanting to crawl into his arms at the same time; I know the feeling of vanilla life taking over and wondering if we'll ever get back to any kink; I know the feeling of numb overall because it's the only way to cope with the emotional overload from all directions.  

But I have never felt this - this is a very surgical removal of just the submissive - I still feel the love, the caring, the friendship, the respect I always have, but the lack is acute and the impact is unpleasant.  

I still follow the rules, maintain the rituals, submit to him physically, but He can tell and of course I can tell. There are little things - things i say that i wouldn't have, a tone of voice, a freedom to tell him instead of ask him, a palpable irritation at things or at him, a forwarding of my own agenda, a pushing away that wouldn't have been considered or tolerated...

Mostly there is an energy, a flow between us that i don't think either of us had really recognized until now, until we recognize it's absence.

Sometimes knowing why something happened helps to know how to fix it.  I have no idea why this happened.  I have maybes: maybe hormones -things are less and less predictable as i approach that age; maybe finally getting through the past very difficult months has had a toll i didn't foresee; maybe my dissatisfaction with myself because of the impact of the past several months manifests itself in not wanting to offer him this me; maybe he spends so much energy at work deciding, and leading, and guiding, and correcting, that he doesn't want to so much at home; maybe i stopped doing or working at something the right way; maybe he did; maybe both of us did....

Brutally honest self reflection has not given me any sense that any of these might or might not be the issue, or the way to focus on getting back. I think - i feel like maybe - this is a mental thing.  I've needed physical before.  I've needed beating and i've needed restraint, roughness, correction, debasement, use - whether i could say so out loud or not, I've known deep down when i've needed them.  I don't think this time it's physical.

And I'm not sure how to change the mental.  

There are a million things he could do to keep me from getting it back, but i'm not sure there's a single thing he can do to get it back for me. It's a loop, a flow of energy, and if he's not feeding it back to me, or I to him, the flow stops.  Each of us depends on the other, but neither of us can completely carry the other.  

I still wear His collar, intellectually i am still His,  we have a mechanism for withdrawing consent - and that isn't at all what i want -  i want it back, all of it, all the way.

doesn't really apply

Maybe you've already seen this one around - it came me from fb - where nothing is ever really new..

It's not a term he uses - but -

something about the kid's view vs. mom's vs. dad's made me chuckle

forever

We visited friends at their home on a lake - they worked and saved and sacrificed to buy this home because it's part of their plan for their 'what comes next, after kids'  and their  'when the kids have kids' parts of life.

It got us talking about what comes next - when the kids go off to college, when we retire, when we might start thinking about moving on to where and how we want to live when it's just for us.  It's day dreaming, and we don't get to do it often.  It's not discontent or coveting or wishing our lives away; for us, it's sharing our dreams, communicating deeply about Us.

That reverie about the future led to us to talk about how we see Us in the future.  I admitted that i have never imagined we would still be this way when we get old.  I don't think about it really - but i have always assumed that ttwd will run its course and fade away.  I don't ever and can't really imagine when or how that happens, i have just never imagined that it lasts forever for us.  He was surprised, and he surprised me when he told me he intends it to be part of us as long as we are us.  That was bit thrilling and a lot comforting and- something - i'm not quite sure what?

When i was in my 20's, mid-40's seemed ancient, worn out, too old for fun, too old for sex, too old for anything but work - maybe my view wasn't quite that bleak - but i'm sure i didn't see it the way the reality is.  Likewise, my view now of retirement, of 60's and 70's and on -  is, I'm sure, skewed and inaccurate.  So i don't know how i see our dynamic, how i see us then.

I asked my husband a shorter term question - i asked him if or how he sees our relationship changing once the kids leave for college....He said he didn't know what the big picture would be - but that it would involve a lot more nakedness and a lot more spanking.

Maybe they will decide to just stay home instead of college.....

Rule # 2

Growth seems to be about learning and that seems to happen in spurts for me.

He introduced another rule for me this past week - rule # 2.  These rules are very different from what you are probably thinking though.  They are rules he has made for himself that I am to remember, actually , i am to internalize.

These aren't written down, but he reminds me of them often. He states them very simply, but they have very deep meaning for each of us, and far reaching implications. Part of our/my learning and growing have to do with understanding these.

Rule # 1 is that he doesn't punish me.  That is generally true - we don't have a punishment based dynamic, discipline yes - but punishment is not a default.  In reality he has, very rarely, punished me - The rule is that he won't ever punish me when he isn't entirely clear headed and not without discussing it a great deal.  The part i need to remember is that i never need to wonder if something is a punishment: if his actions or treatment of me seem harsh or cold or more aggressive than usual - i need to know without question that it is not punishment or retribution; i need to trust that it is just how he wants to be at that moment.  That is actually huge for me and my mental balance.

He introduced the second rule this past week - i'm sure it existed all along in his mind - but he stated it for me:  He will not humiliate me.

Humiliation is a much slipperier thing to understand than punishment: it's different for each person, and probably changes over time for an individual.  And it's taking some thinking about for me.

We talked some about how he means humiliation and how i understand it, and how i feel about it. His meaning, in the contexts we've talked about so far, is that he won't ask me to do anything that would embarrass me or make me uncomfortable/feel ashamed in front of people we know.  That leaves a lot of interpretation in general and a lot of possibilities around strangers.  And takes a good deal of work for me to trust him, even in simple situations.

A few examples maybe - because we aren't talking about my parading around nude in a public park, or wearing a leather collar to work, or eating from a dog bowl.  That's the individuality of it - i am, in some ways, very easy to humiliate, or embarrass, or - i think in many cases - shame.  I know there is or ought to be a distinction between shame and humiliation, and that i should not be ashamed of many of the things i am - but - i am.

He prefers to have open curtains/open windows - all the time.  Not allowing me to close the drapes at the hotel in a very large, very crowded city - to undress, to be caned, to have sex, this is difficult for me, but he is right - we don't know anyone and it fits his rule.

Home is harder for me - not closing our bedroom curtains when i present myself for him, or to be caned, is much more difficult for me.  We do know our neighbors, their windows are fairly close, although reasonably - they probably can't see in.

Dressing and cleavage - i am - as the song goes 'broad where a broad should be broad'.  But i usually dress to minimize or hide that fact.  It's complicated - wearing a more low cut dress, while still showing far less than many women do, is a challenge for me.  And that comes back to body image and shame - not that i was indecently dressed, but that women my age don't do that, or only pretty women do that.  You get the idea. It pushes me, I don't handle it well - yet.  And he is sensitive to that while still wanting me to like my body and to be comfortable with it.  Like i said - it's complicated.

What i realized is that this sometimes leaves me feeling that he is actually ignoring my wishes and pushing his own agenda.... and yea - i do get that that's the whole point.  This one is harder for me.  As he sees me balk and he reminds me of this rule, he expects that i will believe him and trust him and let go.  But i still find myself fighting against the voices that want to say, "You're wrong - this is going to humiliate me."

customer service

We are away this week - just He and I - some family obligations - but with some Us time snuck in also.

Look what one thoughtful hotel room had hanging in it's closet....

Beautiful wood, solid, smooth, very substantial.....

Just in case we have trouble getting our shoes on, or they need buffing - I guess....

yes - very substantial...

I'll be back - 

knowing

He shows me in so many ways, day in and out, that he knows me.

This is new - or new in the grand scale of our time together.

Or maybe its just new that i see it.

He probably always knew or had a fair idea of me, even when i pull so far into myself.

Maybe especially when i retreat that way.

The difference is that now he pushes through the blockades i put up and the traps i set

Or more accurately, he ignores them - they really have no power unless he lets them

That was a stunning realization for me.

A conquering much more subtle and far more overwhelming.

KISS

When my son found this blog a few months ago I had to explain to him, in a way that would hopefully discourage him from continuing to look for it, what exactly i was blogging about.  So i told him that his dad and i follow some blogs and contribute sometimes to a blog about marriages and relationships and the work it takes to keep them on solid ground, blah blah blah.... I tried to make it sound dreadfully boring to a 16 year old boy.  I think i probably succeeded.

My description would have turned me off - i wouldn't have bothered to follow up.

But - it is the truth  - above all else this blog is about our marriage, our relationship, our dynamic and the work it takes to keep us on solid ground.  Beyond solid ground actually - but one has to start with the solid footing before the rest can be built.

My last post promised lots of deeper thoughts about my disappointing him, about making mistakes and failing.  Then an anonymous comment went off in a different direction: didn't i need to get a grip? didn't i really just need therapy to work through my obviously abusive relationship?  Then Sir J  wrote about suffering....  Now - I actually believe that life is pain and life is suffering (to quote both Princess Bride and Siddhartha), and I believe that we suffer in many ways precisely because we care, because we love.

But it dawned on me that i don't really need any deeper thoughts.   As hokey as it sounds in my profile - and it does - i keep wanting to change it - but it is just the flat out truth, "D/s was a new idea to explore. It has been woven throughout our lives together now. This has made our marriage stronger and our life more joyful."

The sum total of the entirety of our interactions is just that - a strong and very joy filled marriage.  We use unconventional relationship tools to say the least.  And it is work and it ought to be.

And i fail, and the worst kind of failing is not the failure - it's when i know i actually could have tried harder or differently and i didn't.  But the only recourse is to get up and try again.

And he fails too - and sometimes that makes me angry, sometimes it worries me or frightens me, sometimes it makes me feel very protective of him.  Perhaps there is some level of slavehood i haven't reached yet, a level of trust wherein i don't see his human weaknesses any longer.  Somehow i don't think i'm gonna get there.

But what this slave does see is how incredibly hard he works to care for her, to  protect her, to meet her needs, to raise her up, to love her...

So this slave wants to try harder to care for him, to meet his needs, to protect him, to raise him up, to love him....

And after you put in all the parts, and shake them all about, and do the whole Hokey Pokey... That's what it's all about!

not perfect

I'm not - and for that matter, neither is he.  I've learned to live with being less than perfect (this is where the sarcasm emoticon goes - someone needs to invent one of those - really).

But I have been disappointing myself - and him - lately.

Some of it is the cycles of life - demands and plans and projects and obligations all picking up at once - and what i thought i had a grip on - i now lie awake at night worried that i don't.  I need to keep slogging through when more than ever i really want to take a big mental vacation from life.

I started to write, "But that's real life, and i want to write about how i'm a not so perfect slave..."  Except that part is our real life too - it's gone way past trying it on for size, it is here and it is just as real as all the rest.

And as i write this - it becomes obvious that there is a lot to think about here, a lot that i am realizing as i look at how i feel about letting him and myself down.   And at the same time, i am painfully aware of the fact that i need to get out the door and attack some of the projects and obligations because they don't go away if i ignore them.

It is my responsibility to ask for the daily caning we are doing this month.  Often I don't need to ask, he comes to me to tell me it's time.  But some days i need to ask, and yesterday I forgot.  And, as he pointed out this morning, i had come to him for other attention yesterday, which he nicely obliged, but i neglected this expectation.  On top of all that, I also made myself a lunch and didn't ask him what he would like, and when, for lunch.  That's not a rule - just something i do.  And i didn't.

I am not a perfect slave, my every thought is not of him first.  But yesterday was far from where i want to be, far from where i try to be.

And this is where i need to leave it for now - i'm honestly not sure whether hashing it all out in my mind or just starting over again today and trying to have a different day is going to be better.  But the clock in the corner of my computer says i'm going with the latter this time.

Pride

This post is pure wondering, not knowing, maybe even just exploring how much I don't know.

Our church is gearing up for the Pride Parade.  Here that means decorating, planning a celebration and organizing marchers, NOT protest signs and anti-gay rallies. I guess I feel a need to clarify, since some churches take such a different stance.  This in and of itself doesn't make me wonder:  I'm un-conflicted in my feelings about this topic, I am grateful for the faith community we've found, and my feelings about the "Christian-ness" of some Christian churches are unreserved.

My ignorance lies in the relationship between BDSM and Pride events.

I've read a little bit, and i know there is some common history, but I recognize that I am quite ignorant as to the roots of the Leather community and how BDSM communities grew out of? alongside? that movement.  Frankly, I don't know a lot about the BDSM community at all.

And that did make me wonder.

It is easy for me to be ignorant of the BDSM/kink community. I don't, strictly speaking, need to interact with it in any way.  My husband and I can carry on in the privacy of our home without any infringement on our lifestyle. In fact, we wouldn't share that aspect of ourselves with our kids or anyone else anyhow. Some combination of not wanting to share this side of ourselves and worry about being "found out" are why we haven't searched out local people or events.

And maybe that is part of the point.  We can hide and still do and be what we are.  Such is not the same at all if the aspect that makes your relationship different can't be hidden.  Your choice is to hide the relationship altogether, or be known.  If we were "out" we would possibly run into misunderstanding, disdain, contempt, morbid fascination.... but not the persecution, hatred, inequality, and lack of civil rights that being gay entails.

I know that historically there are connections or areas of overlap between the gay community and the kink community.  And i also know that each is a bigger picture unto itself.  For me to try to draw these parallels is a bit artificial and tenuous.  I have friends and family who are gay who i imagine would be surprised but amused to learn of our predilections, and others who would be horrified -  just as it would be among any of our friends and family.  and - likely there are those in the kink community who are quite homophobic.

So - no point, no conclusions - just something in life that made me wonder about other things.

real service

I'm feeling a little - i'm not sure what - worn down, overwhelmed, a little cynical, ok - probably a lot cynical.

The idea of D/s or M/s seems to include service, devotion, self-sacrifice.... on the part of the "s," to a greater or lesser degree.   For some it is a big element, for others less so than other aspects.

It has always struck me though that each side of the equation gets something out of it - like with pain, or obedience, or whatever other element of the dynamic.  'You hurt me, which you like and that feeds you, but having you hurt me turns me on and reaches me on some deeper level, which feeds me too.'  Win-Win.  'I serve you which looks like good for you/just plain work for me; but, really, i get off on serving, have a deep need to do it, it fulfills me on some level.'  So - really, Win-Win.

I think this is all well and good - the power really does have to be exchanged, the circle complete, the elements need to be ultimately in balance; or someone runs out of juice eventually.   There is give and take on both sides, titles and mythology aside; it is unsustainable otherwise. I know i couldn't carry on indefinitely if giving what he were asking of me didn't also feed me.  Mother nature knows this too - babies are so damn cute precisely to keep us rewarded and motivated to continue meeting their incessant demands.

I have always wondered at the service thing - partly because - in our time and place in life - i do a lot of work anyhow.  For that matter so does he.  There's just an awful lot that has to get accomplished, over and over and over again.  This makes us not the least bit unique.

Also - the facts of my childhood mean that anything that smacks remotely of, "drop what you're doing and come see to my needs, NOW!" is an enormous kick in the gut for me.  I guess trigger is the word, but it instantly raises my hackles and makes me anything but sweet or submissive.  Even if it's couched with a please and thank you.  I know this about myself, i work on it constantly, it made me very seriously consider myself unfit to have children (the whole incessant demands thing).

My husband has - to his credit and my amazement - played me very skillfully.  He often gets me to respond to demands, frequently i even respond well, and i almost always respond civilly.  It has been good for us, it has been a good thing for me to learn.  D/s or not, I think marriages in which the parties spend more time trying to figure out how to help/serve/meet the needs of the other party are far stronger and more joyous than those spent keeping score to make sure no one does more 'work' than the other person.

There is a lot of perspective to be had though: for example, watch a spouse or adult child care for a person with dementia: incessant demands, incessant work, the caregiver's life put aside, all give, no reward, no balancing out of the equation, no understanding and often anger and abuse from the person being cared for, and judgement and second guessing from all kinds of people who have no idea.

My service, especially my balanced out, give and take, 'I ultimately get something out of it too' service is nothing like the devotion, service, and self-sacrifice many people live.  Sometimes, when the perspective has slapped me in the face, and i'm particularly cynical, it feels like nothing more than a stupid game we are playing.  And really - we don't use those terms - it isn't called "service" - it's just - he asks and i think it's probably ok to do.

to what end?

Which sounds like asking "why?"  but isn't exactly the same

In this case - why play?   Why have intense sessions like my last post describes?

I didn't have a deep, unrelenting, pent-up need to get my rocks off at 9 AM on a random Friday morning.  Neither did he as far as i know.  It wasn't a long planned date.  It wasn't because i had asked - i would have asked for a long slow spanking if i were asking - and he's husband and master - not a service top, so it doesn't work that way anyhow.

In this case - we had this intense session on a random Friday morning - because he wanted to. Why he wanted to - i have no idea - and i won't ask.

To what end in this case though?

For most of the day, even after writing about it, my feelings were fairly unfocused about it: it was what he wanted, it was an unexpected bonus time together, it was intense which is nice, and orgasms are always good too.

But the impact of it didn't really hit me until later.

We took a walk that evening - yes - we are that couple, walking the dog in the evening, talking, hand-in-hand.

We don't often discuss play times, but sometimes he brings it up, and as we walked, he did.

He said again that he knew the things he had done to me that morning had been hard for me, but that he really liked playing with me that way, he liked being able to do that.

And that was the impact.  It was something he wanted and i had been able to give that to him. And that felt really, really good.

Beyond that in fact - it felt like settling a little further into what is meant to be, or peeling away another layer of what's not.

thinking here so i can stop over-thinking in the wrong time/ wrong place....

This morning, he pulled off my shorts and sat my naked ass on the kitchen counter, pulled up my shirt, and spread my legs.  He rummaged through the drawers and came back with skewers, rubber bands, and a knife. With my nipples clamped between the skewers, he traced the paring knife over my breasts, my belly, my thighs, my lips, my clit.

He told me he was making me uncomfortable, in lots of ways- and it surprised me in that moment how much he was right, how well he knew exactly where to push me:  i was exposed, in front of an open window, being intimate, not just intimate, but being kinky, being an object of kink; sitting bare-assed in the kitchen, on a counter, yuk (and cold); being taken and used suddenly, out of the blue, wrong time, wrong place; being made to watch the knife tip and the blade trace lines across my skin, nerve wracking, and across my belly which i loath and never want him to touch; yes - his tounge in my ear, not to make me giggle and squirm, but to torment; the physically uncomfortable, overwhelming, painful sensations from my nipples and my skin; and working to remain open to him throughout any and all of it.

He doesn't need big plans or grand gestures or cliches from kinky porn get in my head - he knows exactly where my mental buttons are. Lucky him that some of my buttons are so easy.  And i start thinking that i should toughen up, not be so easy, not be such a mental weenie. What's wrong with me?  Maybe i'm not enough for him.  Then i hear "good girl, i know this is hard, but i like to play with you."   Which makes me think maybe it's ok to be how i am, maybe he's happy.

He sends me to the bedroom and his demeanor changes.  Suddenly very rough, abrupt, he reminds me of my words, then lays in.  I'm not caught up, can't catch up.  I beg, and move away, and sob, and soon enough my mind goes the wrong direction.  I ask him what i've done wrong.  He stops just long enough to look me in the eyes and tell me i've done nothing wrong, he's doing this because it's what he wants to do.  Then he's back at it.

Later, afterwards, he reminds me that he wants me - in those moments - to not think, to not wonder what he wants from me, or try to reason things out, he wants me to just follow and accept, to trust that he will tell me or show me whatever i need to know.

I don't know why my mind goes where it goes in those cases, but he doesn't want it to.  I'm hoping that writing it out here will purge it and let me move on next time.

asking

I've been given to understand that if i want something, I should ask for it, nicely, but i should ask.

It has been suggested, for example, that if i want or feel i need a caning, i should bring the cane to him, kneel, present the cane, and ask sweetly for him to use it.

It took me a few years to get over the feeling that if i asked for things, somehow that was the same as manipulating him into giving them to me - i'm a little slow when it comes to simple, obvious kinds of things.  But i finally got it.

I am better than i used to be, but still working on "nicely" - i too easily fall into hinting, complaining, even snarking - simple and direct is very hard for me.  I think that what is really missing though is "with humility."

I'm not really an arrogant person. (Can't you just feel the humble right there?)

I am someone who has a lot of trouble asking for and accepting help - in any context, but certainly throughout our marriage.  It is humbling to say "I need this thing from you, I'm unable to provide it for myself and i am asking you for it."  It can be humiliating - but that's a different flavor saved for a different situation.  

I'm required to ask permission to get into bed with him.  I still - after several years - find it difficult to do this gracefully.  I have assumed it's because it's a bit contrived: asking permission for something that i can do perfectly well on my own.  I'm beginning to see that the point has more to do with me finding that humility, or not finding it in this case.

Last night i was able to bring myself to ask for a spanking - no silliness or whining, just simple asking.  The thing about asking - especially when it was hard to do, and you've done it nicely - is that they can still say no.
(He is right, that's a loud activity, I'm pretty loud about it, and the not-so-little people who live with us are awake later than we are these days)

Without bargaining or complaining, i then asked if we could re-instate the caning each day for a month.

It was difficult at the time (the end of the month especially), but it was very good for me, very good for us, and i think it would be good for me again.

To this he said yes.  And i am grateful.

torture

Well -ok - not in the true sense of the word....

Most of the time I can control myself.  For most everything i can maintain position, work through it, or at least limit my movements.

But when he holds my hair hard with one hand and the side of my head with the other, lays his body over mine to pin down my arms, throws his leg over mine to pin my legs, turns my head to the side...

Then sticks his tongue in my ear, and blows -

I scream, i panic, i buck and fight and elbow and kick.

It's a wrestling match i will never win

but -

It's the one thing i really just can't stand.

I can't work through it, or control myself, or lie still.

I hate it!

room to breath

I keep trying to write about how difficult the past 6 weeks have been.  It just sounds like whining.  The fact is - they were impossibly hard, mentally, emotionally... It has used all my capacity and then some.  They have left me raw and completely depleted.  

It all isn't over, but i've had some room to breath: the past few days have been, by comparison, much easier.  And i am very thankful for that - I need my strength back.  

This post is for gratitude.  My husband has supported me so that i could support the ones who need me.  He has let me fall apart so that i can be the strong one for them.  He has taken decisions out of my hands so i can be the one making the hard choices for others.  He has adapted our dynamic so that i could manage all the other roles I need to fill.  He has pushed me to do the next hard thing, and the next, and the next.   He has even gone to fill my place when i was too sick to stand up.  

And as i move in and out of my life here, in our home and our family, and in our dynamic, he has let it ebb and flow in a way i can handle and which feeds me.  Now he has started to tighten things back up, as i'm getting my strength back, so to speak.  I am working to cooperate with it, to go along His way, to shift back; not just that even, i am trying to shift my focus off of me where it has been for so long.

With this time to breath again, has come desire again: a little, mini sub-frenzy all over again.   I am overcome with wanting to feel Him.  I have intrusive fantasies of pain and use and domination.  I would sit and read or watch porn all day long if i could.  I poke at him in subtle or not so subtle ways hoping to provoke a more vigorous response.  I am aware of a palpable space around myself, a space i can move in that feels too large and too open.  My skin, my body, my heart, and a very large portion of my brain want to be bound much more tightly, much more aggressively to him.  I'm not sure i could get enough, I'm not sure it wouldn't be dangerous.  

Partly it's escapism - a desire to lose myself in things i crave, and to leave the inexorable worry and the impossibility of it all behind.  I recognize this.  But it is also me, it is who i am, these desires and wants. Some small part of my mind knows i should be grateful for this too - that he keeps me, keeps us, in the real world.  That he makes me focus myself, control myself, be responsible for myself.   That he won't let it be dangerous - not in that way.  That i get what he gives, not what i think i want.  

where i am

 there are so many parts of my life - that all move in their own way and their own time and their own cycles

and they swirl around and ebb and flow and i direct them or they carry me - depending

and then some them insist on being in the forefront - on being attended to - a riptide i have to go with

and that is where i am now

and have been for a good bit

may parents' situation isn't getting better, it isn't leveling off, it isn't lending itself to a plan - it is dire, and in constant flux, and unknown and unknowable  - and it insists on being attended to

and when i am sick, or my kids are sick - that insists also

and work would really like my attention also

and it's been forever i think since my husband and i have had any us time together - and precious little time or geography in common at all

and i can handle it - until i can't

and then i doubt everything - but especially i doubt if being open and vulnerable and dependent on him is really good for me - because it feels so risky, dangerous, un-protected and unwise

it is very much harder to keep myself going, to absorb it all, to function and be the source of strength for so many others if i'm open and bare and without any armour

when things happen to prevent him from providing what i need, from taking care of me, then i feel an overwhelming need to protect myself, but that involves shutting him out.

and then it seems obvious that this is all a really bad idea, what was i thinking?

and he asks me to wait, to hold on, to trust him, to stay open to it

and then everything else amps up once again - and it doesn't really matter because "us" again disappears in the swirl and is overtaken by other currents insisting

consent

I have both consented to be His - whatever He determines that to mean - once and for all, and I have chosen, and continue to choose to be His - at each juncture, over and over again.  I know these two are opposites, they appear mutually exclusive.  Somehow in my head they are not - they are both absolutely true, and absolutely fundamental to our relationship.

I have given myself - entirely and forever - to him because....  This one is hard to put into words - i have because that is what i feel, because it's not me giving myself if it's conditional or limited, or constrained in any way.  Because my commitment isn't tenuous or temporary.  Because giving just what's easy isn't anything.  I am a whole person, the known and the as yet undiscovered, I'm not divisible, and i have to give him all of me or none.  Because if it's for a finite time - it's not really giving, it's renting or leasing.  I retain control in the end.

Because i trust him - all the way, not with limits, even for the situations we haven't imagined yet. Because he needs to have that total trust.  Because he wants me to be open to him, all the way, in every way.  Because that's where and how this power exchange works for us - the openness and intimacy and connection that is only possible if it is all encompassing.  Because he asked me to jump and I did.

A once and done agreement is a box though - a large one or a small one - it's still a box.  There are edges and boundaries somewhere- walls that define the size of my world. Or maybe a circle defined by the length of the chain i'm tethered to.  Somewhere there is a point at which i want to balk, or stop, or go my own way.  It may be a trivial thing, or it may be a very, very important thing - but there will be times that i must go his way no matter what. I can go about my merry way until i hit the walls or the end of the chain - then I'm stopped.

There is a safety and security in being in that box.  The walls may be occasionally maddening, but the fact that they are there is most often comforting. Whether simple or desperately complicated, having the choice out of my hands is easier, easier to do the little, stupid, things and the really, really hard things if you know the wall or the chain is going to make that choice for you anyhow.

And it's not me and it's not open, and it's not honest and it's not trust if i have no choice in the matter.  I have to be engaged and paying attention and thinking and feeling and choosing.  To obey, I have to have the choice not to.  To submit, to give myself to him, I have to have the choice not to.   I think he needs to know that i choose, that I consent.  For me - to fall back on "I will do whatever - but only because you say so," is a form of closing myself down to him.

Choosing each time - leaves me free to move around the whole world, out of the box and off the chain, but always as His.

in the news

Maybe this needs a trigger warning - I don't know.  I need to work it through - maybe other people have reconciled all this once and for all in their minds.....


It isn't a made for TV drama, it's not  fictionalized or amped up or pretend or even far, far away.  Three women, women now - they were children when they were taken.  Three women kept locked, chained, beaten, bound, controlled, raped, used, hurt, starved, forced to bear children, psychologically manipulated, harmed...


controlled   beaten   bound    used      hurt    manipulated    

Some of my kinks, many of my strongest (favorite?) kinks.

I know --- I know my husband loves me, I know I want what i want and respond how i respond, i know how i feel about him and what he does. I know anything - however benign, can be twisted for evil.  I know this isn't a bad thing between us.

I know i chose, continue to choose, fully, freely, unreservedly.

I know it's not the same - except that it is - in form, in appearance, the words.

I know that what is between us is good, is love.  But it all still gives me pause.  Maybe that's ok - maybe it should.

subtle but effective

A two foot long leather strip, maybe 3/8" wide.  So simple.  And for some reason one of His favorite tools.

It lives mostly on his nightstand - sometimes posing as a bookmark, sometimes looking like just the odd thing lying there.

It's not used to tie my hands, or feet, or even to bind other body parts, although that was what I had imagined he might want to do when i gave him the whole spool as a gift.  Fun to hit me with though apparently - quiet, stingy, but not particularly serious.

Mostly it seems to be His - I don't know what - subtle reminder when he thinks I need one maybe.

Right now it is tied around my right leg - just below my knee.  He put it there yesterday morning before he left for his trip.  I'm not to take it off until he gets back - except to shower.  Simple - yes?

And not.  As I dress for work - I realize I am limited to pants - even though the weather is finally warm and I would have chosen skirts.  And after work, to walk the dog, and putter in the garden, and make dinner, and run the boys here and there - I certainly would have chosen shorts.  But instead I will wear jeans.

Not terrible or very difficult to live with - and only for a few days.  But it's a choice taken away, a preference  overridden.  And  a subtle but effective reminder.

sandwiched and yelling

And nothing remotely kinky about it....

I am - we are - the sandwich generation.  My parents are in very poor health, have been medically fragile for years now.  They live in their own home, with outside help, but only just at the threshold of not managing.  My sister and I live far away.  It wouldn't be possible for either of us and our family to live with them in any case, nor for both of them to live with either of us. But this arrangement is tenuous.

And last week it tipped over.  I spent the week sitting bedside in an ICU, hoping and praying and facing very conflicted feelings about end of life, and quality of life.  I was also the comfort, support, decision maker, everything coordinator, protector and let's face it - the parent - to my mother.

Meanwhile, my family, my children and my husband, my job, my obligations and commitments of all sorts here, went on without me.  Many people graciously stepped in to cover for me.  But i am not good about accepting help or not meeting my responsibilities.   I'm just not.

My husband, very wisely, was nothing but supportive throughout, no demands, no obligations or expectations, no rituals, just concern and encouragement.  I couldn't have handled being sandwiched between any more roles, trying to meet and failing any other responsibilities.

My father is out of the woods now, we think.  I'm home for a few days - trying to catch up.  There's more to do there, more back and forth, more time away.  But for the moment, my husband became my Master again, i returned to Him, he made that happen.  And it feels very good.

The overwhelming stressors are still there though: the impossible situations, the powerlessness to help, especially from here, the not knowing, the obligations not met and catching up i need to do, the looming return to that role, when i really want to stay in this one.  Yesterday on the phone my husband was offering concrete solutions to a specific problem,  He was offering to cover for me - yet again.  And i lost it.

I yelled at him....I don't do that, never, well, hardly ever. And he told me i should, told me to lash out and let go.  That i need to.  And he was right.

I wish....

My husband is very, very good at compartmentalizing.  He has a work box, a family box, a box for him, one for me, lots and lots of boxes.  He is able to put things in the appropriate box - and then close it and leave them there.

IRL - what this means is that when he comes home from work he can switch to "home" as soon as he walks in the door.  The stress or worries or whatever from work don't impact (read: get taken out on) us.  I have to believe the reverse is true - when he's working, he gives it full attention - not distracted by outside issues or concerns.

[I'm given to believe this is a male trait - true or not - it is not a skill i possess - in any measure at all.]

Yesterday and today he has been cranky.  This is a big deal because it almost never happens.  When there is cause - he gets upset, sometimes very upset, sometimes and with a dire enough reason, he can be frighteningly upset.  But he almost never gets cranky for no reason he can identify.

He is out of sorts, edgy, not himself, and unhappy with himself for being this way.  He can't identify why, so he can't fix it; it just is.  Hmmm - i think i recognize those feelings.  And I've learned to turn to him when those kinds of feelings threaten to become overwhelming, I've learned to accept his help in restoring balance.

This is the i wish part:  I wish he were willing to use me to work through his crankiness-that-is-really-probably-something deeper.  I wish he could have that outlet or that means of relief.  I wish it worked for him the way it does for me (in reverse? from his POV?).  I wish i could serve him that way.

He knows this.  I have offered, i have explained my desire.  He has explained his side - he won't mix those feelings and those needs with anger, or frustration, or even crankiness.  And i have to respect that, whatever i may wish.

So i offer (to my mind) second best:  we have time alone today - a rare enough occurrence - but there will be no play, or really anything.  I expected this would be the case. He will work through this his way and he will let me know what, if anything, he wants from me.  I accept it, no subtle pouting or remarks or little jabs about it, simple acceptance.

block of time

This blog started - a long time ago - as a way for me to communicate to my husband - serious stuff and more random stuff.  He has grown to like it.  Of course we talk - I tell him things directly too.  But this format has worked of both of us:  for me - to write in a slightly more third person (vs. directly to him) way, and for him to read thoughts more fleshed out and thought through than otherwise.  On the other hand - really being true to that purpose means that much of what i write is not so interesting to anyone else, and i sometimes repeat issues that i am still working through in deeper layers. As they say - it is what it is....

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He texted me mid-day today.  A picture of our spanking bench.  He had to uncover it - it's been awhile - for the bench in any case. More than long enough since the two of us have had some truly private time too.

A little back and forth by text

I finally admit that - yes - i do need it - but i'm also afraid - i'm in a dangerous mind space - some big things weighing on me - i know that some - i don't what to call it- play? -  time? - a good beating?- would be very good for me.  But i'm not sure i can do it.

He reassured me - if you can call him telling me that it will be very good for me but is likely to "feel like hell" reassuring.

A little more back and forth - more serious now - and it all comes down to - yes - I trust him.  In the end, I will be fine, he will make sure of that.

But i don't think i've ever told him all the things that run through my mind about this.

Yes - i'm a masochist - but i am still not entirely comfortable with that -  not because i feel deviant or broken or weird - it's because it is something he does for me - a need or a want (depending on the day) of mine that he fulfills.

He shouldn't have to fulfill my needs and wants - that's what i'm supposed to do for him.  Especially sex - the whole idea was that he shouldn't have to work for it, there shouldn't be any quid pro quo - that was the broken part of our marriage previously.

I'm also submissive - not sure about the definitions here- but whatever trait it is that makes me respond so favorably to containment and control - i am that and i do, and sometimes it is very, very good for me and my state of mind.

But he shouldn't have to provide my mental stability -  I hate it when i need help in that.  Reaching things off high shelves, killing bugs, doing our insanely complex taxes each year, all those things and more -  i've gotten comfortable with being his job. Remaining even keel mentally should be my job.

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That's about how far i got with writing, then i had to move on to other things.  Now it is afterwards - there were more things that ran through my head - but i don't remember exactly what now.

Some thoughts now, afterwards,  though....

It was hard for me mentally - but he has gotten very, very good at reading me and at taking me the way he wants me to go

That hook he got - very effective - not overwhelming at first - but tied to my collar with just a little tension - becomes a very heavy, solid, inexorable point of focus, and control.......

I don't understand it - and maybe that's part of the problem - i always want to understand things - he doesn't admit to being at all a sadist, not even really to being dominant - he also really, really shuns labels in that way - so it's a bit complicated.

If he would say, "I am a sadist, your pain/suffering/humiliation is what i want," or, "I am dominant, I want/need to control you/be in charge/lead..."  it would be very simple to reconcile in my mind.

He clearly likes the things he does, beyond just the obvious signs and symptoms of how he responds to inflicting pain and imposing control, beyond the fun and the play - which - btw - i really believe are important also.

It's a little too simple to say that if he didn't like it, he wouldn't do it.  He is the type of person who will give something his full effort, fully engaged and dedicated - even when it's a matter of  "important to do or need to do" vs. "want to do."  And both these blocks of time and this whole dynamic are much more than just the fun parts.  He does an awful lot of work, much of it not his favorite kind of work, deep emotions, girly emotions, tears....

But he also clearly revels in his mastery of me - of my body and of my state of mind - of me in a much, much deeper way than ever before. ["Revels" is the best word i can think of - it feels deeper than enjoyment or liking; it feels like deep satisfaction and appreciation, with exuberance, but inward and personal.]

And there is a submissive me that he wants to bring out, that he wants to be the me that is present more and more: not the lost kitten, not dependent or needy, not even the wanton slut (although she has her place), but quiet-in-her-confidence, clear-headed, listening, attuned to him, at peace and content with us.  I think that is something he sees emerging, he sees his ability to create that, and i believe he wants that a great deal.


And it feels very worthwhile to strive to give him all of that.

Conquered in small ways

Some things have gotten easier and smoother over the past three or four years.

He sees me - really sees me, the good and the bad.  He reads my moods, knows when i am really engaged and when i'm going through the motions, he knows when i'm content and when i'm enthusiastic, and when i'm full of piss and vinegar on the inside and struggling to be civil on the outside.  He can often see why i am in whatever state i am, predict how i will respond to things.

He knows how to pull out the good, how to overcome the resistance, when to just ignore my little snits, when to hold me strictly accountable.  He knows how to hold me with his hand fisted in my hair, to force himself on me when i try to pull away, and how to be aloof and unattainable when i'm flitting around being silly and demanding his attention.  

He knows how to travel from just us, to us as parents, to all that is outside of us but still important to us.

He knows how to bring me back to him, and he knows how to make me want to be with him more than anything else in the world.  And that is the best of all the feelings:  when the resistance or the confusion, the anger, or the worry all just melt and i am back to being just His.  He knows when that moment happens, it is his goal.  

What i started to write was how wonderful it is, and that i just don't know how he manages to know what i need and when, it's like magic.  But that's not honest.  I have learned, am constantly re-learning, how i need to approach and interact with my children, close friends, other family.  Everyone has different needs and ways of being.  We naturally learn the people we care about, or people we don't if it serves our purposes i suppose.  

I do know how he does it, it isn't magic, it's not even a special Master only skill.  I am learning him and how he responds to me as well.  I try not to behave in ways he doesn't like, I try to read his moods and respond in ways he appreciates for that mood or situation, i try to be more the way he likes, even when that is a new way for me.  

So it isn't magic, we each always had this skill to some degree.  Now we use it more, we practice more,  i think he expects more, i cooperate with him more.   

if i step outside

If i step outside of myself and look in - i'm amazed - i guess that's the best word

He called from pretty-far-away and we chatted - work, the kids, things to decide, the weather (warm for the first time in months), life.

Then he asked me if i had  walked yet today.

No - but i have a ton to do.... I really want to keep working

Walk anyhow, now, while it's still nice.

And you know - I did, and it was good for me, it was the right thing for me to do

That i listened to him in that instance is not the amazing part - maybe that i'm committing to paper that he was right is amazing -

But, if i step outside of myself and look in - knowing me and the person i am - it is generally amazing that i do what he tells me, that i still often have an argument in my head, but i do it.  And - you know - that he's most often right.....